Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Fisher-Price "Dora's House"


See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Two squealing six-year-olds on an early afternoon play date go bonkers over Dora the Explorer's Magical Welcome House, skillfully assembled by the tiny, aching fingers of their toyless Chinese counterparts, while their disengaged mothers get drunk on supermarket wine and share Harlequin-fueled fantasies about their new yoga teacher in the next room.


Hyperstimulated Maria and Suzie emit sound only dogs can hear

Message: To suburban little girls, Dora is like crack.


Unsuspecting Dora eyed by her prepubescent puppet master


Now very possibly lead-free!

Subliminal Message: Dora has a better place to live than 30 million Americans.


Heart-shaped bank foreclosure sign sold separately


In nod to obesity epidemic, cake pops up from table on demand


Dora's stash of gold Krugerrands hidden in safe under bed

Memorable Moment: Cousin Diego, having started to become curious about the opposite sex, is caught snooping around in Dora's bedroom.


Startled by camera crew, Diego quickly closes underwear drawer

Disturbing Aspect: Dora's world is shattered when her home is invaded by colossal Caucasians.


Dora stands frozen in terror as blonde giant appears outside door


"Please ... just take whatever you want!"


Fleeing upstairs, Dora shocked to find that entire wall is missing


Meanwhile, in the dinette, petrified Mami recites Hail Marys

Burning Questions: Does the Magical Welcome House's orange, pink, and purple exterior color scheme and lack of bathrooms violate local building ordinances? How many kids' fingers have been crushed by the house's automatic spring-release mechanism? Is it right to encourage impressionable children to play God with other people's lives?


Displaying her awesome power, Maria splits house in half


After dwelling is torn apart, search for survivors begins

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.8

Mitigating Factor: Despite months of digging, Lou Dobbs has yet to uncover any discrepancies in Dora's immigration status.

3 comments:

  1. My sister had a Barbie Town House, about thirty years ago. My god, that thing was weird- all pink, with a flimsy plastic elevator! After a while, we started to call it Barbie's Cat House.

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  2. At least this commercial doesn't feature the new, slutty "tween" Dora -- apparently she'd rather be off clubbing somewhere than hanging around the house with her Mami.

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  3. Love the Barbie Town House! Not to mention the camper...Dora's accessories just can't compare.

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