Sunday, June 14, 2009

Just For Men "Identity Crisis"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A self-absorbed, 53-year-old putz haunted by the looming specter of death visits a slutty psychiatrist resembling a glammed-up cross between Melissa Gilbert and Sarah Palin to wrestle with the emotionally gut-wrenching dilemma of choosing the least horrifying shade of gray for his rapidly receding hair.

The Grim Reaper awaits

Message: With Just For Men's "Touch of Gray," your hair can maintain the illusion of mature vitality while the rest of your body rots away into soul-crushing decrepitude.

I wonder if I should stop wearing my wedding ring ...

Subliminal Message: Subtly changing your hair color will make age-inappropriate women overlook your needy personality and fragile ego and want to sleep with you -- at least until that nagging E.D. issue resurfaces.

Caution: will not prevent sexually-transmitted disease

Memorable Moment: While discussing his hair problem, Dr. Lipstick's conflicted patient suddenly defies the laws of physics and splits into two distinct yet equally annoying versions of himself -- one mountain-goat gray, the other pool-filter black. Mr. Gray declares, "My hair says 'experience.'" Mr. Black replies, "My hair says, 'energy.'" Everything else about them says, "loser."

"Arrguh -- it's like looking into my open grave!"

Disturbing Aspect: After the patient miraculously transmogrifies back into one corporeal being, he boldly announces, "Now I look like I know what I'm doing, and I can still do it," prompting his call-girl therapist to remove her glasses and transparently consider mounting him on the couch.

"Maybe he CAN still get it up ... "

Burning Questions: Can Touch of Gray also do something about our silver hero's much more pressing eyebrow problem? Are both of his personas members of AARP? Will either of them still have time to make the early bird special at Denny's?

You sicken me.

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.1

Mitigating Factor: This product was not endorsed by The Grateful Dead ... although it's probably just a matter of time.


  1. Is that what people really think that therapists look like?

  2. That's what they look like on Vivid Video, which is targeting roughly the same audience.

  3. honestly, this is probably the hardest i've laughed at... well, anything.


  4. Just For Men commercials give all of us a reason to live.

  5. If only they could be combined with the Viagra commercials--we would think we had died and gone to heaven! ;)


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