Broadview Security "Backyard"

See the commercial here.

Synopsis: While caring for her young child at home in devoted obedience to the inerrant will of God and her husband Larry, a delicate, defenseless woman, lacking an available male to protect her, is attacked by an escaped convict from the state penitentiary down the road, then is heroically rescued by the big, strong man at Broadview Security before her closely-guarded feminine virtue can be compromised by the unshaven Caucasian who brazenly broke down her door.


If this was Bahrain, she'd be arrested for wearing pants


Setting sun somehow means it's time for lunch

Message: You're never safe, ladies. Never ever ever.


Dark, heavy jacket is perfect summertime disguise


Neighbors too busy tweeting about CSI to call police


It might be hard to believe, but this guy once ran GM

Subliminal Message: Don't worry; Daddy's here.


Soft keypad lets you activate system without breaking a nail


"Don't get hysterical, Miss; just try to enjoy it until help arrives."


"Please hurry, or no man will want me again!"

Memorable Moment: Despite the large Broadview Security sign placed directly in front of the house, the hapless intruder appears surprised that his forced entry caused an alarm to sound.


Broadview sign actually attracts violent criminals


Huh; there's a loud noise ... guess I should move on.

Disturbing Aspect: In odd contrast to her mother's theatrical freak-out, the little girl seems fairly indifferent to the unfolding home invasion.


Mom shrieks in terror while Melissa decides on grilled cheese


You've come a long way, baby. But not really.

Burning Questions: What prevented the intruder from entering the unlocked house while his intended victims were obliviously playing outside? Why did Mom and her daughter run past the intruder in the foyer and scamper upstairs instead of exiting through the back door to safety? Given that the only discernible job requirement is to be able to utter short, reassuring phrases on the phone, when will Broadview hire a dispatcher who is not a beardless, physically fit, white male aged 27-32?


Women would cry all the time or get pregnant


"Ma'am, are you sure the whole thing wasn't just PMS?"

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.9

Mitigating Factor: After the attack, Mom changed into her house dress and baked two batches of oatmeal raisin cookies, vowing never to venture outdoors again.