Chevrolet "Big Girl"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: On an abandoned hardwood roller-skating rink encircled by the dozen trees which will remain on Earth after General Motors finishes destroying the environment, badly aging ex-NFL has-been Howie Long extolls the virtues of the monstrous 8-passenger Chevy Traverse to a freakish red-haired urchin, Maggie, who looks like a cross between a whored-up Raggedy Ann and the head-spinning demon-child from The Exorcist.


The power of Christ compels you to get only 24 mpg

Message: If you're willing to plunk down 30 or 40 grand for a rolling monument to everything that's wrong with America on the advice of a man who is regularly outwitted by Terry Bradshaw and an anonymous child actress destined to die of a cocaine overdose before her 18th birthday, then this is the car for you.


Also picks the Lions to go all the way this year

Subliminal Message: Don't worry -- odds are that Western civilization will collapse before you have to finish paying it off.


Comes with optional casket

Memorable Moment: Howie rips out a narrow seat from a nearby Toyota Highlander, to illustrate that the Highlander is inadequate for today's juice-fed children, then compares it to a virtually identical seat buried deep inside the Traverse, to illustrate that Howie is a moron.


The highest I.Q. is in the middle

Disturbing Aspect: Maggie notices that Howie has become unduly excited by the prospect of contributing to global warming and increasing our dependence on foreign oil.


"Cut! Cut!"

Burning Questions: Did Maggie's parents have any reservations about allowing their daughter to go off with a strange man who wanted to show her the inside of his car? How much of GM's bailout money went towards Maggie's lipstick? Does Howie have even the slightest inkling of what a huge schmuck he's become?


Evil has a new face ... and it's adorable

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.2

Mitigating Factor: During recent bankruptcy proceedings, Maggie was auctioned off to satisfy GM's Chinese creditors.

Mountain Dew "World of Warcraft"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Two members of the exclusive sorority of young, thin, attractive women who (a) never have to buy their own food, and (b) are too socially successful to waste their time on dork-culture video games improbably stand in side-by-side checkout lanes at a supermarket when their simultaneous purchase of 5 billion calorie Mountain Dew Game Fuel suddenly causes them to transform into battling characters from "World of Warcraft."


You should see what happens when someone buys Quaker Oats

Message: Mountain Dew stands ready to satisfy both your pre-diabetic craving for brightly-colored sugar water and your post-psychotic desire to experience shocking acts of violence.


If you don't drink it, then the terrorists win

Subliminal Message: As you've long suspected, women who refuse to date you are actually bloodthirsty alien creatures in disguise.


OK, then how about Saturday night?

Memorable Moment: While the oversized, purple and green warriors engage in mortal combat throughout the store, other shoppers seem only mildly concerned.


Customer pauses to watch mayhem before resuming search for condoms


"Ooo -- Robitussin is on sale!"

Disturbing Aspect: Playing to stereotype, the blonde shopper evolves into a shapely, unmistakably-feminine "Night Elf," while the brunette shopper morphs into a hideous, anatomically-male "Orc Grunt."


I think we all know who drew the short end of the stick on this one ...

Burning Questions: Why did they call the police when you brought your sword to the supermarket? Is it true that Game Fuel and Mentos can be used to create a crude atomic device? Will anyone be left alive to do the cleanup in Aisle 6?


Guaranteed to speed up the checkout process

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.4

Mitigating Factor: Both the Elf and the Orc respectfully complied with the "10 Items or Less" express line limit.

Kay Jewelers "Spa Day"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A materialistic, middle-aged mom permits her two young daughters to splash her with gritty, bacteria-laden water from the kiddie pool and ruin her manicure in exchange for an overpriced Mother's Day necklace that Dad picked up at the mall on his way to The Gap in a carefully-executed ploy to see his wife naked during the current fiscal year.


Smiling through hangover, Mom plans call to adoption agency


Little Suzie was slowed down by her enormous ponytails


Mom infected by E. coli while Dad stays safe distance away

Message: An empty greeting-card holiday is the perfect time to outshine your children's cheap, pathetic expressions of love by purchasing their mother micro-diamonds from an impoverished, war-torn African nation.


From a magical land where the average life expectancy is 33

Subliminal Message: Now she'll pretty much have to do that horrible thing you like.


"Wait a minute ... I hope you don't expect me to ..."


"Yeah, that's right ... and no safety word this time."

Memorable Moment: As Dad and the industrious kids watch in joyful anticipation, Mom pretends not to be bitterly disappointed by her gift.


"Did Daddy fit the new car I asked him for in there?"


"It's just what I wanted ... only smaller and tackier."

Disturbing Aspect: Mom sits uncomfortably while her girls unwittingly festoon her hair with sex toys found hidden in the nightstand drawer.


Please don't press the "On" button ...

Burning Questions: How long did it take Dad to make that "Mother's Day Spa" sign? Which repressive Third-World military regimes and/or murderous rebel movements benefited most from Dad's decision to go with the heartwarming "mother and child" diamond oval pendant? What is the criminal fine for operating a spa without a license?


He still has trouble with the letter "a"

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.1

Mitigating Factor: Elizabeth Edwards returned hers.

