Just For Men "Identity Crisis"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A self-absorbed, 53-year-old putz haunted by the looming specter of death visits a slutty psychiatrist resembling a glammed-up cross between Melissa Gilbert and Sarah Palin to wrestle with the emotionally gut-wrenching dilemma of choosing the least horrifying shade of gray for his rapidly receding hair.


The Grim Reaper awaits

Message: With Just For Men's "Touch of Gray," your hair can maintain the illusion of mature vitality while the rest of your body rots away into soul-crushing decrepitude.


I wonder if I should stop wearing my wedding ring ...

Subliminal Message: Subtly changing your hair color will make age-inappropriate women overlook your needy personality and fragile ego and want to sleep with you -- at least until that nagging E.D. issue resurfaces.


Caution: will not prevent sexually-transmitted disease

Memorable Moment: While discussing his hair problem, Dr. Lipstick's conflicted patient suddenly defies the laws of physics and splits into two distinct yet equally annoying versions of himself -- one mountain-goat gray, the other pool-filter black. Mr. Gray declares, "My hair says 'experience.'" Mr. Black replies, "My hair says, 'energy.'" Everything else about them says, "loser."


"Arrguh -- it's like looking into my open grave!"

Disturbing Aspect: After the patient miraculously transmogrifies back into one corporeal being, he boldly announces, "Now I look like I know what I'm doing, and I can still do it," prompting his call-girl therapist to remove her glasses and transparently consider mounting him on the couch.


"Maybe he CAN still get it up ... "

Burning Questions: Can Touch of Gray also do something about our silver hero's much more pressing eyebrow problem? Are both of his personas members of AARP? Will either of them still have time to make the early bird special at Denny's?

You sicken me.

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.1

Mitigating Factor: This product was not endorsed by The Grateful Dead ... although it's probably just a matter of time.

Cheerios "Shut Up Steve"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a suburban breakfast nook fraught with more simmering tension than the Gaza Strip, a pathetic, spineless excuse for a man, "Steve," infuriates his bitter, shrew-like wife by innocently asking if she's slurping up soggy MultiGrain Cheerios in a token and undoubtedly futile effort to shed some of the many pounds she's put on since their unfortunate wedding day, notwithstanding her implausible cover story that she's eating the colorfully-packaged animal feed for "other reasons," which she declines to specify.


Steve steps in it, big-time


"Sounds like someone's ready for another ass-kicking."


Five whole grains stand between Steve and intensive care

Message: A joyless marriage never tasted so good.


Who couldn't love this face?


The secret ingredient is rage

Subliminal Message: The only way to avoid the wrath of your fat, irritable wife is to suppress your pent-up unhappiness and dissatisfaction behind a chippy veneer of emasculated wussiness.


"What did you say to me, you little prick?"


A third less fat than sawdust, but all of the flavor

Memorable Moment: After Mr. Whipped hastily tries to obfuscate his rare display of candor by pointing out that it's "the box" -- not he -- which says that MultiGrain Cheerios is only 110 calories per serving, the bloated, beastly woman he foolishly chose to wed icily snaps, "What else does the box say?" Pausing ever so briefly to ponder the decades of servile supplication that lie ahead, her beloved replies, "It says, 'Shut up Steve.'" Fatty's cold, passionless lips curl up into a triumphant smile.


And so ends ten thousand years of male domination


That's it ... dance for me, monkey ...


You know what else has only 110 calories? Steve's balls.

Disturbing Aspect: Steve, having been beaten senseless by his irate wife the previous week for questioning her decision to eat a tangerine, has been telling concerned friends that the visible cuts and bruises on his body were caused by a bad "fall."


If only General Mills could hear him cry at night ...

Burning Questions: What color is the dress that Steve's wearing just below the camera frame? Outside of professional kabuki theater, has any heterosexual man been able to arch his eyebrows more dramatically than Steve? How many more marriages will MultiGrain Cheerios have to destroy before they take it off the market?

"Oh, look -- the box also says you're a vindictive bitch."

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.8

Mitigating Factor: This commercial originally aired in Great Britain, which pretty much explains everything.

Burger King "Klingons"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A geeky sci-fi fanboy, inexplicably living somewhere other than in his parents' refinished basement, settles down to a nice, romantic dinner of Burger King take-out with his ethnically-ambiguous girlfriend and embarrassed dog, "Tiberius," when three Klingon medieval monarchist mimes arrive via transporter beam to steal his coveted Star Trek glasses.

Nothing could possibly ruin this magical evening

Um ... okay ...

Message: Burger King and Star Trek -- two things not normally associated with having a life -- are a winning combination.

