Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Chevrolet "Big Girl"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: On an abandoned hardwood roller-skating rink encircled by the dozen trees which will remain on Earth after General Motors finishes destroying the environment, badly aging ex-NFL has-been Howie Long extolls the virtues of the monstrous 8-passenger Chevy Traverse to a freakish red-haired urchin, Maggie, who looks like a cross between a whored-up Raggedy Ann and the head-spinning demon-child from The Exorcist.

The power of Christ compels you to get only 24 mpg

Message: If you're willing to plunk down 30 or 40 grand for a rolling monument to everything that's wrong with America on the advice of a man who is regularly outwitted by Terry Bradshaw and an anonymous child actress destined to die of a cocaine overdose before her 18th birthday, then this is the car for you.

Also picks the Lions to go all the way this year

Subliminal Message: Don't worry -- odds are that Western civilization will collapse before you have to finish paying it off.

Comes with optional casket

Memorable Moment: Howie rips out a narrow seat from a nearby Toyota Highlander, to illustrate that the Highlander is inadequate for today's juice-fed children, then compares it to a virtually identical seat buried deep inside the Traverse, to illustrate that Howie is a moron.

The highest I.Q. is in the middle

Disturbing Aspect: Maggie notices that Howie has become unduly excited by the prospect of contributing to global warming and increasing our dependence on foreign oil.

"Cut! Cut!"

Burning Questions: Did Maggie's parents have any reservations about allowing their daughter to go off with a strange man who wanted to show her the inside of his car? How much of GM's bailout money went towards Maggie's lipstick? Does Howie have even the slightest inkling of what a huge schmuck he's become?

Evil has a new face ... and it's adorable

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.2

Mitigating Factor: During recent bankruptcy proceedings, Maggie was auctioned off to satisfy GM's Chinese creditors.


  1. That car definitely looks like a hearse.

  2. BaaahahahahahaaaHH! This may be my favorite. The choice of adjectives is phenomenal! It's a tough call, but Howie Long may be one of the biggest douchebags on TV.

  3. At least Howie lost the fake "I'm really smart" wire-framed glasses he wears on Fox.

  4. Whosoever posted this article, not only has some serious issues that need to be addressed by a psychiatrist, but should also consider having themselves castrated, for let's say the sake of, 'just in case'. You weirdo. Who would have ever perceived a commercial so innocent, as far as advertising schmucks go, to be a sex-based tragedy. Sure automobiles should be done away with all together, at least ones that run on OIL, but give us a break. That's the problem with the world today, is people like you seeing only badness and negativity. Grow up. You sound like a prepubescent slimeball. Eeewww! As for Howie aging badly?? I only hope i look that 'bad' at 49. You know nothing of his intellect or character, so slamming him in the matter you do only shows how uncredible you are. I hope he reads this and meets up with you some day, then he can get 'unduly excited' on your face.....

  5. And, YOU Sound like THE Producer!

  6. Jimmy Johnson, is that you? Still unwilling to admit you've crossed the big 5-0? Come on, man -- you're not fooling anyone, even with that hair. And why don't you let Howie fight his own battles? Just tell him to take off his glasses first.

    On some level, EVERY commercial is a sex-based tragedy. We thought that was obvious.

  7. Every time I see this commercial, I do either
    1)laugh hysterically

    2)turn the T.V. off

    While funny, I still HATE this commercial.

  8. After a hiatus of several months, this exceptionally loathsome commercial is back on the air, ready to baffle and horrify a whole new television audience.


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