Monday, September 28, 2009

Sudafed "Flash Card"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a scene which looks about two or three decades behind the times, a miserable, man-faced mother suffering from profound loneliness and debilitating sinus pressure struggles to confirm the answer to a multiplication flash card given by her bratty and impatient home-schooled daughter before being relieved by the head-clearing high of Sudafed OM Nasal Spray.

= number of guys who didn't call after speed-dating

"Do I stutter? I said TWELVE, you inattentive hag!"

Message: By taking a few snorts of Sudafed, you might be able to drag your big yoga-proof butt one day closer to the grave without sending your horrible child there first.

"How would you like to have a time-out in the oven?"

Subliminal Message: Buy it now, while it's still legal.

1 million substance-abusing teens can't be wrong

Memorable Moment: Sudafed reimagines the inside of the unhappy mother's head as the neurobiological equivalent of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Just another day in Mom's frontal lobe ...

Magic "RUSH" stamp appears underneath number on card

Disturbing Aspect: In a degrading display which subconsciously mirrors real events from her own rock-bottom romantic life, Mom's alter-ego at "Internal Nasal Services" is forced to place the stupefying flash card into a phallic-shaped pneumatic tube canister by a churlish male coworker closely resembling her ex-husband, who then uses it to make a crude, sexually-suggestive gesture.

God, I hope his pants are zipped this time ...

"Yeah ... I like the way you handle that ..."

"Bet you want some more, don't ya?"

Burning Questions: Is Sudafed's hilarious depiction of the inner workings of the human brain scientifically accurate? Isn't the correct answer to the multiplication question right on the back of the flash card? Does Internal Nasal Services offer a good pension plan?

Image taken from Gray's Anatomy (40th Ed.), p. 543

"Okay, now let's see how you do on Creation Science."

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.3

Mitigating Factor: After two more anxious hours, the precocious little darling finally drank her poisoned milk.


  1. Why do the producers of these things never show us a realistic scenario to showcase their products? Would it kill them to show us some jerk using it so he doesn't miss work?

  2. Hah, good point! When I had the flu a few years ago, I thought ibuprofen was the best thing EVER--and I didn't miss a day of work (although I probably should have).

  3. They always have to make things look worse- FAR worse-than they actually are. The flu doesn't give you a headache and sinus congestion- it makes you feel like YOUR HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE and GNOMES WITH SLEDGEHAMMERS are trying to pound their way out of your skull through your nose. Seriously.

  4. They also don't have car ads that show people stuck in gridlock on a steaming-hot August morning.

  5. To quote The Best TV Show Ever Created ("The Simpsons," obviously): "It feels like a rat is gnawing at my brain." In this commercial, one would think that the sinus pressure would have to be pretty severe in order to override the suffering mother's ability to recall the answer to "3 x 4," even taking into account the fact that her demanding daughter gives her less than one second to respond. (Roll tape: "The answer's 12 Mom? Mom ... ?" Note that there's not even the slightest pause between "12" and "Mom.") Since the woman's entire mind is preoccupied with solving a simple flash card, it seems rather fortunate that she's not driving or operating heavy machinery, as undoubtedly Sudafed cautions her against doing.

  6. This is by far the best blog I've ever read. Love your wit and sarcasm!


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