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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Pristiq “Wind-Up”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Using a mechanical wind-up doll that looks like a miniature version of herself with better hair and makeup, a low-talking, self-pitying, 35-year-old woman somberly explains how a comfortable, middle-class life with her loving husband and two wonderful children depresses the hell out of her, until she lets the good folks at Wyeth chemically subdue her bothersome brain.

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Don’t count on any sex or clean laundry from Eileen this week …

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Nothing says “depression is a serious illness” like an animatronic toy

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Mini-Eileen glumly wonders if she should have said yes to G.I. Joe

Message: It’s not all in your head.  Well, it is, but we can fix it.

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Do you think you’re better than me, you glossy little bitch?

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Maybe another swim in the toilet will change your attitude …

Subliminal Message: Let Pristiq do the feeling for you.

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Clinically shown to be more effective than clinging to guns or religion

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May cause mild, coma-like symptoms.  Do not crochet.

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Deep inside Eileen’s golf bag, two super-intelligent tees exchange DNA

Memorable Moment: Thanks to Pristiq, Eileen’s family enjoys a rare moment of joyful togetherness that isn’t interrupted by her uncontrollable sobbing.

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The last time they did this, Mom tried to hang herself on the swing set

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Eyeing a future with the Mets, Suzie celebrates her routine groundout

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Pristiq directs Eileen to smile at developmentally delayed daughter

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Suzie suddenly seizes opportunity to take out Mom’s scary friend

Disturbing Aspect: Molded plastic doll subtly changes facial expressions and body posture to mirror random mood swings of emotionally-unbalanced human counterpart.

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Before: Mini-Eileen looks for mini razor blade

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After: only thing that can stop her now is edge of picnic table

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The secret to happiness is psychotropic drugs and sensible shoes

Burning Questions: Why doesn’t this troubled woman just abuse alcohol or join the U.S. Army to deal with her crippling depression, like a normal person?  Is it wise for someone who suffers from depression to use a medication with side effects that include thoughts of suicide?  How many milligrams of Pristiq does it take to not care that you no longer know how to solve your problems without pills?

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Mini-Eileen sometimes gets the feeling that she’s not the one in control

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She tried to report the unwanted fondling, but no one believed her

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.2

Mitigating Factor:  Taking Pristiq is a lot easier than having unpleasant emotions, or drowning your kids in the bathtub.

8 comments:

  1. 35? There is no way that this woman is younger than me! You shouldn't discount the mood-enhancing effects of a good pair of shoes (not sensible ones, though).

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  2. Never under-estimate the value of sensible shoes...

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  3. What a wonderful message: "Don't solve your problems, narcotize yourself into a stupor." It hearkens back to the nineteenth century when women who had depression were fed soothing syrups with so much opium in them, they ran the risk of being soothed all the way into a pine box.

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  4. Such negativity. Sounds like someone could use a little Pristiq.

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  5. It's no longer Wyeth, It's Pfizer.

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  6. Yes -- but the drug is still being marketed under Wyeth's good name, as shown at the end of this commercial. We're sure there's room in hell for both of them.

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  7. http://thiscommercialsucks.blogspot.com/2009/08/maybe-you-wouldnt-be-so-damned.html

    I did my post on this one before I had learned the mysterious art of embedding videos. For sheer goofiness, it tops most drug ads, which is saying a LOT.

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  8. At least Mrs. Pristiq wasn't relentlessly pursued by the Plavix Gurney From Hell.

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