"Don't mess with me -- I'm a Greater San Diego Starfleet Cadet!"

Subliminal Message: In an alternate fantasy universe, your love of cheesy commemorative merchandise makes you cool.

Chick magnets

"I want to have your baby."

Memorable Moment: After the creepy Klingons paralyze his dog and seize his glasses, Fanboy dejectedly exclaims, "Why don't you just take my girlfriend, while you're at it?"

Cherished items stolen while disposable girlfriend recoils in fear

"I don't know ... she doesn't look like she has a very rigid spine."

Disturbing Aspect: Fanboy is willing to casually relinquish the only woman who's ever been willing to share a couch with him to a lifetime of agonizing physical toil and/or sexual slavery at some intergalactic Klingon gulag.

"You've just been getting a little bossy lately."

"I'd give you this one, but you wouldn't be able to walk afterward."

Well, I guess it's back to the ol' Victoria's Secret catalog ...

Burning Questions: Wasn't the non-Klingon "King" preternaturally grotesque enough, without burying a cheese-grater in his forehead? Did it trouble anyone at Burger King that no Klingons actually appear in the Star Trek movie? Is it legal to electrocute a dog outside the State of Mississippi?

I need a new agent.

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.0

Mitigating Factor: Tiberius committed suicide shortly after the release of this commercial.

T-Mobile "Oversharing"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A divorced, defeated, and disoriented father comes home after a long morning of binge drinking and pretending to play tennis to find his three unattractive daughters wearing his boyhood clothes and intrusively texting their friends about his pathetic social life.


"Christ -- you're still here?"


Desperately dishing about Dad


Unfortunately, the Abigail Breslin look never really caught on

Message: T-Mobile's unlimited calling plan offers an easy, economical way to endure your court-mandated custody weekends by giving your resentful, psychologically-scarred children a time-killing activity to occupy their fleeting attention while you pursue your new-found interest in stalking old high school girlfriends on Facebook.


Eldest daughter repulsed by sight of father in shorts ...


... while youngest slips into protective catatonic state

Subliminal Message: Cell phones make up for broken marital vows and shoddy parenting.


"Please don't beat us again."

Memorable Moment: The middle daughter hesitantly reports to her drunken dad that she told her best friend's grandmother that he's "available." Then the youngest daughter, apparently aware that her father is desperate for sex, matter-of-factly adds that the horny granny thinks he's "superdelicious."


On the prowl


Off the wagon

Disturbing Aspect: Dad is intrigued by the sexual interest of an elderly woman he's never met, asking, "What does she look like?"


"Does she still have her teeth?"

Burning Questions: How is it possible that this idiot ever convinced a woman to bear him children? Why does he look like he just spent the night in a homeless shelter? Why does this commercial appear to be set in 1977?


Statistically, one of their Faves must be Kevin Bacon

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.3

Mitigating Factor: Mom evidently escaped from this suburban freakshow long ago.

Budweiser "Commitment"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a bar that seems vaguely reminiscent of a Carnival cruise ship duty-free shop, three Eurogay-looking losers are served cheap, American beer by a chatty yet remarkably non-skanky bartender who obsessively lectures them on Budweiser's implausible commitment to quality, upon which she apparently has based all of her hopes and dreams.


You complete me.

Message: It may be little more than urine-colored water, but Budweiser has been brewing the same bland swill for over 130 years, so you've got to give them credit for that.


Time-tested tastelessness

Subliminal Message: Chicks can't tell the difference between good beer and crappy beer, so why should you pay more?


Woman even remotely interested in sleeping with you not included

Memorable Moment: The bartender initiates conversation with her male patrons by using the ever-popular opening line, "Guys, let's talk about commitment ..." Reminding them of the relationship demands of girlfriends they've never had, the three awkward amigos quickly take their eyes off the bartender's chest and look away in palpable discomfort. After a tense couple of seconds, the bartender puts them at ease, saying, "Relax, I'm talking about beer." And talking, and talking ...


Guys petrified by notion of prolonged human contact


"Each bubble represents a tear I've shed for shallow-minded men."


If you touch it, you'll have to marry her.

Disturbing Aspect: Bucking conventional guy wisdom, the bartender isn't sexually aroused by beer -- she's sexually attracted to beer.


Good head


Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar ... but this isn't one of them


I'll have what she's having.

Burning Questions: Does this chick also give the tour at the Budweiser brewery? Can she be trusted with the longnecks after closing? For a larger tip, will she recite the history of the salted peanut?


" ... then, after Teddy Roosevelt was elected ... "

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.2

Mitigating Factor: Suddenly, being a misogynistic loner doesn't seem so bad.