Monday, November 30, 2009

Epiduo "The Answer"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A pizza-faced, semi-retarded teenager, "Tyler B.," camps out in a drug store for 87 days, heroically foregoing all personal grooming and hygiene, waiting for the answer to his socially-crippling acne problem to magically materialize before him, until a Yoda-like pharmacist convinces him to see an actor portraying his doctor, who prescribes a gel portraying an effective treatment.

Tyler sets up base camp in world's largest acne aisle ...

... unwittingly blocks elderly shopper from Stridex pads ...

... and finally succumbs to Clearasil-induced delirium

Message: Contrary to what Elmo told you, it's what's on the outside that counts.

Because no one gives a shit about your personality

Subliminal Message: You're hideous.

"Undateable, you are."

Circling pimples with Day-Glo paint is sure to help

Memorable Moment: Tyler is stumped by the term "medical condition."

Another fine product of America's educational system

CAT scan later revealed that acne had spread to his brain

"Oh yeah, like, the doctor -- I get it; heh-heh [snort] ... "

Disturbing Aspect: Once Tyler's acne dissipates, cute girls hang on his every stammering word, overlooking his far more serious mental and emotional issues.

"Your relatively unblemished complexion turns us on."

"Clear skin makes him so funny and not gross!"

"Sometimes I set crickets on fire."

Burning Questions: Doesn't this kid have enough going against him without the Vulcan haircut? Why would a dermatologist need a stethoscope to treat someone with acne? When will Walgreens install public showers?

"Your pimples have lived long and prospered."

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.3

Mitigating Factor: After successfully defeating his acne, Tyler left the drug store and moved into a nearby JCPenney, where he's vowed to remain until he finds a solution to his unrelated bed-wetting problem.


  1. I loved her in "Boys Don't Cry."

  2. Nice. Too bad they don't give Oscars for acne commercials.

  3. That type of male is exactly why we need the soylent system employed. Get that crap out of the gene pool! Toboggan wearing vagina on stilts...

    1. This may be the first time in the history of man that anyone has used the term "toboggan wearing vagina on stilts" to describe another human being. Or even strung those words together in the same sentence.

  4. Bravo Anonymous, bravo! You are the second coming of William Shakespear! :)

  5. This one, to be honest, hits me in the gut a bit. It's very true what you say about Elmo... one one side, we have a group of adults who tell kids that it's the inside that counts, your heart, your personality, and on the other we have commercial after commercial like this one designed to make you feel insecure, dirty, and worthless... and furthermore, instead of real information (acne is normal, it is controllable, and your life won't be ruined by having it, just be patient) we feed kids the idea that there are magic bullets everywhere, that this one product will not only clear up the problem but will send you Stepford wives-in-training to fawn all over you.

    Of course, life doesn't work this way, which is why as adults we tend to become jaded and cynical. There are no magic bullets. People are shallow. Some people are just dealt a better hand than others, and the only thing you can do is work with what you have. That's hard, of course. So even as adults, even seeing the evidence before our very eyes, we still drink the Kool-aid... except instead of zit cream and branded clothing, we buy Lexuses (Lexii?) and houses three times bigger than we need.


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