Saturday, December 26, 2009

Froot Loops "Check-Up"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A concerned four-year-old boy, "Cody," suffering from an unusual case of childhood non-obesity, is told by his trusted nursery school-trained physician that a steady diet of sugar-infused corn rings bathed in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil will solve the fiber problem he never had and put him back on the road to hyperactivity, uncontrolled weight gain, and diabetes.

Universal health care

"Is your emergency contact still SpongeBob SquarePants?"

Mr. Frog hopes that no one notices his embarrassing fungus

Message: Froot Loops is part of a nutritious, well-balanced breakfast -- so long as that breakfast includes 1.5 metric tons of broccoli, spinach, and sliced avocado.

From an actuarial standpoint, they'd be better off eating the box

Subliminal Message: Run along to your important sales meeting, Mom -- Kellogg's will raise your kids.

Not legally child abuse

Memorable Moment: Cody receives the grim news that, without a massive infusion of Froot Loops, he has less than six months to live.

Cody regrets never taking that trip to Italy

"Also, I strongly advise you to start consuming more Twizzlers."

The bill seems outrageous, but it's all right there on the abacus

Disturbing Aspect: A cereal with approximately the same amount of nutritional value as a pile of ground-up candy canes is being marketed as health food.

The medical evidence supporting Froot Loops is irrefutable

Once rotted teeth fall out, nothing gets in the way of the flavor

Burning Questions: Can the Kellogg Company find one doctor in North America without a plastic stethoscope who would recommend Froot Loops as a healthy choice? How long did it take Kellogg's creative team to draw the nearly picture-perfect "child" renditions of its product packages? Does spelling the word "fruit" phonetically absolve Kellogg from liability for false advertising?

Underpaid graphic designers are so cute ...

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.7

Mitigating Factor: Kellogg was forced to drop the venerable Tucan Sam as its family-friendly pitchbird after his mysterious Thanksgiving car crash exposed a series of adulterous affairs with trampy white cockatoos.

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