Friday, July 3, 2009

Duracell "Child Locator"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A young woman slowly falling out of love with her chronically absent husband brings her two children to a sun-washed park filled with happy white people, where her mute, Ritalin-addicted son, "Kevin," suddenly disappears, forcing panic-stricken Mom to activate her Duracell-powered electronic tracking device and save him from the clutches of unsavory balloon vendors.

"I know YOU'LL never leave Mommy -- no you won't!"

1.7 seconds later, Kevin is gone

He left behind his Cheerios and Vaseline, so he can't be far

Message: Wherever an insecure parent surrenders to irrational, suffocating paranoia about the welfare of her therapy-bound kids, Duracell is there.

If it had been Energizer batteries, he'd be with Jesus now

It's also great for stalking

Subliminal Message: If you don't use Duracell batteries, you're a terrible, terrible mother.

All that stands between your child and an Amber Alert

Memorable Moment: Frantically glancing about, Mom spots an unmarked white van she fears contains her bound and gagged little trooper.

Goodbye Kevin ... hello Nancy Grace?

Disturbing Aspect: Kevin's baby sister, ignored throughout the entire incident, was abducted from her stroller while Mom went on her desperate search for the oddly detached boy.

Joyous reunion of mother and child (not pictured: Kaitlyn)

"I see dead people."

Burning Questions: Does Kevin's brief flight to freedom violate the conditions of his parole? How late into his teen years will Kevin sleep with his mother? If Mommy had checked the batteries on Daddy's tracking device, could she have prevented his extramarital affair?

I don't think you need to keep using it when he's three feet away.

The balloon represents his innocence, and the beating he's in for

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.9

Mitigating Factor: Mom's obsessive worrying seems to have kept her in pretty good shape.


  1. Love the Nancy Grace reference! ;)

  2. That is a pretty funny take on the commercial, we'll give you that.

  3. If the kid was that close, why didn't he respond to the mommy saying his name? I never noticed the 1970s windowless child abducting van until you pointed it out. Good job!

  4. Fear sells; but a tip of the hat to the folks at BrickHouse for having a sense of humor. No word yet from Duracell.

  5. Hmmm... does little Kevin have his own money? What was committed behind those oak trees for for that balloon gift??

  6. My burning question is this. Are their actually parents who use electronic monitering mechanisms on their offspring and where is social services to remove them from the household of these fringe lunatics?

    1. Answer: (A) More than ever. (B) Busy trying to round up all the Gosselin kids.


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