See the commercial here.
Synopsis: Driven by creeping desperation and a desire to get some return on an overly-optimistic investment in birth control, two young … ish, personality-challenged social misfits, rapidly approaching their respective “sell by” dates and unable to attract anyone who actually knows and interacts with them on a daily basis, succumb to the ritualized humiliation of internet dating in the hope of finding their one, true soul mate -- or at least another carbon-based life form willing to endure an uncomfortable dinner followed by empty, unfulfilling sex.
If she doesn’t wake up in someone’s trunk, she’ll consider evening a success
Janet quickly de-waxes ear while one of her Match rejects stalks behind
Better chug that White Zin, honey – this is gonna be a long night.
Message: Lowering your standards has never been easier.
Well, he’s got all his teeth, and according to his profile, he’s hepatitis-free …
“You don’t mind going Dutch, right? ’Cause you look like a big eater.”
Subliminal Message: It’s either this, or buying another ten-pack of AA batteries for Valentine’s Day.
When she shuts her eyes and hums “Roxanne,” Allan turns into Sting
Meanwhile, “Not Sting” wonders if one Viagra tablet will be enough
Match’s hidden crotch-cam catches Janet nervously cracking knuckles
Memorable Moment: Trying to conceal his obvious disappointment, Allan grudgingly attempts to execute an awkward, robotic hug.
Step 1: Slump shoulders, bend stiffly at waist, crane neck at odd angle
Step 2: Lean indecisively to wrong side, reach tentatively for enormous hips
Step 3: Maintaining 12-inch separation, rub unshaven face against cheek
Disturbing Aspect: Based on his irresistible aloofness and casual interest in 80’s high school movies, Janet immediately decides that Allan is Mr. Right.
As vertebrae are crushed, Allan drafts break-up text message in his mind
Janet is eager to hear more about Allan’s entry-level job at Barnes & Noble
“Omigod – did you really say that to your assistant manager? No way!”
Burning Questions: Is “What’s goin’ on?” the best greeting Allan could come up with for his potential life partner? Does this guy even remotely look like someone who might enjoy listening to classic rock? Why does Janet hold her gigantic umbrella over her head when it’s not raining?
Allan waits for right moment to mention that divorce isn’t finalized
From gutter, unseen homeless alcoholic watches new love bloom
In fact, 57% of Match users are already married
Overall Loathsomeness: 6.1
Mitigating Factor: After a few months on Match, that upcoming tour of duty in Iraq won’t seem so bad at all.
Posts
WHO drinks White Zin on date?? Or anywhere..tell me?
ReplyDeleteI may be in my 40s, but I do still have a fondness for white zinfandel (and Zima too, for that matter). ;)
ReplyDeleteLet's not fail to notice the "footage from actual first date" scroll on the screen- meaning "if these two losers hope to show up on television some day, they'd better play it up for the cameras."
ReplyDeleteThey edited out the parts where Allan asked, "So, how do you feel about threesomes?" and Janet casually let slip that she has herpes.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a cute couple. I wonder how are the two doing? match.com
ReplyDeleteZima is no more Toaster. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that you've been waiting almost a year to see this post. You're welcome.
Apparently, you haven't been to Zima.com lately. ;)
ReplyDeleteBoth parties are happy so I'm happy also.
ReplyDeleteMens Aftershaves