NHTSA "Over the Limit"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: On behalf of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, three blitzed boozers illustrate their utter contempt for humanity in an amusing fashion by pumping their cars full of alcoholic beverages appropriate to their respective socio-economic status and then speeding crazily along America's motorist-free country roads and city streets in order to test local police agencies' ability to investigate absurdly-obvious examples of aggravated DWI.

Just another night in Western Kentucky

Message: If you're so loaded that turning the interior space of your car into a giant martini fish tank sounds like a good idea, you probably should call a cab.

"What seems to be the problem, Officer?"


"I know this looks bad, but it's actually a pretty funny story."

Subliminal Message: If you stay cool, they'll never catch you.

"Oh yeah? Well, [hic] YOU'RE over the limit!"

Unfortunately, most of the Force was tied up at Professor Gates' house

Memorable Moment: The driver of the martini car picks up a floating olive and pops it in his mouth before being pulled over.

He almost ate a floating lint-encrusted Sucret by mistake

Disturbing Aspect: Despite observing hundreds of gallons of liquid intoxicants pouring out of the plastered drivers' vehicles in colorful waterfalls, the cops still appear uncertain as to whether there's cause to make an arrest, politely asking each driver, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

Something doesn't feel right ...


"That had better be beer, Mister ..."

Burning Questions: Are there any drunk drivers besides white males aged 28 to 41? How many breath mints does it take to mask the smell of a Pontiac full of red wine? After these guys finally succumb to alcohol poisoning, will their livers be displayed at the County Fair?

Don't worry -- that'll wash right out.

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.7

Mitigating Factor: No one was Tasered to death while the cameras were rolling.

Olive Garden "Date Night"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: On a night when her increasingly distant husband is working late again with his eager new administrative assistant / step aerobics partner Gary, a lonely, morally-flexible woman desperate for heterosexual affection and sub-par pseudo-Italian food takes her befuddled but intrigued teenage son out for a date at Olive Garden, where, fighting rising jealously, she tries to determine if he's been seeing someone else on the side.


Me? Date my MOM ... ?


I LIKE it!

Message: When you're here, you're one messed-up family.


Just wait 'till the guys hear about THIS ...

Subliminal Message: What happens at Olive Garden stays at Olive Garden.


You have to admit, they make a cute couple.

Memorable Moment: Shaggy's response to his mother's seductive Olive Garden overture is, "Ooo ... breadsticks."


Freud would have a field day with this ...

Disturbing Aspect: You mean, besides a middle-aged woman hitting on her own kid?


Mom coyly asks son if he's ever been with an older woman ...


... then bursts into tears when he flirts with younger waitress

Burning Questions: What is the age of consent at Olive Garden? Will Mom invite her son back to her place after dinner? What's the phone number of Mary Kay Letourneau's lawyer?


"Um ... that's NOT a breadstick ..."


I hope she's not a cuddler -- I've got band practice tomorrow.

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.9

Mitigating Factor: They somehow were able to keep down the Grilled Chicken Crostada.

Axe "Dirty Boy"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In an otherwise bland and joyless suburban shopping mall, several insanely hot women wearing tight-fitting tank tops unleash a live pig with instructions to locate a guy with oily hair, then give the dazed greaseball an impromptu shampoo to make him suitable for their mindless fawning.

I know this is wrong ... but it feels so right.

Message: Axe Intense Shampoo can convert you from a geeky, video game playing swine magnet to the type of hipster dork Lothario uncontrollably desired by amazing, model-caliber chicks everywhere except on Planet Earth.

A guy like this, irresistible to women? Yeah, when pigs --

Uh ... never mind.

Subliminal Message: It's not the 107 other unappealing aspects of your appearance and personality that are keeping you from getting a date -- you're just using the wrong shampoo.

Look for it in the phallic packaged products aisle


Totally plausible

Memorable Moment: The porcine bloodhound stops at the mall's Food Court to terrorize a lady eating a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger and slop up her 16-ounce Sprite.

