Thursday, March 4, 2010

Toyota “Total Recall”

Toyota Link 02 Toyota Logo 01A
See the commercial here.

Synopsis: On behalf of a giant, inscrutable, Japanese auto manufacturer / organ donor facilitator, a soothing American narrator who sounds like a caring, non-alcoholic version of your father reading you a bedtime story that didn’t come from the TV Guide patiently explains to the company’s surviving customers that making dangerously defective cars and getting yelled at by U.S. congressmen has helped it learn how killing people, though cost-effective, is sometimes bad for business.

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“OK, who knows how a gas pedal works?  Anyone?  Anyone?”

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“And I hope they replace you with one of them sexy robots.”

Message: You told us you didn’t want randomly self-accelerating cars that caused fatal accidents -- and we listened.

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Postage costs saved by deleting dead warranty holders from recall list

Subliminal Message: Floor mats don’t kill people; people who drive cars with floor mats kill people.

Gas Pedal 02

Memorable Moment: Toyota seeks to reassure frightened consumers with stock photos from the Great Depression.

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Before computers ran cars, only thing we had to fear was fear itself

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Back in 1932, most people couldn’t even afford deadly floor mats

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This old prison is now being readied for Toyota executives

Disturbing Aspect: Toyota’s assembly plant workers require intensive retraining to grasp the concept that, ideally, cars don’t drive by themselves.

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World’s ugliest building houses world’s dumbest safety engineers

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They had to remove this Camry’s entire lower intestine

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New doorless sedan offers more legroom and quicker crash ejections

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Toyota pledges to double the attractiveness of its line inspectors by 2011

Burning Questions: What is the precise mathematical relationship between corporate share price and criminally negligent homicide?  Will future Toyota models come equipped with their own Jaws of Life?  Have the Republicans figured out a way to make this whole thing Obama’s fault?

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Young Sarah Palin sees Russia from back seat of family’s ’69 Corolla

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.9

Mitigating Factor: Most Americans know at least one Prius owner who actually deserves to die.


  1. I wish that they'd take the designers aside and tell them to commit suicide to express their regret. I'm not saying this because Toyota is a Japanese company, I'm saying it because I like the idea of inept boobs stiffing themselves. It tends to improve the gene pool.

  2. I like the commercial where people talk about how they are bravely staring down the Not To Be Spoken Of Recall and just purchased a Toyota, safety issues be damned. I'd like to see a similar commercial for Marlboros, in which gutsy Patriots announce that they are going to DOUBLE their cigarette intake in response to the stupid Surgeon General's warning.

    I especially like the way the on-the-verge-of-tears salesman looks into the camera at the end and says "thank you." Like a drug addict thanking his family for standing by him while he fucked up his life, and theirs.

  3. It's no wonder the company's got problems -- Toyota's CEO doesn't even know how to spell his own last name.


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