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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tampax “Rapids”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a scene which could have been dreamed up only by someone who is biologically incapable of actually experiencing the mammalian wonder of uncontrolled post-ovulatory bleeding, a sassy, self-assured, and super-absorbent kayaker, “Lindsey,” comes upon her mortal enemy, Mother Nature, who is taking a break from killing half a million innocent Haitians to personally deliver her hilariously euphemistic “monthly gift” to carefree, on-the-go American women.

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Springtime in Nashville

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Mother Nature has a nice set of gams

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“So you’re the one who causes the excess lining of my uterus to slough off!”

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“Yes … but the horse face comes from your father.”

Message: With your active lifestyle and preference for expensive white undergarments, you can’t afford to get slowed down by the embarrassing inconvenience of your natural reproductive cycle.

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“You don’t scare me – I’ve got a cotton-rayon wad stuffed in my birth canal!”

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“Well, that should be a nice change of pace for you, Dear …”

Subliminal Message: For 3-5 days a month, being a woman is totally gross.

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Blocking mucus-laden uterine discharge has never seemed so classy

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Same technology is being used to stop Gulf Coast oil spill

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You have to see the absorptive power of Tampax to believe it

Memorable Moment: Lindsey carries visible box of tampons on her back during whitewater kayaking trip.

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WARNING: Tampax has not been certified as an emergency floatation device

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“With Tampax and my vintage WWII helmet, there’s nothing I can’t do!”

Disturbing Aspect: Tampax imagines menstrual blood flow as a series of festively-wrapped presents tumbling down through your womanly chasm.

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Fig. 1 – Messy threat to that big board meeting or triathlon emerges

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Fig. 2 – Mother Nature’s gift keeps on giving; situation critical

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Fig. 3 – Tampax user is safe; other brand user will have to buy new pantsuit

Burning Questions: Now that Tampax has solved the once-insurmountable leaking problem, can it do anything about the irrational bitchiness?  Is Mother Nature sleeping with Al Gore?   Will Lindsey encounter the Tooth Fairy around the next bend?

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According to police, Mother Nature was last person to see Lindsey alive

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All they found was a crushed kayak and three plastic applicators

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.8

Mitigating Factor: Flashing  a box of tampons has been shown to dramatically reduce the number of unwanted sexual advances by lonely park rangers.

11 comments:

  1. What? No comment on Mother Nature's green suit? She does have have great legs as the editor pointed out...

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  2. No more flowing dresses and flowers in her hair; today's Mother Nature is clearly dressed for success. But for some reason, we'd always pictured her as a blonde.

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  3. I have to agree--this concept could've only been dreamed up by a man.

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  4. Yes, and only a man could liken a woman's most unpleasant time of the month to a "festively wrapped present." Truly a gift...cramps, bloating and bitchiness...

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  5. Ohhh, so that's what I've been missing... the vintage WWII helmet. I've been approaching my "festively wrapped present" time all wrong.

    Hilarious!

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  6. It's amazing what a difference appropriate military headgear can make when dealing with your period.

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  7. Thank you! I don't like that Mother Nature is older, so well dressed means 'buttoned-up'. Also hate that older women are jealous of younger active women.

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  8. Apparently when women seek to cast blame for their periods, they imagine being tormented by a Tupperware Lady from 1962.

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  9. Again, Editor, I really think that it is a MAN who we have to thank for THAT particular visualization!

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  10. Perhaps not terribly subtle but note the message here that the woman can handle the rapids and the product can handle *her* (vaginal) rapids

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