Monday, December 7, 2009

Aricept "Lasagna"


See the commercial here.

Synopsis: An overreacting, dinner-mooching woman goads her elderly mother into ingesting mind-altering drugs after she makes the fatal error of momentarily forgetting what day of the week it is, providing iron-clad proof that she has Alzheimer's.


Thanks for your big contribution to today's meal, Gloria.


"Something's wrong -- Mom's not exactly where we left her last week!"


Unfinished Metamucil means she can't be far

Message: Giving your aging parents psychotropic medication is easier than teaching them how to use a Blackberry.


Those funny things on the shelves were called "books"

Subliminal Message: Be sure to get power of attorney first.


There's nothing like the hungry, judgmental gaze of family


Oh, shit -- it must be Sunday.


Computer animation depicts Mom's brain as two rotting lemons

Memorable Moment: Gloria stares incredulously at her mother, as if she's become a drooling vegetable, just because dinner wasn't on the table when the family arrived.


"Where's the lasagna, Mom? LA-SA-GNA ... "


My God ... she hasn't even started the sauce.

Disturbing Aspect: According to Aricept, the effectiveness of treatment for dementia is demonstrated by the patient's ability to (1) assess the quality of tomatoes; (2) make a bed; and (3) impart knowledge of proper napkin-folding technique.


"Oh, no, Dear -- that one's been genetically engineered."


When she's done with this, she can clean out the gutters


"Line up those corners, or Nana will have to pinch you again."

Burning Questions: Has anyone at Pfizer ever forgotten what day it is? Is it right to make your doddering mother endure stomach bleeding, fainting, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bruising, sleeplessness, muscle cramps, loss of appetite, and/or fatigue in order to ensure timely preparation of home-cooked meals? Where can I get that lasagna recipe?


While Gloria readies salad, mother curses her double chin

If family notices lack of drinks, they'll schedule shock therapy

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.6

Mitigating Factor: With improved cognitive ability from Aricept, Mom suddenly recalled that she was planning to disinherit her daughter.
Posted by The Editor at 12:00 PM

5 comments:

  1. Giving your aging parents psychotropic medication is easier than teaching them how to use a Blackberry.

    Or, for that matter, interacting with them on a daily basis.
    ReplyDelete
  2. I liked the obvious Italian-ness of the family. That, and the ridiculous use of a snow-white table cloth for a dinner featuring tomato sauce.

    I hope that when the family first arrived and found that grandma hadn't been slaving all day to prepare lasagna, they at least took her out to Olive Garden. That would cure anyone of ever, EVER forgetting to cook again.
    ReplyDelete
  3. Truly, Olive Garden is the Ninth Circle of Hell for Italian grandmothers. But before it comes to that, this self-centered family might consider the possibility that, instead of developing a serious neurological disorder, Nana was just getting sick of having to make them dinner every goddamn Sunday.
    ReplyDelete
  4. I find it necessary to say that all grocery tomatoes are genetically enineered to some extent. Untouched, wild tomatoes are toxic, and resemble green golf balls more than the savory, red berry used to make lasagna.
    ReplyDelete
  5. Really? You found it necessary to say that -- almost two years after this post appeared? Now we know that someone out there has less of a life than we do. But in the interest of horticultural accuracy, and so as not to offend our many friends in the bioengineering industry, we hereby withdraw the tomato joke. Not literally, though; editing an old post on Blogger is a pain in the ass.
    ReplyDelete

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