Viagra "Anniversary"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: While covertly leafing through yellowed copies of Nixon-era Playboy magazines in his well-lit attic, an amiable, wang-challenged doofus stumbles upon a box of wedding items and decides that his 30-year-old powder-blue tuxedo, a dozen long-stem roses, and 150 milligrams of sildenafil citrate are all he needs to kick off a romantic bout of anniversary love-making.

If only he could have found the box labeled "Manhood"

Message: Viagra -- it's not just for elderly perverts anymore.

Clueless husband playfully mimics statue of fallen angel Lucifer ...


... while sex-starved wife looks up from letter to secret lover in dismay

Subliminal Message: Sudden drop in blood pressure, headaches, flushing, upset stomach, abnormal vision, and hearing loss are a small price to pay for motivating yourself to get it on with the same woman you've seen every goddamn day for the past three decades.

At 200 mg, lab rats' hearts exploded

Memorable Moment: Faced with the daunting task of having to carry his wife and her unlost baby weight up an entire flight of stairs while struggling to see through an enveloping blue haze, Hubby appears ready to abandon the project altogether until the wife handles it herself, just as she's had to handle her own pleasure throughout the best years of her life.

Should have bought that ranch ...

Disturbing Aspect: Viagra's cheerful STD warning is superimposed over cherished family photos of Grandma Heida as a young girl in Poland.

On the plus side, you might get an erection lasting longer than 4 hours

Burning Questions: How was Hubby able to produce a bouquet of freshly-cut flowers from the attic at a moment's notice? Will two-and-a-half minutes of utterly predictable intercourse be worth the $40 co-pay? When will Mr. Tux be able to urinate again?

"Monkey Humping Ripe Fruit" couch pattern heightens the sexual tension

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.7

Mitigating Factor: On last year's anniversary, he came down in his wife's wedding dress.

Brinks Home Security "Popcorn"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: An ex-babysitter with boundary issues turned usurping second wife shamelessly bids for the reluctant affections of her newly-acquired, not-yet-obese stepchildren with the promise of a movie and popcorn, when Joe the Plumber, perhaps attracted by a vase of bright yellow sunflowers, suddenly tries to break into the house, setting off the family's Brinks Home Security alarm and prompting a phone call from the on-duty Ken doll at Brinks' dispatch center, who calmly diverts police resources from more serious emergencies before charging the customer a $99 reactivation fee.

"Brinks Home Security -- how may my hair help you?"

Message: Brinks will stop malicious intruders from entering your home to commit brazen acts of theft, mayhem, and violence. Unless they're not afraid of loud noises -- then you're screwed.

Thanks to Obama, thuggish, illiterate white men must turn to crime

Subliminal Message: You may think you're safe, but you're never more than one popped kernel away from handing over the good silverware at knifepoint.

Wire cutters sold separately

Memorable Moment: While the older child jumps up immediately in response to Stepmom's panicked screeching, her defiant little brother remains planted in front of the TV set which has raised him since birth.

He'll have to pry Teddy from my cold, dead hands.

Disturbing Aspect: The children's movie is a North Korean animated film about capitalist trolls who live in the sewer and eat their young.

Coming up next: "A Clockwork Orange"

Burning Questions: Was anyone injured in the tornado that blew the roof off the house? Why did Stepmom lead the kids to a small upstairs room from which there is no apparent escape? Are we still getting popcorn?

God watches potential tragedy unfold from above; does nothing

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.5

Mitigating Factor: If the alarm system fails, resulting in your death, Brinks will take 10% off your next purchase.

Duracell "Child Locator"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A young woman slowly falling out of love with her chronically absent husband brings her two children to a sun-washed park filled with happy white people, where her mute, Ritalin-addicted son, "Kevin," suddenly disappears, forcing panic-stricken Mom to activate her Duracell-powered electronic tracking device and save him from the clutches of unsavory balloon vendors.

"I know YOU'LL never leave Mommy -- no you won't!"

1.7 seconds later, Kevin is gone


He left behind his Cheerios and Vaseline, so he can't be far

Message: Wherever an insecure parent surrenders to irrational, suffocating paranoia about the welfare of her therapy-bound kids, Duracell is there.

If it had been Energizer batteries, he'd be with Jesus now


It's also great for stalking

Subliminal Message: If you don't use Duracell batteries, you're a terrible, terrible mother.


All that stands between your child and an Amber Alert

Memorable Moment: Frantically glancing about, Mom spots an unmarked white van she fears contains her bound and gagged little trooper.


Goodbye Kevin ... hello Nancy Grace?

Disturbing Aspect: Kevin's baby sister, ignored throughout the entire incident, was abducted from her stroller while Mom went on her desperate search for the oddly detached boy.

Joyous reunion of mother and child (not pictured: Kaitlyn)


"I see dead people."

Burning Questions: Does Kevin's brief flight to freedom violate the conditions of his parole? How late into his teen years will Kevin sleep with his mother? If Mommy had checked the batteries on Daddy's tracking device, could she have prevented his extramarital affair?

I don't think you need to keep using it when he's three feet away.

The balloon represents his innocence, and the beating he's in for

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.9

Mitigating Factor: Mom's obsessive worrying seems to have kept her in pretty good shape.