Thursday, August 13, 2009

Febreze "Grandma"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Bracing for the arrival of her senile mother-in-law, a determined housewife with no particular hopes or dreams beyond enduring the next meaningless event of her banal family life sanitizes her living room with Febreze dual-action mist, only to find that the intense, artificially-synthesized lavender and vanilla fragrance pushes Grandma over the edge into abject, pillow-snorting insanity.

Enraptured by Febreze, Grandma ignores beloved grandchildren

Electron microscope shows Febreze molecules entering Grandma's brain

Message: With Febreze, you can make your whole house smell like that pink liquid soap in LaGuardia Airport restrooms.

"Don't make me choose between you and Febreze."

Subliminal Message: It takes a full bottle to completely block out the odor of decaying old people.

Now available in nursing home strength

Memorable Moment: The housewife achieves personal fulfillment and eventual chronic bronchitis by energetically spraying the offensive life-sustaining oxygen around her head.

Image of Virgin Mary appears in toxic cloud of airborne Febreze

Disturbing Aspect: Millions of dollars of clinical testing failed to reveal the link between Febreze and Alzheimer's disease before it was too late.

Grandma mistakes decorative throw pillow for dead husband ...

... then attempts to make love to it, scarring little Timmy for life ...

... then sobs into Febrezed curtains as son looks on in disgust

Burning Questions: Is making Grandma sleep in a dog bed a form of elder abuse? Does Medicare cover treatment for air freshener-related dementia? Wouldn't it have been easier to just open a couple of windows?

Grandma seems to like her new chew toy

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.0

Mitigating Factor: After her visit, Grandma disinherited the family and changed her will to leave all of her money to Febreze.


  1. Although I am not a psychologist or a doctor, my unprofessional diagnosis is grandma's souless glare indicates an addiction. Stage an intervention.

  2. At a minimum, it appears that the Surgeon General should require some kind of warning label, before Grandma O.D.'s on Febreze.

  3. I think Grandma is now starring in AARP Porn after that kinky pillow scene!

  4. OMG I almost choked to death laughing at this one! Way to go Editor! :)

    1. I can't believe this was over 5 years ago. Poor Grandma probably is dead by now. I wonder if they sprayed the inside of her coffin with Febreze.

    2. Let's hope so! May she rest in peace (and Fabreze!)


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