See the commercial here.
Synopsis: The world’s sweatiest athletes deliver the world’s dullest sport to the world’s biggest stage – which, in the United States, means coveted pre-dawn time slots on ESPN and ESPN2.
It takes determination to play sport easily mastered by 10-year-old girls
Tense crowd waits to see who will inadvertently boot ball out-of-bounds
Only cool moment in match sends defender to hospital with collapsed lung
Message: If people from non-superpower nations all over the globe can vent their pent-up frustration about their depressingly substandard personal lives by going crazy over this monotonous, fundamentally-flawed exercise in futility, why can’t you?
Na’vi spectators from Pandora mess up German placard display
Charming little boy too young to understand that his country doesn’t matter
For security purposes, all fans must display homeland initials on foreheads
Subliminal Message: A couple billion unbathed lunatics can’t be wrong.
Forward determines that jersey is clean enough to wear again tomorrow
Argentinean team officials celebrate another convincing 0-0 tie
Portuguese goalkeeper still not ready to be released from captivity
Memorable Moment: For just the third time since World Cup play began in 1930, an obscure event referred to in the FIFA rule book as a “goal” occurs, leaving players stunned and confused.
My grandfather said he saw something like this once, before the war …
Midfielder perplexed by appearance of non-oval number on scoreboard
“What is happening? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!”
Disturbing Aspect: In at least half of the countries sending teams to the tournament, on-field failure has lethal consequences.
When it’s over, this man will be able to sleep with any woman in Nigeria …
… while this man will be gunned down in front of his family in Rio de Janeiro
After weeks of interrogation, North Korean confesses to botched corner kick
Burning Questions: Is the rest of the world completely insane, or is soccer just an elaborate international conspiracy to stupefy U.S. fans accustomed to watching sports that don’t suck? Whose brilliant idea was it to create a ball-control game that prohibits players from using the two most dexterous appendages of the human body? If, say, Ron Artest was forced to play soccer, how long would it take for his head to explode?
Better ratings for women’s college softball on ESPN3
No English-speaking American knows or cares who this guy is
Player who faked 17 injuries during WC final has no trouble hoisting trophy
Overall Loathsomeness: 6.3
Mitigating Factor: As far as we know, there’s no World Cup equivalent to the Super Bowl halftime show. That’s about it.