Friday, June 18, 2010

ESPN “World Cup”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: The world’s sweatiest athletes deliver the world’s dullest sport to the world’s biggest stage – which, in the United States, means coveted pre-dawn time slots on ESPN and ESPN2.

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It takes determination to play sport easily mastered by 10-year-old girls

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Tense crowd waits to see who will inadvertently boot ball out-of-bounds

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Only cool moment in match sends defender to hospital with collapsed lung

Message: If people from non-superpower nations all over the globe can vent their pent-up frustration about their depressingly substandard personal lives by going crazy over this monotonous, fundamentally-flawed exercise in futility, why can’t you?

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Na’vi spectators from Pandora mess up German placard display

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Charming little boy too young to understand that his country doesn’t matter

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For security purposes, all fans must display homeland initials on foreheads

Subliminal Message: A couple billion unbathed lunatics can’t be wrong.

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Forward determines that jersey is clean enough to wear again tomorrow

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Argentinean team officials celebrate another convincing 0-0 tie

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Portuguese goalkeeper still not ready to be released from captivity

Memorable Moment: For just the third time since World Cup play began in 1930, an obscure event referred to in the FIFA rule book as a “goal” occurs, leaving players stunned and confused.

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My grandfather said he saw something like this once, before the war …

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Midfielder perplexed by appearance of non-oval number on scoreboard

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“What is happening?  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!”

Disturbing Aspect: In at least half of the countries sending teams to the tournament, on-field failure has lethal consequences.

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When it’s over, this man will be able to sleep with any woman in Nigeria …

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… while this man will be gunned down in front of his family in Rio de Janeiro

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After weeks of interrogation, North Korean confesses to botched corner kick

Burning Questions: Is the rest of the world completely insane, or is soccer just an elaborate international conspiracy to stupefy U.S. fans accustomed to watching sports that don’t suck?   Whose brilliant idea was it to create a ball-control game that prohibits players from using the two most dexterous appendages of the human body?  If, say, Ron Artest was forced to play soccer, how long would it take for his head to explode?

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Better ratings for women’s college softball on ESPN3

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No English-speaking American knows or cares who this guy is

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Player who faked 17 injuries during WC final has no trouble hoisting trophy

Overall Loathsomeness: 6.3

Mitigating Factor: As far as we know, there’s no World Cup equivalent to the Super Bowl halftime show.  That’s about it.


  1. Be glad you live in the States; here in Canada, we have one of the three main networks broadcasting the damned thing all day long.

  2. Well, to be fair, we have NASCAR -- a novel form of entertainment based on the premise that there's nothing more engaging than spending a few hours watching shiny metal objects move around in a circle at relative speeds of 3-5 mph -- which, in the places that host these events, actually may be true.

  3. "...perplexed by the appearance of a non-oval number..."

    I snorted when I read that. Luckily, I'd set my Mountain Dew down first.

    As for NASCAR, dear Editor, the other allegedly adult human who lives here watches it weekly. And on TV there's that whole replay thing, so he gets to see a car change lanes from six different angles with four different guys offering opinions as to why the driver chose that precise moment to do something.

  4. Mercifully, an auto race can't end in a draw, assuming that at least one car hasn't completely disintegrated before reaching the finish line. FIFA should take note: a few burning tires flying into the stands would greatly enhance the World Cup experience. They should park some RVs in the center circle, as well.

  5. What a 'pointless' blog! Negative and a poor reflection upon the editor.

  6. We apologize for our negativity.

  7. The "best" part of ESPN's coverage of the World Cup are the endlessly repeated slow-motion shots of MISSES. "Let's take another look, from another angle, at how not very close this was to being a goal!" And then the close-up shots of the looks of -- boredom? Ennui? Something?-- from those guys aimlessly running up and down the field. Zzzzzzz....

    (BTW, you are much more gracious to the "what a pointless blog" loser than I would have been- I tend to lash out at idiots like that.)

  8. At least they're happy in Ghana, after their soccer team blew out the USA by an entire point with a shocking two-goal offensive explosion. But we have clean drinking water and (at press time) non-worthless currency, so I'd call it a wash (if that's not too negative).

  9. Pretty much every sport around the world is all monotony. That's why we had to let snowboarding into the olympics


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