Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Allstate “Recession”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Allstate Insurance Company’s roving specter of doom, Dennis Haysbert, offers a rare uplifting message about how the nation’s worst economic crisis since the Great Depression is actually a blessing in disguise, reassuring the company’s anxious, cash-strapped policyholders that, no matter how bad things get, Allstate will continue to accept outrageous premiums for insuring the ever-diminishing value of their cars, homes, and lives.

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Dennis walks across Lake Michigan to survey recession-ravaged Chicago

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Construction worker wonders if immigrant next to him will try to take his job

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Dan may be saving gas money, but everyone at the office thinks he’s a wuss

Message: As long as your check clears and you don’t live in an area subject to earthquakes,  hurricanes, flooding, mold, or any other type of loss that has a decent chance of actually occurring, you’re in good hands with Allstate.

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Carlos fondly recalls getting real haircuts in Guatemala

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Hopefully the beatings at school will end before the recession does

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Gina’s lips are uninsurable … which is totally hot

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Now she has a dress fine enough to be buried in

Subliminal Message: Enjoy your mandatory “tropical cyclone” deductible … and don’t even try calling us about BP.

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Maybe owner would have better luck if he didn’t list fake phone number

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Yeah, this business is definitely gonna make it

Memorable Moment: An unemployed father spends two hours of potential job-hunting time and $19.36 in supplies refurbishing a perfectly good chair in an unsuccessful attempt to prove to his detached eight-year-old son that he’s not completely useless.

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First, start with priceless heirloom left to wife by her beloved grandmother …

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… then callously rip away padding hand-sewn by French artisans in 1881 …

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… then apply cheap finish picked up at Lowe’s instead of job application …

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… and – voila! – an ugly piece of crap

Disturbing Aspect: An upper-middle-class family is forced to depend on freakishly-perfect, home-bioengineered tomatoes to avoid starvation.

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Like predatory mortgage lender, it thrives on human tears

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When redness becomes visible from space, you know it’s time to harvest

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If you breathe in deeply, you can really smell the Roundup

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This should tide them over until soybean crop is ready

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Dad and Joey quickly changed their shirts before Mom made it to her car

Burning Questions: How many Allstate executives grow their own vegetables and ride their bikes to work?  If the recession is making America great, shouldn’t we continue to systematically wreck our economy until we become even greater?  Does Dennis Haysbert frighten his own children?

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Unfortunately, he failed to insure his acting career

Overall Loathsomeness: 5.2

Mitigating Factor: God is cooking up a few new natural disasters that Allstate hasn’t thought to exclude yet.


  1. I know when we're strapped for cash the first thing we do is go out and purchase tomato plants, materials for a dress, and chair-refinishing supplies.

    By the way, ever since I found Pointless Planet, I watch ads now, wondering how you'd pick them apart. It makes them more bearable. And of course, the ones you've already done- it makes me laugh to see them on TV now.

  2. Don't forget a ten-speed bike capable of taking you 45 miles to and from work every day and 5,000 square feet of leased retail space for that trendy little photography shop you've always dreamed of opening in the city.

  3. I've been meaning to use my own blog to snark on the commercial where the "boys" out for lunch snark mercilessly at the coworker who (giggle, snort, condescend) brought his OWN LUNCH in a (chuckle) PAPER BAG!! Oh, what a ridiculous way to try to save money! Jeesh, what's next- having a beer at home instead of hitting Happy Hour every Friday night? A DVD instead of the local cineplex? What a cheap loon!

  4. Everyone knows that saving money is un-American. If you make your own tuna fish sandwich, the terrorists win.

  5. It's like saying that there's a bright side to being waterboarded- it really makes you appreciate air. How many of us take the time to be truly thankful for the ability to breathe when we AREN'T drowning?

    The other message is "sure, times are really tight, and everyone's looking to cut back. But don't even THINK of cutting back on insurance, because that's more important than food or transportation."

  6. Don't forget the importance of providing your family with much-needed soda--as far as the soccer moms are concerned, you can pry the soda from their cold, dead hands.

  7. Change "much-needed" to "life-sustaining" and your post is more accurate Toaster.

  8. Gotta have something to wash down the Mac n' Cheese and Chef Boyardee! You want the family to choke?

  9. If only you could grow cans of Sprite in the garden.


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