Epiduo "The Answer"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A pizza-faced, semi-retarded teenager, "Tyler B.," camps out in a drug store for 87 days, heroically foregoing all personal grooming and hygiene, waiting for the answer to his socially-crippling acne problem to magically materialize before him, until a Yoda-like pharmacist convinces him to see an actor portraying his doctor, who prescribes a gel portraying an effective treatment.


Tyler sets up base camp in world's largest acne aisle ...


... unwittingly blocks elderly shopper from Stridex pads ...


... and finally succumbs to Clearasil-induced delirium

Message: Contrary to what Elmo told you, it's what's on the outside that counts.


Because no one gives a shit about your personality

Subliminal Message: You're hideous.


"Undateable, you are."


Circling pimples with Day-Glo paint is sure to help

Memorable Moment: Tyler is stumped by the term "medical condition."


Another fine product of America's educational system


CAT scan later revealed that acne had spread to his brain


"Oh yeah, like, the doctor -- I get it; heh-heh [snort] ... "

Disturbing Aspect: Once Tyler's acne dissipates, cute girls hang on his every stammering word, overlooking his far more serious mental and emotional issues.


"Your relatively unblemished complexion turns us on."


"Clear skin makes him so funny and not gross!"


"Sometimes I set crickets on fire."

Burning Questions: Doesn't this kid have enough going against him without the Vulcan haircut? Why would a dermatologist need a stethoscope to treat someone with acne? When will Walgreens install public showers?


"Your pimples have lived long and prospered."

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.3

Mitigating Factor: After successfully defeating his acne, Tyler left the drug store and moved into a nearby JCPenney, where he's vowed to remain until he finds a solution to his unrelated bed-wetting problem.

Fisher-Price "Dora's House"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Two squealing six-year-olds on an early afternoon play date go bonkers over Dora the Explorer's Magical Welcome House, skillfully assembled by the tiny, aching fingers of their toyless Chinese counterparts, while their disengaged mothers get drunk on supermarket wine and share Harlequin-fueled fantasies about their new yoga teacher in the next room.


Hyperstimulated Maria and Suzie emit sound only dogs can hear

Message: To suburban little girls, Dora is like crack.


Unsuspecting Dora eyed by her prepubescent puppet master


Now very possibly lead-free!

Subliminal Message: Dora has a better place to live than 30 million Americans.


Heart-shaped bank foreclosure sign sold separately


In nod to obesity epidemic, cake pops up from table on demand


Dora's stash of gold Krugerrands hidden in safe under bed

Memorable Moment: Cousin Diego, having started to become curious about the opposite sex, is caught snooping around in Dora's bedroom.


Startled by camera crew, Diego quickly closes underwear drawer

Disturbing Aspect: Dora's world is shattered when her home is invaded by colossal Caucasians.


Dora stands frozen in terror as blonde giant appears outside door


"Please ... just take whatever you want!"


Fleeing upstairs, Dora shocked to find that entire wall is missing


Meanwhile, in the dinette, petrified Mami recites Hail Marys

Burning Questions: Does the Magical Welcome House's orange, pink, and purple exterior color scheme and lack of bathrooms violate local building ordinances? How many kids' fingers have been crushed by the house's automatic spring-release mechanism? Is it right to encourage impressionable children to play God with other people's lives?


Displaying her awesome power, Maria splits house in half


After dwelling is torn apart, search for survivors begins

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.8

Mitigating Factor: Despite months of digging, Lou Dobbs has yet to uncover any discrepancies in Dora's immigration status.

Treximet "Talking Heads"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Having exhausted their neglected husbands' waning sympathy with their constant complaining, three whiny, self-pitying women seek to dramatize the unending misery of their chronic migraines by removing their own heads in a variety of pain-inducing public settings, before GlaxoSmithKline restores their will to live and cook fancy dinners by providing a new pill to soothe their throbbing, hypersensitive brains.


Thanks to PlayStation, son is unfazed by sight of headless mother


After taking Treximet, headache is gone; enormous hips remain

Message: It's either Treximet or suicide -- or, if you don't read the label carefully, both.


There's no FDA in heaven

Subliminal Message: Decapitation is funny.


I don't think light sensitivity is her biggest problem right now.

Memorable Moment: GSK demonstrates how Treximet works by implanting tiny electronic diodes in the preserved cerebrum of a company janitor who mysteriously disappeared from one of its research facilities a few months ago.


He lived a full life. Well, not really -- but he mopped a lot of floors


Out in space, the Treximet mothership passes Alpha Centauri

Disturbing Aspect: Oh, what the heck -- let's go with the severed heads.


There's room in the basket, but that would be degrading


You wouldn't believe how long she had to wait for a cab.


Tired of being bossed around, Tikisha's body takes revenge

Burning Questions: Do men never get migraines -- or do they just know when to shut up about it? Where did all of the women's necks go when they took off their heads? How much was Jim Carrey paid for his performance as the husband of Migraine Sufferer No. 2?


Jim's training at SeaWorld prepared him for this stunt


"I still won't have people sex with you."

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.4

Mitigating Factor: Future class-action lawsuit will help struggling personal injury lawyers weather the recession.

AAFT "Pennies"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In Part Two of AAFT's tear-jerking series on the struggles of soda-loving white people, a hardscrabble single mom from the greater Syracuse-Scranton-Lansing metropolitan area drives her showroom-quality 1998 Ford Focus through the deserted streets of her once-thriving town and returns home to complain to an invisible specter of government oppression that soda taxes threaten to ruin her life and dash the modest hopes and dreams of her sullen, meth-addicted children.


Wild cattle graze where vending machines previously stood


Site of former Dr Pepper factory now vacant lot

Message: It may not mean much to those fat cats in Washington, but Sprite and Cherry Coke are the only things keeping recession-ravaged Middle Americans from duct-taping garden hoses to their tailpipes and heading off to the Great Sam's Club in the Sky.


Another family forced out by high soda taxes

Tool stores can't compete without a cheap source of Mountain Dew

Subliminal Message: Sarah Palin in 2012.

Pennies away from poverty

Memorable Moment: In perfect synchronization, the kids wordlessly walk around to the back of the car to help their mother with three light bags of groceries which she easily could have carried herself.

Showing utterly no emotion, kids approach trunk in unison ...

... then, with outer arms extended, execute flawless tandem turn


Overburdened by 2-liter bottle of soda, son trudges into house

Disturbing Aspect: With rising anger, Mom bitterly chastises the nation's capital as if it were an unwanted visitor standing on her front porch.

"What are you looking at, Washington?"


"You'll have to pry my ginger ale from my cold, dead hands."

Burning Questions: Is this one of those neighborhoods where people feel so safe that they leave their car trunks open at night? Do beverage industry honchos really believe that if they keep displaying their corrosive, obesity-causing products next to brightly-colored fruits and vegetables, they eventually will be regarded as health food? Has Mom ever considered using some of that soda to wash her hair?

Includes a full day's supply of phosphoric acid

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.7

Mitigating Factor: While this woman was busy counting her soda pennies, Congress rushed through a tax on stupidity that will make it prohibitively expensive for her to ever open her mouth in public again.