Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tampax “Rapids”

Link 01 Logo 01C
See the commercial here.

Synopsis: In a scene which could have been dreamed up only by someone who is biologically incapable of actually experiencing the mammalian wonder of uncontrolled post-ovulatory bleeding, a sassy, self-assured, and super-absorbent kayaker, “Lindsey,” comes upon her mortal enemy, Mother Nature, who is taking a break from killing half a million innocent Haitians to personally deliver her hilariously euphemistic “monthly gift” to carefree, on-the-go American women.

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Springtime in Nashville

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Mother Nature has a nice set of gams

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“So you’re the one who causes the excess lining of my uterus to slough off!”

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“Yes … but the horse face comes from your father.”

Message: With your active lifestyle and preference for expensive white undergarments, you can’t afford to get slowed down by the embarrassing inconvenience of your natural reproductive cycle.

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“You don’t scare me – I’ve got a cotton-rayon wad stuffed in my birth canal!”

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“Well, that should be a nice change of pace for you, Dear …”

Subliminal Message: For 3-5 days a month, being a woman is totally gross.

Product 01
Blocking mucus-laden uterine discharge has never seemed so classy

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Same technology is being used to stop Gulf Coast oil spill

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You have to see the absorptive power of Tampax to believe it

Memorable Moment: Lindsey carries visible box of tampons on her back during whitewater kayaking trip.

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WARNING: Tampax has not been certified as an emergency floatation device

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“With Tampax and my vintage WWII helmet, there’s nothing I can’t do!”

Disturbing Aspect: Tampax imagines menstrual blood flow as a series of festively-wrapped presents tumbling down through your womanly chasm.

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Fig. 1 – Messy threat to that big board meeting or triathlon emerges

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Fig. 2 – Mother Nature’s gift keeps on giving; situation critical

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Fig. 3 – Tampax user is safe; other brand user will have to buy new pantsuit

Burning Questions: Now that Tampax has solved the once-insurmountable leaking problem, can it do anything about the irrational bitchiness?  Is Mother Nature sleeping with Al Gore?   Will Lindsey encounter the Tooth Fairy around the next bend?

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According to police, Mother Nature was last person to see Lindsey alive

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All they found was a crushed kayak and three plastic applicators

Overall Loathsomeness: 8.8

Mitigating Factor: Flashing  a box of tampons has been shown to dramatically reduce the number of unwanted sexual advances by lonely park rangers.


  1. What? No comment on Mother Nature's green suit? She does have have great legs as the editor pointed out...

  2. No more flowing dresses and flowers in her hair; today's Mother Nature is clearly dressed for success. But for some reason, we'd always pictured her as a blonde.

  3. I have to agree--this concept could've only been dreamed up by a man.

  4. Yes, and only a man could liken a woman's most unpleasant time of the month to a "festively wrapped present." Truly a gift...cramps, bloating and bitchiness...

  5. Ohhh, so that's what I've been missing... the vintage WWII helmet. I've been approaching my "festively wrapped present" time all wrong.


  6. It's amazing what a difference appropriate military headgear can make when dealing with your period.

  7. Thank you! I don't like that Mother Nature is older, so well dressed means 'buttoned-up'. Also hate that older women are jealous of younger active women.

  8. Apparently when women seek to cast blame for their periods, they imagine being tormented by a Tupperware Lady from 1962.

  9. Again, Editor, I really think that it is a MAN who we have to thank for THAT particular visualization!

  10. Perhaps not terribly subtle but note the message here that the woman can handle the rapids and the product can handle *her* (vaginal) rapids


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