Sudafed "Flash Card"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a scene which looks about two or three decades behind the times, a miserable, man-faced mother suffering from profound loneliness and debilitating sinus pressure struggles to confirm the answer to a multiplication flash card given by her bratty and impatient home-schooled daughter before being relieved by the head-clearing high of Sudafed OM Nasal Spray.


= number of guys who didn't call after speed-dating


"Do I stutter? I said TWELVE, you inattentive hag!"

Message: By taking a few snorts of Sudafed, you might be able to drag your big yoga-proof butt one day closer to the grave without sending your horrible child there first.


"How would you like to have a time-out in the oven?"

Subliminal Message: Buy it now, while it's still legal.


1 million substance-abusing teens can't be wrong

Memorable Moment: Sudafed reimagines the inside of the unhappy mother's head as the neurobiological equivalent of the Department of Motor Vehicles.


Just another day in Mom's frontal lobe ...


Magic "RUSH" stamp appears underneath number on card

Disturbing Aspect: In a degrading display which subconsciously mirrors real events from her own rock-bottom romantic life, Mom's alter-ego at "Internal Nasal Services" is forced to place the stupefying flash card into a phallic-shaped pneumatic tube canister by a churlish male coworker closely resembling her ex-husband, who then uses it to make a crude, sexually-suggestive gesture.


God, I hope his pants are zipped this time ...


"Yeah ... I like the way you handle that ..."


"Bet you want some more, don't ya?"

Burning Questions: Is Sudafed's hilarious depiction of the inner workings of the human brain scientifically accurate? Isn't the correct answer to the multiplication question right on the back of the flash card? Does Internal Nasal Services offer a good pension plan?

Image taken from Gray's Anatomy (40th Ed.), p. 543

"Okay, now let's see how you do on Creation Science."

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.3

Mitigating Factor: After two more anxious hours, the precocious little darling finally drank her poisoned milk.

Honda "Balloon"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: While taking a somber ride through scenic Burbank in their soul-crushing Honda Pilot douchemobile, a bald, sweater-vested man and his brooding grandson are stopped by a group of geriatric nudists in a crashed hot air balloon which is not actually blocking their path, and, bravely ignoring the repulsive sight of God's wrinkled creation, give the unclothed aviators a lift back to Orange County, driving in reverse.


Charlie's announcement that he's gay pretty much ruined fishing trip


An all-too-common sight on America's open roadways


"Lucky for you, I left my gun at one of those town halls."

Message: Sure, it's an ostentatious behemoth, but there are many practical, everyday uses for the Pilot's eight-passenger transport capacity and non-stick neoprene seat covers.


Looks great on watered-down alkali flats of New Mexico

Subliminal Message: You'd never be able to fit a bunch of paunchy naked strangers into your Prius.


"Christ -- that guy's got more folds than an accordion."


They'll be seeing C. Everett Koop in their nightmares

Memorable Moment: Grandpa seems stymied by the balloon basket sitting in the middle of the road, apparently reluctant to drive his rugged, versatile SUV a few feet along the perfectly flat ground on the shoulder, to the left of the temporary fence erected by underpaid commercial production assistants. Shortly after, as the Pilot backs away with its crew, the balloon itself mysteriously vanishes, perhaps as a metaphor for the elusiveness of human dignity and sensible, non-embarrassing cars.


There's no way around it -- they'll have to turn back


The real balloon is inside each and every one of us

Disturbing Aspect: It's unclear how long the balloonists spent crouched inside the basket before help arrived, or what exactly they were doing while they waited, but the male-to-female ratio is 4:2, and some of them look happier about it than others.


What happens in the basket stays in the basket -- sometimes, literally

Burning Questions: Are nudists not allowed to carry cell phones, or is it just that they have no place to put them? Couldn't these people have at least slid the basket to the side of the road before they drove away? If the highway patrol pulls the Pilot over, will Grandpa be arrested for corrupting a minor?


