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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

BP “Slick”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: BP CEO Tony Hayward takes another shot at getting his life back by reassuringly describing how thousands of other people are cleaning up his company’s mess.

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Going without a tie proves he’s not evil

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“I shall recall the odor of drunken shrimpers long after I return to England.”

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Beach decrapification is still a male-dominated profession

Message: BP deeply regrets the unprecedented, unforeseen events that may or may not have occurred in the Gulf of Mexico as a result of certain as-yet undetermined actions allegedly taken or not taken by various entities affiliated with, but not necessarily controlled by, The British Petroleum Company plc and/or its duly authorized subsidiaries, which, like all endeavors of mankind, are subject to the arbitrary and capricious whims of an all-powerful, uncaring God.

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Occasional collisions by inattentive jet skiers help to keep the mood light

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With boom in place, workers carefully apply world’s largest Crest Whitestrip

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Threatened pelicans decide it’s time to accelerate nuclear weapons program

Subliminal Message: Shit happens.

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Let’s just call this picture, “Before.”

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Angry, out-of-work PGA caddies crowd BP field office in search of answers

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“Sir, unless you give me the oil’s hydrocarbon ratio, I can’t confirm it’s ours.”

Memorable Moment: BP manages to portray a massive oil cleanup operation without actually showing any oil.

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It’s good to see that expelled Arizona immigrants have landed on their feet

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The hardhats are for what again?

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Scrub crew yuks it up while Dawn-soaked bird suffers series of heart attacks

Disturbing Aspect: It took six weeks for BP to figure out how to say, “We’re sorry.”

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“I feel a profound sadness for the tragic losses sustained by BP shareholders.”

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“I will not sleep until every drop of oil from that reservoir is sold overseas.”

Burning Questions: Is it technologically feasible to pump the oil removed from Gulf Coast beaches and wetlands directly into Tony Hayward’s living room?  Are all the libertarian Tea Partiers down South who railed against government regulation enjoying their crawdad and tar ball gumbo?  Can Sarah Palin see the BP oil slick from her house?

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Previously boring Gulf now resembles vibrant methane lakes of Titan

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National Guard troops hasten to assemble beer pong table before nightfall

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If you’re calling to make a death threat, press or say, “1”

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.4

Mitigating Factor: Once-impossible dream of designing car that runs on seawater now much closer to reality.

7 comments:

  1. As usual, another bit of brilliance!

    I always love reading your work.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Why, thank you ... but, in fairness, all the credit here really belongs to BP -- they make our job so much easier. Spill, baby, spill.

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  3. "It took six weeks for BP to figure out how to say, “We’re sorry.”
    Maybe most of that time was spent deciding on Hayward's outfit; unbuttoned white shirt and no tie must mean that he is on-site helping with the clean up himself.(note sound of oil-covered seagulls in background)

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  4. At least that indicates a few gulls are still alive -- unless the sound was spliced in from a Coppertone ad.

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  5. Meanwhile, they're still playing the acid trip commercials about how great it is to gas up at BP. I think we know where their real priorities lie, don't we?

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    Replies
    1. You mean "Peeple 'r eatin' shryimp agayin!"?

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  6. I think that this commercial was aided by Dr. Dramatization (uncredited).

    ReplyDelete

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