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Friday, April 16, 2010

Outback “Onion”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: War-weary U.S. servicemen return home from God-forsaken foreign conflict zones rife with death and destruction to find that their courageous fight for America’s safety and freedom is proudly rewarded by an artery-clogging, deep-fried exploded onion from a failing, Tampa-based restaurant chain posing as a purveyor of Australian cuisine, provided that their shore leave happens to fall during the month of March and that they bring along sufficient documentation of their military service to gain approval of the restaurant’s brainless, part-time servers whose main concern is making enough money to buy new cell phones.

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This vessel is powered entirely by residue from Outback grease traps

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Pre-diabetic family members are already big fans of deep-fried food

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Greatest danger he’s yet to face awaits him on Outback platter

Message: Thanks to our brave troops, we can continue to force-feed fat Americans unhealthy, disgusting meals without Taliban interference.

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Gay sailor risks discharge for publicly embracing patriotic partner

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Jimmy hopes that someday he can fight evildoers for onions, too

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Jennifer tries to steal Daddy’s name tag so she can cash in on deal

Subliminal Message: If you kill bin Laden, you get two.

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Warning: grenade-like appearance of Bloomin’ Onion may trigger PTSD

Memorable Moment: Petty officer finally realizes his dream of making out with the Captain’s wife.

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His breath smelled like onions, but that only seemed to turn her on

Disturbing Aspect: Outback appreciates our fighting men and women enough to buy them an appetizer, but not quite enough to spring for a whole dinner.

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Resisting aggression is tough, but a free snack makes it all worthwhile

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Bolstered by Outback’s largesse, soldiers head back to Vietganistan

Burning Questions: Does Outback also serve Freedom Fries?  Are Bloomin’ Onions mentioned in the Koran?  Do the managers of Outback’s non-participating restaurants hate America?

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Unfortunately, Outback Land Rover is not equipped to handle IEDs

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.3

Mitigating Factor: Domino’s considered giving away their deep-dish pizza, so it could be worse.

8 comments:

  1. Was that the OLD Domino's on the new improved version? Btw, good use of the lingo (PTSD).

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  2. Well, those onions WILL take a lot of oil.

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  3. Does this mean that if you don't want to have your arteries clogged, the terrorists win?

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  4. That is exactly what it means. Nothing says "America" like "deep-fried." Tellingly, the first thing the Taliban did when they took over Afganistan was outlaw Bloomin' Onions. The Kabul Outback franchise was ruined.

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  5. "Welcome Home. Here's why you didn't miss the USA all that much."

    Likely response- Applebee's offers a small side salad to any vet who brings in his Purple Heart.

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  6. Add signature roasted garlic croutons or applewood bacon bits for just $2.50. Limit one per customer. Participating restaurants only. Offer not valid on Saturday, Sunday, or weekdays after 8:00 PM. Void in CT, DC, MA, NH and VT. Apply gratuity to entire order.

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  7. If John Kerry tries to get the salad, Applebee's demands affidavits from six eye witnesses and an OK from T. Boone Pickens.

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  8. "Swift Boat Veterans for Salads."

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