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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Match.com “First Date”

Link 01 Logo 02F
See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Driven by creeping desperation and a desire to get some return on an overly-optimistic investment in birth control, two young … ish, personality-challenged social misfits, rapidly approaching their respective “sell by” dates and unable to attract anyone who actually knows and interacts with them on a daily basis, succumb to the ritualized humiliation of internet dating in the hope of finding their one, true soul mate -- or at least another carbon-based life form willing to endure an uncomfortable dinner followed by empty, unfulfilling sex.

Image 01
If she doesn’t wake up in someone’s trunk, she’ll consider evening a success

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Janet quickly de-waxes ear while one of her Match rejects stalks behind

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Better chug that White Zin, honey – this is gonna be a long night.

Message: Lowering your standards has never been easier.

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Well, he’s got all his teeth, and according to his profile, he’s hepatitis-free …

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“You don’t mind going Dutch, right?  ’Cause you look like a big eater.”

Subliminal Message: It’s either this, or buying another ten-pack of AA batteries for Valentine’s Day.

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When she shuts her eyes and hums “Roxanne,” Allan turns into Sting

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Meanwhile, “Not Sting” wonders if one Viagra tablet will be enough

Image 14A
Match’s hidden crotch-cam catches Janet nervously cracking knuckles

Memorable Moment: Trying to conceal his obvious disappointment, Allan grudgingly attempts to execute an awkward, robotic hug.

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Step 1: Slump shoulders, bend stiffly at waist, crane neck at odd angle

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Step 2: Lean indecisively to wrong side, reach tentatively for enormous hips

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Step 3: Maintaining 12-inch separation, rub unshaven face against cheek

Disturbing Aspect: Based on his irresistible aloofness and casual interest in 80’s high school movies, Janet immediately decides that Allan is Mr. Right.

Image 09
As vertebrae are crushed, Allan drafts break-up text message in his mind

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Janet is eager to hear more about Allan’s entry-level job at Barnes & Noble

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“Omigod – did you really say that to your assistant manager?  No way!”

Burning Questions: Is “What’s goin’ on?” the best greeting Allan could come up with for his potential life partner?  Does this guy even remotely look like someone who might enjoy listening to classic rock?  Why does Janet hold her gigantic umbrella over her head when it’s not raining?

Image 20B
Allan waits for right moment to mention that divorce isn’t finalized

Image 21A
From gutter, unseen homeless alcoholic watches new love bloom

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In fact, 57% of Match users are already married

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.1

Mitigating Factor: After a few months on Match, that upcoming tour of duty in Iraq won’t seem so bad at all.

16 comments:

  1. WHO drinks White Zin on date?? Or anywhere..tell me?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I may be in my 40s, but I do still have a fondness for white zinfandel (and Zima too, for that matter). ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Let's not fail to notice the "footage from actual first date" scroll on the screen- meaning "if these two losers hope to show up on television some day, they'd better play it up for the cameras."

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  4. They edited out the parts where Allan asked, "So, how do you feel about threesomes?" and Janet casually let slip that she has herpes.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's such a cute couple. I wonder how are the two doing? match.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's go to your spam blog and not find out.

      Delete
    2. It's nice to see that you aren't the only blogger being plagued by people too stupid to realize that their commercials are being ragged on by our sites.

      Delete
    3. Yes ... although that link doesn't actually go to Match, but to some third-party site. It's hard out there for a pimp.

      Delete
  6. Zima is no more Toaster. :(

    I'm sure that you've been waiting almost a year to see this post. You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Apparently, you haven't been to Zima.com lately. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Both parties are happy so I'm happy also.
    Mens Aftershaves

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, that's great. Now let's all celebrate with some affordable aftershave.

      Delete
  9. Or, better yet hear it from a guy who has been on dozens of dates with women on match.

    1. Oh, great. She looks nothing like her profile picture.
    2. Oh, great. When she said homebody she literally meant she never leaves the house, or watches tv, or reads, or does yard work. What does she do?
    3. Oh, great. We haven't even met and I had to block her number and now she is stalking me and leaving voicemails with her No Caller ID phone calls.
    4. Oh, great. She said she works from home, complained about me being too busy, but now she acts like she has no time when we try to make plans. Sorry, I don't play games. Dropped.
    5. Oh, great. Lesson learned that girls that only take pictures of their faces are actually quite out of shape.
    6. Oh, great. Another Match chic 'crying' about getting too many emails from guys. Really? You get more than one email per week?
    7. Oh, great. There are so many desperate, loser, d-bags that even ugly chics get inundated with emails. Where IS this 'artificial', and 'non-existent' reality in the real world? Nowhere.
    8. Oh, great. She really has kids but just lied about it. Three kids to be exact.
    9. Oh, great. She broke up with her boyfriend a week ago.
    10. Oh, great. We just met (at Starbucks), and she is already mentioning "we" and "us".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That match site for people over fifty is even worse- the guy who is so impressed with himself when he got "four flirts in about five minutes...hehe..." yeah, don't be so blown away by your ability to attract desperate, rapidly-running-out-of-time women, moron. My guess is that four flirts in five minutes is about average. Like chum being proud that it attracts sharks. Please.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I've seen that. No self-respecting guy over 50 should be giddy about online "flirts."

      Delete

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