Avlimil "Frisky Mamas"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Having previously resigned themselves to being little more than jaded empty vessels for their fat, fumbling husbands' diminishing need for sporadic sexual release, a determined group of rapidly decaying, middle-aged women with Eisenhower-era homemaking sensibilities rediscover their long-dormant passion and desire by taking colorful tablets composed of horticultural extracts traditionally used in countries where people have learned the keys to unlocking our full human potential, yet somehow lack clean drinking water.


Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1959


Nothing's sexier than orthopedic bath pillows


Unless it involves bowling, he has no idea what to do next

Message: Finally, an answer to the age-old question of "What Women Want" -- Damiana Leaf, Soy Isoflavones, Ginkgo Biloba, Panax Ginseng, Schisandra Fruit, and Black Cohosh Root. It was right there in front of us the whole time.


The secret ingredient is dicalcium phosphate

Subliminal Message: They may have poisoned your cat food, but Chinese farmers know how to make you horny.


"And I used to think the problem was my loveless marriage."

Memorable Moment: Professor Witherspoon is surprised by his normally reserved wife's brazen move to grab his attention.


"This is highly irregular, Glenda ... "


"It's smaller than I remembered, but I guess it'll have to do."

Disturbing Aspect: This:


Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong ...


One banana is missing


Ignoring Patty's mating dance, Frank returns to Racing Form


Dear God, please make it stop ...

Burning Questions: What creative genius came up with Avlimil's cleverly obscene "bird in flight / vaginal happy zone" logo? Is one of the side-effects of Avlimil an uncontrollable urge to clean the house? Does "FDA Cleared Formula" mean that, after extensive clinical testing, the FDA agrees that Avlimil "reignites the flames of intimacy and satisfaction," or merely that there's currently no evidence that Avlimil makes you go blind?


That old vibrating vacuum cleaner doesn't seem so bad anymore


Afterward, Carol and the Hoover reflect on deepening relationship

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.5

Mitigating Factor: After "What's With Mama?" won "Best New Jingle" at the AdWorld Commercial Music Awards, Kanye West burst onto the stage and gunned down the entire Avlimil marketing team.

eHarmony "Be Yourself"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A completely random sample of nuzzling couples, all of which happen to consist of artsy, childless, hip-liberal urban professionals from Cambridge, Massachusetts who shop at J.Crew and Pottery Barn, explain how they bravely overcame a lifetime of crushing rejection by discerning, non-desperate members of the opposite sex to find true love through the timeless, storybook romance of computerized matchmaking.


Cheaper than a mail-order bride, and a lot less paperwork

Message: Somewhere out there, the right person with broadband access, low self-esteem, and $59.95 is waiting for you.


Come and get him, girls!

Subliminal Message: Don't forget to take off your wedding ring.


"I couldn't believe how quickly she put out."


"You haven't started taping yet, right?"

Memorable Moment: Karen watches with growing concern as her algorithmic but non-refundable soul mate practices with an imaginary hockey team.


"Yes" answer to schizophrenia question should've been a red flag

Disturbing Aspect: A web-based corporation tries to discover "who you are, at the very deepest levels," and then diligently passes that information along to fee-paying social misfits, isolated weirdos, and potential stalkers.


Unfortunately, Josh wasn't joking when he said he was a virgin


After brief quarrel, Jeremy has to be talked out of hanging himself


Joshua painfully squeezes Tanyalee's finger when she tries to leave

Burning Questions: If these cuddly honeys are so wonderful, why couldn't they meet their future partners at work or through mutual friends, like normal people? How does one express his or her individuality by entering pre-categorized items into a vast computer database? Aren't love-seeking singles more inclined to "be themselves" in their day-to-day personal lives, rather than in a publicly accessible electronic medium notoriously conducive to hiding one's true identity?


A quality usually not associated with vetting dates online


40,000 guys immediately skip to next profile

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.9

Mitigating Factor: You haven't hit bottom until you join Match.com.

Lysol "Bacteria Bathtub"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: As the next installment in Lysol's award-winning series, "Why Mommy Doesn't Live Here Anymore," a deeply troubled, fantasy-prone woman, teetering on the edge of a complete psychotic breakdown after an unsuccessful attempt to regain custody of her children, prepares someone else's lost little boy for a bath in a Pier 1 showroom, then hallucinates that the display tub has been taken over by terrifying micro-monsters, before security guards forcibly escort her out of the store.


Typical immaculate, exquisitely-appointed kids' bathroom


That's odd; I don't recall chortling demons being there before ...


No -- don't open it! For the love of God, don't -- !


"This is where those teens disappeared ten years ago!"

Message: Only Lysol knows what evil lurks in the hearts of moms.


Gesticulating phantasmic bacteria (not pictured: your sanity)

Subliminal Message: You can clean your bathtub, but you'll never be able to wipe away the black mark on your soul. Still, a clean tub's pretty good.


Ready to serve all of your pathological scrubbing needs

Memorable Moment: The imperceptibly soap-stained bottom of the bathtub is revealed to be a teeming tableau of unspeakably nasty creatures.


Photo courtesy of CDC


Where's your Messiah now?


Another fact: you're a stark, raving lunatic.

Disturbing Aspect: This woman somehow escaped from the mental hospital.


Luckily, the kid left a trail of talcum powder for rescuers

Burning Questions: Was it really necessary for Lysol to reassure viewers of this commercial that it's a "dramatization?" Since, in reality, bacteria are microscopic, isn't it likely that if there are any at all, there are far more than mere "thousands?" Isn't it discriminatory that while the bacteria are portrayed as vicious, razor-toothed beasts, viruses appear as cute little spots?


"Hold on a minute -- what's our motivation?"


Works great, unless you've got a violet colored bathroom

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.8

Mitigating Factor: Always a stickler for accuracy, Lysol used the grammatically correct plural form of the verb "to be" when explaining that, unlike soap scum, bacteria "aren't" easy to see (after cartoonishly depicting them as if they were), earning the respect and admiration of English-speaking microbiologists around the world.

Lysol "Germ Playground"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: An artificially buoyant, career-sacrificing mother pumped full of enough Prozac to attain a pharmaceutical facsimile of happiness by servilely chauffeuring her pathogenic offspring around town battles resurgent self-loathing and fuzzy green supergerms with Lysol Healthy Touch Hand Sanitizer Foam.


I'm sure I'll use my astrophysics degree someday ...


"Hey -- you bounced the big boy ball, all by yourself!"

Message: Lysol can't do anything about your postpartum depression, but it can help enable your advanced germaphobia.


Another small step in a lifelong journey of irrational fear

Subliminal Message: Little bugs are crawling all over your body right now -- millions of them.


Because other people are disgusting

Memorable Moment: The playground kids play a pick-up game of germball.


This many germs can really mess up your jump shot

Disturbing Aspect: After climbing into the family minivan, young Damien tries to infect his sleeping baby brother with a handborne virus.


You have to admire Lysol for not exaggerating the threat


We'll see who gets all the attention now, Mr. Poopy Pants ...


Even the germs think this might be going too far

Burning Questions: If Healthy Touch gets rid of 99.9% of illness-causing germs, won't that just make the remaining 0.1% really, really mad? How high has Lysol's stock price risen since the fortuitous appearance of H1N1? Wouldn't it be easier to simply encapsulate ourselves in giant, hermetically sealed bubbles?


"Sorry for almost giving you a deadly disease a minute ago."


"That's okay. Here -- try this pacifier I found in the gutter."

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.2

Mitigating Factor: To ensure the highest quality, only farm-raised, free-range domestic germs were used this commercial.