Wednesday, November 25, 2009
See the commercial here.
Synopsis: Two squealing six-year-olds on an early afternoon play date go bonkers over Dora the Explorer's Magical Welcome House, skillfully assembled by the tiny, aching fingers of their toyless Chinese counterparts, while their disengaged mothers get drunk on supermarket wine and share Harlequin-fueled fantasies about their new yoga teacher in the next room.
Hyperstimulated Maria and Suzie emit sound only dogs can hear
Message: To suburban little girls, Dora is like crack.
Unsuspecting Dora eyed by her prepubescent puppet master
Now very possibly lead-free!
Subliminal Message: Dora has a better place to live than 30 million Americans.
Heart-shaped bank foreclosure sign sold separately
In nod to obesity epidemic, cake pops up from table on demand
Dora's stash of gold Krugerrands hidden in safe under bed
Memorable Moment: Cousin Diego, having started to become curious about the opposite sex, is caught snooping around in Dora's bedroom.
Startled by camera crew, Diego quickly closes underwear drawer
Disturbing Aspect: Dora's world is shattered when her home is invaded by colossal Caucasians.
Dora stands frozen in terror as blonde giant appears outside door
"Please ... just take whatever you want!"
Fleeing upstairs, Dora shocked to find that entire wall is missing
Meanwhile, in the dinette, petrified Mami recites Hail Marys
Burning Questions: Does the Magical Welcome House's orange, pink, and purple exterior color scheme and lack of bathrooms violate local building ordinances? How many kids' fingers have been crushed by the house's automatic spring-release mechanism? Is it right to encourage impressionable children to play God with other people's lives?
Displaying her awesome power, Maria splits house in half
After dwelling is torn apart, search for survivors begins
Overall Loathsomeness: 5.8
Mitigating Factor: Despite months of digging, Lou Dobbs has yet to uncover any discrepancies in Dora's immigration status.
Posted by The Editor at 3:00 PM