Monday, November 9, 2009

AAFT "Pennies"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In Part Two of AAFT's tear-jerking series on the struggles of soda-loving white people, a hardscrabble single mom from the greater Syracuse-Scranton-Lansing metropolitan area drives her showroom-quality 1998 Ford Focus through the deserted streets of her once-thriving town and returns home to complain to an invisible specter of government oppression that soda taxes threaten to ruin her life and dash the modest hopes and dreams of her sullen, meth-addicted children.

Wild cattle graze where vending machines previously stood

Site of former Dr Pepper factory now vacant lot

Message: It may not mean much to those fat cats in Washington, but Sprite and Cherry Coke are the only things keeping recession-ravaged Middle Americans from duct-taping garden hoses to their tailpipes and heading off to the Great Sam's Club in the Sky.

Another family forced out by high soda taxes

Tool stores can't compete without a cheap source of Mountain Dew

Subliminal Message: Sarah Palin in 2012.

Pennies away from poverty

Memorable Moment: In perfect synchronization, the kids wordlessly walk around to the back of the car to help their mother with three light bags of groceries which she easily could have carried herself.

Showing utterly no emotion, kids approach trunk in unison ...

... then, with outer arms extended, execute flawless tandem turn

Overburdened by 2-liter bottle of soda, son trudges into house

Disturbing Aspect: With rising anger, Mom bitterly chastises the nation's capital as if it were an unwanted visitor standing on her front porch.

"What are you looking at, Washington?"

"You'll have to pry my ginger ale from my cold, dead hands."

Burning Questions: Is this one of those neighborhoods where people feel so safe that they leave their car trunks open at night? Do beverage industry honchos really believe that if they keep displaying their corrosive, obesity-causing products next to brightly-colored fruits and vegetables, they eventually will be regarded as health food? Has Mom ever considered using some of that soda to wash her hair?

Includes a full day's supply of phosphoric acid

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.7

Mitigating Factor: While this woman was busy counting her soda pennies, Congress rushed through a tax on stupidity that will make it prohibitively expensive for her to ever open her mouth in public again.


  1. I commented on this commercial on my blog last month. Great takes. God I loathe this incredibly stupid woman.

  2. The makers of this commercial also think that if they call their organization Americans Against Food Taxes, they can convince dipshit knuckle draggers that Soda is Food.

  3. "You'll have to pry my ginger ale from my cold, dead hands."

    That's awesome.

  4. Yes, soda is not food, and Sunny D is not juice (to reiterate, the average school-age child today gets 1000 calories/day from soda, sweet tea, or Sunny D).

  5. Truly loathesome. Mrs Soda's venom is something to behold. I will suggest this to her then run for cover:

    If that 8 cents tax has you teetering on bankruptcy you could, oh I dunno, drink a glass of water once in a while.

  6. Be careful, Jason--she may have a gun. :p

  7. We're pretty sure that the Founding Fathers would have been opposed to the soda tax. After all, look how they reacted to a tax on tea, the soda of the 18th century. Of course, half of them had wooden teeth, so you have to take that with a grain of salt. Or sugar.

    To assuage her pain, one might point out to the cash-strapped heroine of this commercial that federal taxes are their lowest level in 20 years -- and, not coincidently, the federal debt is at an all-time high. So you'd think that she could spare a few extra pennies.

  8. You would also think that she would give up on tooth-rotting sodas and attack ads sponsored by corporate jerks who don't like being regulated.

  9. It's always amusing to see "average Americans" stand up to defend giant, faceless corporations which routinely gouge them for profit. See the current health care debate.

  10. "Oh, yeah, my family is pennies from poverty, but we still have a nice, 2-story house in the suburbs that probably cost $120,000." Yeah, you sure are pennies away from poverty.

  11. But look at all of those brown patches on the front lawn -- they obviously had to give up their landscaper in order to save money for root beer.

  12. Actually, the house probably cost closer to $200,000, which was well above their means, so they were granted a sub-prime mortgage, which they subsequently defaulted on--that's why they can't afford the soda tax!

  13. Toaster- you forgot to mention that it was All Clinton's FaultTM


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