Monday, July 20, 2009

Kay Jewelers "Spa Day"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A materialistic, middle-aged mom permits her two young daughters to splash her with gritty, bacteria-laden water from the kiddie pool and ruin her manicure in exchange for an overpriced Mother's Day necklace that Dad picked up at the mall on his way to The Gap in a carefully-executed ploy to see his wife naked during the current fiscal year.

Smiling through hangover, Mom plans call to adoption agency

Little Suzie was slowed down by her enormous ponytails

Mom infected by E. coli while Dad stays safe distance away

Message: An empty greeting-card holiday is the perfect time to outshine your children's cheap, pathetic expressions of love by purchasing their mother micro-diamonds from an impoverished, war-torn African nation.

From a magical land where the average life expectancy is 33

Subliminal Message: Now she'll pretty much have to do that horrible thing you like.

"Wait a minute ... I hope you don't expect me to ..."

"Yeah, that's right ... and no safety word this time."

Memorable Moment: As Dad and the industrious kids watch in joyful anticipation, Mom pretends not to be bitterly disappointed by her gift.

"Did Daddy fit the new car I asked him for in there?"

"It's just what I wanted ... only smaller and tackier."

Disturbing Aspect: Mom sits uncomfortably while her girls unwittingly festoon her hair with sex toys found hidden in the nightstand drawer.

Please don't press the "On" button ...

Burning Questions: How long did it take Dad to make that "Mother's Day Spa" sign? Which repressive Third-World military regimes and/or murderous rebel movements benefited most from Dad's decision to go with the heartwarming "mother and child" diamond oval pendant? What is the criminal fine for operating a spa without a license?

He still has trouble with the letter "a"

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.1

Mitigating Factor: Elizabeth Edwards returned hers.


  1. This one is still my favorite - M

  2. Kay has cornered the market on materialistic schmaltz; several of their other commercials are equally loathsome.

  3. I toataly agree! ALL of those Kay ADs for "rocks" are sickening.

  4. Sorry sir, but as long as we have the Big-Fat-Bow-on-a-Car Lexus ads every Christmas, nobody has cornered the market on materialistic schmaltz.

  5. Dear Editor, won't you please, PLEASE feature one of those horrible Lexus ads on The Planet? Just thinking about them now makes me cringe!

  6. For everything, there is a season ... and unless the recession has shamed them into submission, the season of Lexus bow-bashing will soon be upon us. Stay tuned.

  7. like that article so much. thanks

  8. A timeless classic. We're trying to get things rolling again around here, so please keep checking in.


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