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Monday, May 17, 2010

New Line “SATC 2”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a haunting preview of “Sex and the City 2,” four big-boned, grotesquely-aging female sexual predators descend like freakish human buzzards on a posh resort in Abu Dhabi (played by Morocco) to offend and horrify the Muslim world with their foul mouths, leathery skin, and absurd, mawkish attire while pursuing hapless men who, despite evidently being neither blind nor castrated, are inexplicably unable to resist them.

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SATC glamour girl looks like she was carved out of Sycamore tree

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Can you find all twenty-seven violations of the Koran in this picture?

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Miranda and Carrie shop while locals discuss who should throw acid on them

Message: There’s nothing hotter than mascara-caked post-menopausal goblins talking dirty in the desert.

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I’d sooner do the camel.

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Um … no thanks.

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Sorry, ladies – offscreen, you’re still stuck with a lazy, insensitive jerk …

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… who nobody’s ever called “Mr. Big.”

Subliminal Message: If you possess an XY chromosome, get ready for the longest 2 hours and 27 minutes of your life.

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Airbrush artist sued studio for carpal tunnel syndrome and emotional distress

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Every guy dragged into theater shares same wistful dream:

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Insipid female blather is suddenly interrupted by thermonuclear blast …

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… turning hyper-irritating women into pile of burning, radioactive dust …

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… bringing movie to merciful end in time for second half of Lakers game

Memorable Moment: Carrie and her calcified companions go for Lawrence of Arabia and end up with Ishtar.

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Come on, Bedouin snipers – where are you?

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Guides tried to trade them for pair of sandals, but there weren’t any takers

Disturbing Aspect: Slutty embalmed she-creatures ogle and drool over potential victims of their wizened, geriatric desires.

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Visiting water polo team desperately signals for rescue chopper

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Cynthia Nixon channels pirate hooker incarnation of Cloris Leachman …

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… while ravages of time slowly morph Sarah Jessica Parker into Dan Cortese

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Kim’s had more surgery than chick whose face was chewed off by chimp

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Kristin wonders if that’s a cool breeze or icy hand of approaching death

Burning Questions: Can any woman living outside a ten-block radius of Midtown Manhattan really relate to these vapid, clown-dressed bimbos?  Has any movie with the word “sex” in its title ever been less appealing to straight men?  How many re-viewings of “Zombieland” does it take to eradicate all memory of this film?

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Pray for Matthew Broderick

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.5

Mitigating Factor: There’s a slight but statistically significant chance that an asteroid will strike the Earth and extinguish all life on the planet before they finish “Sex and the City 3.”

15 comments:

  1. "Cynthia Nixon channels pirate hooker incarnation of Cloris Leachman …" lol...NICE!

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  2. At least Cloris Leachman would give you your money's worth.

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  3. My mother and sister loved "Sex And The City." I asked "I don't get Sarah Jessica Parker- is she supposed to be attractive in any way?" Their reply was "no, she's not good looking- just sexy." I countered that, as a male, I've never understood that "not good looking, just sexy" notion. Maybe I'm shallow, but I've never met an ugly woman I thought was sexy.

    And there's nothing sexy about these disgusting old fossils.

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  4. Aiden would never say something like that. Of course, anyone named "Aiden" deserves to have his eyes pecked out by angry crows ... which, ironically, would make romancing Sarah Jessica Parker a lot easier.

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  5. I've never understood how SJP could go from Square Pegs to sexy.

    But Aiden Quinn is hot...I'm just saying. ;)

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  6. I never understood the appeal of the book, the series or the first film in the first place; how exactly does it make it easier for women to be treated as equals if they're being presented as being less mature and more materialistic than the protagonists of Totally Spies?

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  7. It's not about equality. It's about fabulously inappropriate clothing draped on trampy, man-faced women searching for storybook sex and a cute pair of Bruno Maglis. It works on so many levels.

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  8. I don't pray, but I am going to start praying for that Earth-destroying asteroid to hit before they make part 3...

    When a series gets to "part 3" lately, they make them 3D.

    And that frightens me beyond comprehension.

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  9. Pahz, to think of the facial features of those ladies in 3D...scary!

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  10. There's not enough Botox in all the world to hide crow's feet from IMAX.

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  11. Nor is there enough to hide the fact that when Big and Carrie are in bed, Chris Noth looks like he's about to have sex with Jerry Orbach.

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  12. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

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  13. Can Sarah Jessica Parker possibly look uglier as she ages? Cus that's pretty damn awful...

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    Replies
    1. One can only hope that she's never again allowed to appear in a movie with the word "sex" in its title.

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