Froot Loops "Check-Up"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A concerned four-year-old boy, "Cody," suffering from an unusual case of childhood non-obesity, is told by his trusted nursery school-trained physician that a steady diet of sugar-infused corn rings bathed in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil will solve the fiber problem he never had and put him back on the road to hyperactivity, uncontrolled weight gain, and diabetes.

Universal health care


"Is your emergency contact still SpongeBob SquarePants?"

Mr. Frog hopes that no one notices his embarrassing fungus

Message: Froot Loops is part of a nutritious, well-balanced breakfast -- so long as that breakfast includes 1.5 metric tons of broccoli, spinach, and sliced avocado.

From an actuarial standpoint, they'd be better off eating the box

Subliminal Message: Run along to your important sales meeting, Mom -- Kellogg's will raise your kids.


Not legally child abuse

Memorable Moment: Cody receives the grim news that, without a massive infusion of Froot Loops, he has less than six months to live.

Cody regrets never taking that trip to Italy


"Also, I strongly advise you to start consuming more Twizzlers."

The bill seems outrageous, but it's all right there on the abacus

Disturbing Aspect: A cereal with approximately the same amount of nutritional value as a pile of ground-up candy canes is being marketed as health food.

The medical evidence supporting Froot Loops is irrefutable


Once rotted teeth fall out, nothing gets in the way of the flavor

Burning Questions: Can the Kellogg Company find one doctor in North America without a plastic stethoscope who would recommend Froot Loops as a healthy choice? How long did it take Kellogg's creative team to draw the nearly picture-perfect "child" renditions of its product packages? Does spelling the word "fruit" phonetically absolve Kellogg from liability for false advertising?

Underpaid graphic designers are so cute ...

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.7

Mitigating Factor: Kellogg was forced to drop the venerable Tucan Sam as its family-friendly pitchbird after his mysterious Thanksgiving car crash exposed a series of adulterous affairs with trampy white cockatoos.

Excellus "Blue Christmas"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a scene played out countless times across America throughout the cherished open enrollment season, office workers exhibiting more diversity than the U.N. General Assembly are overcome with euphoria upon receiving employer-sponsored health insurance plans with higher premiums, less coverage, and bigger co-pays than the year before.


What -- no female Pacific Islanders?


Grating voice on PA system reminds Jim of recently slain wife

Message: Being shafted by your monopolistic health insurer is better than free bagels.


First one there gets a pre-approved bone marrow transplant


Creepy mailroom guy uses hubbub to hide stolen desk candy

Subliminal Message: Excellus thinks you're an idiot.


Tip No. 1: Don't get sick

Memorable Moment: Insurance plans arrive in bright blue boxes from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.


"Oh boy -- it's almost as good as what they get in Bulgaria!"


In mix-up, Carl's box contains severed head of Harry Reid

Disturbing Aspect: Excellus delivers doll-sized replicas of the two doctors left on its provider list.


They can't treat Barbie without a referral


"Look at their adorable little swine flu masks!"

Burning Questions: Does "cash back for doing healthy stuff" include physical activities with proven cardiovascular benefits, like kicking the crap out of the producers of this commercial? Is utter lack of shame considered a pre-existing condition? Do insurance executives secretly gather in caves to chortle over sloshing snifters of human blood, or is that just an urban legend?


It's the money she could be saving with GEICO

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.1

Mitigating Factor: When an uncovered chronic illness causes you to become homeless, you can sleep in the box.

EFHE "Crisis"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A grim-faced, debt-ridden couple who rely on silently mouthed words and simple hand gestures to communicate their anguished thoughts and feelings stare at a pile of past due notices on the kitchen table and conclude that a congressional health care reform proposal intended to prohibit their insurer from unfairly denying them benefits, prevent them from being bankrupted by sudden, catastrophic illness, and make it easier for them to obtain reasonably-priced coverage, paid for by extracting concessions from giant, profiteering corporations and modestly raising the taxes of well-off people who make five times as much as they do and wouldn't get caught dead in their neighborhood, somehow threatens their humble existence and destroys their child's future.


In hindsight, maybe the marble fireplace wasn't a good idea


Money's so tight, she has to use an adding machine from 1973


Why didn't I vote for that team of mavericks?

Message: If there's one thing in America that's just fine exactly the way it is, it's our affordable, well-managed health care system.


"Bad news: the government's trying to give us health security."

Subliminal Message: Humana's CEO needs a new yacht.


Jack Black's world is crumbling around him


"If the public option passes, I'm going to blow my brains out."

Memorable Moment: After another day of performing area home renovations without a license, dodging I.R.S. agents, and getting drunk on Miller Genuine Draft, Jack hesitates outside his front door, contemplating whether he could make it to Mexico before his wife calls the cops.


What would Joe the Plumber do?


Unfortunately, Jack is not too big to fail

Disturbing Aspect: In desperation, Jack considers selling his son for extra cash.


I wonder what a 6-year-old kidney is worth on the open market ...


The first $500 billion will have to come out of his allowance

Burning Questions: How is torpedoing the nation's last, best chance at fixing health care going to help these dimwits pay their gas bill? If Jack loses his job, will he decline unemployment compensation as a matter of principle, since that is another expensive, taxpayer-supported government program? Does Jack's family send Christmas cards to BlueCross BlueShield?


"The worst part is, we'll be covered for pre-existing conditions."

"I just feel so awful for all those hard-working claims adjusters."

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.0

Mitigating Factor: Since opponents of health care reform started airing commercials, the popularity of gloomy xylophone music has skyrocketed.

Aricept "Lasagna"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: An overreacting, dinner-mooching woman goads her elderly mother into ingesting mind-altering drugs after she makes the fatal error of momentarily forgetting what day of the week it is, providing iron-clad proof that she has Alzheimer's.


Thanks for your big contribution to today's meal, Gloria.


"Something's wrong -- Mom's not exactly where we left her last week!"


Unfinished Metamucil means she can't be far

Message: Giving your aging parents psychotropic medication is easier than teaching them how to use a Blackberry.


Those funny things on the shelves were called "books"

Subliminal Message: Be sure to get power of attorney first.


There's nothing like the hungry, judgmental gaze of family


Oh, shit -- it must be Sunday.


Computer animation depicts Mom's brain as two rotting lemons

Memorable Moment: Gloria stares incredulously at her mother, as if she's become a drooling vegetable, just because dinner wasn't on the table when the family arrived.


"Where's the lasagna, Mom? LA-SA-GNA ... "


My God ... she hasn't even started the sauce.

Disturbing Aspect: According to Aricept, the effectiveness of treatment for dementia is demonstrated by the patient's ability to (1) assess the quality of tomatoes; (2) make a bed; and (3) impart knowledge of proper napkin-folding technique.


"Oh, no, Dear -- that one's been genetically engineered."


When she's done with this, she can clean out the gutters


"Line up those corners, or Nana will have to pinch you again."

Burning Questions: Has anyone at Pfizer ever forgotten what day it is? Is it right to make your doddering mother endure stomach bleeding, fainting, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, bruising, sleeplessness, muscle cramps, loss of appetite, and/or fatigue in order to ensure timely preparation of home-cooked meals? Where can I get that lasagna recipe?


While Gloria readies salad, mother curses her double chin

If family notices lack of drinks, they'll schedule shock therapy

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.6

Mitigating Factor: With improved cognitive ability from Aricept, Mom suddenly recalled that she was planning to disinherit her daughter.