Thursday, April 8, 2010

Nike “Dead Man Talking”

Link 01 Logo 03A
See the commercial here.

Synopsis: World’s greatest professional golfer / perverted, self-absorbed cretin telepathically begs Nike sporting equipment and apparel customers for forgiveness while a pre-recorded voice of his deceased father rhetorically questions the reasoning behind his decision to fornicate with somewhere between a quarter and a third of all skanky white women in the continental United States.

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“I’m Tiger Woods, and my sex therapist approves of this message.”

Message: If Earl Woods can vicariously forgive his lecherous, philandering son from beyond the grave via an out-of-context 2004 DVD commentary in which he was actually talking about his emotional relationship with his own wife, why can’t you?

Image 01
Fortunately, he also wears Nike condoms

Subliminal Message: Keep buying our crappy, overpriced merchandise, you clueless monkeys.

Product 04
Approximate size of Kobe diamond required to lure Elin back from Sweden

Memorable Moment: As often occurred when he was a child, Tiger nods off during his dad’s rambling lecture.

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To the Ghost of Earl: his thinking was, “I like to bang bimbos.”

Disturbing Aspect: Um … let’s just go with exploiting the memory of your dead father to sell golf balls.

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The contract negotiations with Dad’s corpse went very smoothly

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In next commercial, Nike airs 1975 audiotape of Mom’s labor pains

Burning Questions: Has anyone ever told Tiger that his expression for “remorse” looks a lot like his expression for bloodless indifference?  Is it true that if you play the Earl clip backwards, it says, “I wish you were Phil Mickelson?”  Will this unbelievably tone-deaf commercial be regarded as one of the biggest marketing blunders in history?

Image 09
When your time comes, walk toward the Swoosh

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.9

Mitigating Factor: Earl died of prostate cancer before he could die of embarrassment.


  1. I'd rather watch the Republicans con dumbasses into paying more for health care than this.

  2. WTF? Way to not convince me to purchase Nike products.

  3. Tiger is still waiting for the right time to ask his dead dad for a raise in his allowance.

  4. "his decision to fornicate with somewhere between a quarter and a third of all skanky white women in the continental United States"

    Why exactly is it worth noting the color of the women Tiger fucked?

    Just curious...


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