"Is this diet?"

Disturbing Aspect: Other shoppers make no move to intervene when Greasy Gus is struck by the plummeting pig.

"Sorry -- I'm on my way to Radio Shack ... "

Burning Questions: Is it really possible that 6% of girls don't agree that "dirty, greasy hair on a guy is a turn-off"? Are donations to AxeHairCrisisRelief.org tax-deductible? Where exactly is that mall located, and what is the fastest way to get there?

The joke is lost on Darfur

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.4

Mitigating Factor: No animals were harmed during the filming of this commercial, unless electroshocking a pig to jump off a 25-foot balcony counts as "harm." But that's kind of a gray area.

Requip "Mystery"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A suggestible, sleep-deprived woman solves the mystery of her spastic nighttime leg thrashing by attributing it to a made-up disease that she reads about in a magazine, then cures herself of the fictitious aliment by eagerly ingesting expensive, potentially-harmful medication, freeing her up to do crossword puzzles while her husband cowers in fear upstairs.


From landlord's spy cam, her predicament is surprisingly hot

Message: The next time you find yourself kicking the crap out of your spouse or lover for no apparent reason, blame it on "Restless Legs Syndrome."


The cycle of violence prevents him from leaving

Subliminal Message: If there's a scientific-sounding name for it, then it can't be just your screwy imagination.


"Did you see this article in Hypochondriac Today?"

Memorable Moment: After taking Requip, Mary McFidgety completes the entire New York Times crossword puzzle in the blink of an eye, without knocking over her nearby drink.


Suppressing nausea, drowsiness, and dizziness, Mary begins


Seconds later, Mary fills in last word before throwing up


Pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea remains safely intact

Disturbing Aspect: While attempting to function independently of her brain, Mary's rebellious legs communicate their intentions in bright, phosphorescent letters.


"Must ... perform ... Riverdance."

Burning Questions: What is the clinical definition of "creepy-crawly?" Will Requip's bizarre side-effects provide a boost to the struggling Las Vegas tourist industry? How do drug-pushing GlaxoSmithKline executives avoid succumbing to their collective guilt and shame?


Why do I suddenly want to play blackjack and have wild sex?


Next from GSK: remedy for Beating Heart Syndrome

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.5

Mitigating Factor: The sex part.

Snuggie "Sleeves"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A group of thermally-sensitive but otherwise normal-seeming people, apparently not on acid or at gunpoint, suddenly lose all contact with reality when they willingly don floor-length fleece monastic robes as a preferred alternative to traditional, non-ridiculous attire.


Woman trapped in regular blanket unable call psychic hotline


Wearing new Snuggie, woman rediscovers opposable thumbs

Message: If you're ready to completely give up on life, Snuggie is ready to dress you.


Cardinal O'Flannigan takes in rerun of "Sex and the City"


Mortified baby regrets not doing E*Trade commercial

Subliminal Message: People already think you're a clueless idiot, so who cares?


Never invite the Millers to your kid's football game


Emperor Palpatine enjoys plush comfort of red Snuggie

Memorable Moment: After putting on a Snuggie to keep warm in her drafty dorm room, a college student accidentally travels back in time to 1968.


If she burned her bra, how would anyone know?

Disturbing Aspect: A Snuggie-clad family glibly prepares to sacrifice its youngest son to the harvest god Ba'al Barkesh.


"Remember when I said it was flame-retardant? I lied."

Burning Questions: Who plays backgammon anymore? How many personal injury lawsuits has Snuggie been hit with so far? Did they fire the production assistant who misspelled "Ithaca?"


At this point, suicide is the only real option


Seconds later, trip over Snuggie causes 3rd-degree burns


"When I die, I want to be in my Snuggie ... with a bottle of gin."

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.5

Mitigating Factor: Snuggie is the only brand of evening wear specifically endorsed by the Vatican.