No amount of Lysol will eradicate the psychological damage

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.0

Mitigating Factor: It took Honda's determined ad team of former cartoonists and failed screenwriters all night and a dozen pots of coffee, but they finally came up with a scenario in which the Pilot's ballyhooed rearview camera might come in handy.

Smirnoff "Foam Pool"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: With the stealthy precision of a team of Navy Seals, a multicultural mob of bored, alcohol-fueled twenty-somethings risk arrest and quadriplegia to take over a dilapidated building in what is supposed to be an American city, but which strangely looks more like Sao Paulo, so that its members can achieve their cherished, hours-old dream of filling an empty rooftop swimming pool with dingy mattresses and colorful foam bricks for a drunken nighttime diving competition.


So THAT'S where all my good foam bricks went!


Nothing unusual here ...


Sign in ostensible U.S. elevator warns not to exceed 2000 kg

Message: With Smirnoff and a sense of adventure, you and your like-minded friends will be able to say, "We were there," even if you don't remember why, or for how long, exactly, and your court-appointed lawyer advises you not to talk about the rest.


The official beverage of thrill-seeking Brazilians


Portuguese-speaking women hurl pillows in view of high-rise slum

Subliminal Message: After downing ten shots of vodka, "dangerously insane" becomes a relative term.


If you're hammered, this makes perfect sense


Just one bottle away from foam-jumping with Jesus


Unfortunately, a few regular bricks got mixed in by mistake

Memorable Moment: Trying to speed things along, the fun-loving crew uses a borrowed wood chipper to spray shredded foam bits into the swimming pool.

I think this might violate the rental agreement ...

Disturbing Aspect: Wasted guys do double gainers into the concrete-lined pool before being medevaced to the hospital.

"Mom! Mom! Look at me ... !"


Months later, Ramon will learn how to blink the alphabet

Burning Questions: Does Smirnoff really believe that its minuscule, barely-legible "Please Drink Responsibly" request, flashed in the closing seconds, is sufficient to offset the fact that no responsible drinkers are actually shown in the commercial? How many screwdrivers does it take to decide that thrashing about in someone else's old bedding, worn couch cushions, and discarded packing material is an appealing idea? Did YouTube's servers get overwhelmed by the thousands of videos posted by impressionable morons who tried to replicate this stunt?

By the time they found Michael Phelps' body, it was too late

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.2

Mitigating Factor: Before their intense hatred of Western civilization was dulled by alcohol abuse and pastel polyurethane, these disaffected young adults were planning to join al-Qaeda.

Resolve "Deep Down Dirt"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: After thoroughly vacuuming her already spotless carpet, a flighty, guilt-riddled housewife is interrogated by an effeminate Resolve product pitchman who's broken into her home to critique her cleaning skills and frighten her young child.


The legendary Resolve Fairy appears from behind the couch


"Girlfriend, I've had it up to HERE with your dirty carpets."


Little Madeline is down to two packs a day

Message: You may think that you keep a clean house, but as revealed by an ordinary scanning electron microscope, you've actually been wallowing in your own filth.


Some see image of Mikhail Gorbachev; others, cat pee

Subliminal Message: You have failed as a wife and mother.


Resolve judges you harshly

Memorable Moment: Spurred by haunting music, Mom rushes to save her daughter from invisible dirt particles embedded deep in her carpet fibers.


Another child almost lost to Sudden Carpet Death Syndrome


Maybe it would stay cleaner if you didn't put pizza on it.

Disturbing Aspect: After revacuuming around a specially displayed china urn, Mr. Resolve empties a pile of fine, powdery ash in front of the traumatized child.


Some of that is Grandpa


Resolve guy briefly trapped in Phantom Zone from "Superman II"

Burning Questions: Isn't it time for Mom to start locking her doors during the day? If the Resolve guy visited, say, Uganda, would his head explode? Are other fashionable clothing items included in Resolve's fall line of apparel?


"Say hello to my little friend."

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.7

Mitigating Factor: In today's troubled economy, it's good to know that there are still job opportunities for roaming, carpet-cleaning home intruders.