Thursday, June 3, 2010

Goldline “Portfolio”

Link 01 Link 02
Logo 01D
See the commercials here … and here.

Synopsis: In a pre-depression doubleheader featuring the kind of irritating moneyed morons you’d like to repeatedly run over with your car, an upper-class Scottsdale couple with a carefully-hidden history of alcohol abuse and domestic violence wrestles with the same difficult decision faced by so many struggling U.S. families today – where to invest their many thousands of dollars of excess disposable income – while in Fairfield, Connecticut, an annoying prick asks his rich daddy how he can retire as a multi-millionaire without the consternating inconvenience of actually contributing something of value to society.

Image 01
Participants at Tea Party rallies must bring birth certificate and dish to pass

Image 20More affection displayed between Roosevelt and Stalin at Yalta

Message: In this uncertain economy, the best thing you can do to protect your financial future is to purchase large amounts of a theft-inducing, insurance premium-hiking precious metal while its price is at a historic high, likely never to be reached again.

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“Glenn Beck says we should – and he was right about Obama being a racist.”

Image 09
“Hmmm … maybe we ought to buy some more BP stock, while we’re at it.”

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“Just don’t bury it near a sewer line – that’s asking for one heap of trouble.”

Subliminal Message: After the nation crumbles under the weight of the current administration’s crypto-socialist policies, gold will be the only form of payment accepted by the roving gangs of armed vigilantes that sweep across the former United States of America to forego ransacking your summer home and defiling your wife and teenage daughter as you watch helplessly while tied to the rear axle of your Majestic Black Mercedes S550.

Product 02
Three of these will buy you a sip of water from the Duke of Arizona’s canteen

Memorable Moment: Laura entertains a fleeting thought of stabbing her abusive, domineering husband in the chest, then chickens out and goes back to preparing her zesty garden salad.

Image 02
He’s so worked up about government spending, he’d never see it coming

Image 03
If she had a hacksaw and a bottle of bleach, she’d go through with it

Image 06
“Do I need to teach you another lesson about the croutons?  Huh?  Do I?”

Image 07
She’ll get 6 gold bars, 98 pearls, and 3 sacks of gunpowder in divorce decree

Disturbing Aspect: Goldline actually expects the despairing, out-of-work TV viewers watching its commercials during their regular weekday afternoon airtimes to relate to these whiney, wealthy douchebags and use what’s left of their savings to buy gold in an unstable market fueled by rampant speculation and irrational fear.

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“Inflation may reach 2.5% – and we’ve got that trip to Spain coming up!”

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“I just don’t know how I’m gonna keep making my boat payments, Dad.”

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“Son, I’ll be honest – your mother and I think you’re a hopeless idiot.”

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“Have you considered killing yourself?  It’s a man’s way out.”

Burning Questions: In the entire span of human history, has any guy ever said to his father, “Those are great points you’re making” ?  Did Goldline’s consumer research reveal that flighty, hysteria-prone women, not adept at conceptualizing abstract financial instruments, prefer “physical assets” that they can “see and touch” ?  Was it necessary to put the “Dramatization” notice on two of the most poorly-acted commercials of all time?

Image 11
“Just don’t gab about it with all the gals at the hair salon.”

Image 12
From the Super Friends Hall of Justice, Scott Winters monitors the situation

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Just as safe as real estate investing, and twice the fun (fun not guaranteed)

Overall Loathsomeness: 7.6

Mitigating Factor: After gold crashes, the market in purple tulips is poised to take off.


  1. You start to wonder just how stupid these people think we are after a while, don't you? It's as if they think that we're as dumb as the shills they hire for their idiotic ads.

  2. The only good investment for a bad economy is porn. From the unemployed CPA to the lazy drug-addicted welfare cheat, porn is one thing that men will spend their last $25 on to feel like a man again... plus it's a "physical asset" that you can see someone else touching.

  3. Beats trying to sleep on a mattress stuffed with gold bricks.

  4. Ah yes, the allure of Betting on Failure. Be careful to never stop to think: if the economy DOES collapse, anarchy DOES ensue, all merchants DO refuse to accept paper dollars- you still think that under these circumstances,

    1. Goldline International will happily send you the gold it allegedly has stored under your name-- by what method? The still-existing US Postal Service? The bankrupted UPS or FedEx services?

    2. You will be able to walk around with your gold in your pockets, buying whatever you want from desperate merchants, and no one will simply shoot you and take it off your hands?


  5. I think what that guy in the first commercial is really trying to do is steer the conversation toward "don't you think you and mom have lived long enough? I mean, I'm almost forty, and I've got bills to pay, and a mall would look awesome right here, and the developers are just itching to buy."

    "Assisted suicide IS an option you and mom should be discussing..."

  6. Apparently "buy low, sell high" is not a generally-accepted principle of investing in the gold market. But in our post-apocalyptic future, it will be fun to watch starving Goldline customers using their physical assets to smash open abandoned snack machines.

  7. The kitchen in the first commercial is larger than my apartment. The lawn in the second commercial is larger and better-kept than the one at the fucking White House. I'm supposed to CARE about these people?

  8. "Three of these will buy you a sip of water from the Duke of Arizona’s canteen."

    I keep saying that if "the dollar is just a footnote in history" all people will care about is food and shelter. Your gold won't mean a damned thing then, but your pumpkin seeds and milk cow will.

  9. If the woman in the first commercial learns to grow her own vegetables and isn't squeamish about cannibalizing her husband, she might survive the Gathering Darkness. If the old dad in the second commercial is lucky, he'll already have keeled over from his inability to obtain vital heart medicine before having to see his worthless son forced by the crack of a whip to pull a human-powered chariot until he succumbs to cholera and dehydration.

  10. Editor, you complete me.

  11. Meet me at Goldline headquarters when society collapses; I want to see the sales agents run for their lives before crazed mobs burn the place to the ground. Bring extra face paint and kerosene.

  12. Don't you mean to meet you at your Vivos bunker?

  13. Actually, those folks are top lawyers for big labor, who not only voted for Obama, but have insider connections and know exactly what's in store for the country.

  14. "Big Labor" is an oxymoron, Anonymous. About eight percent of the labor market is unionized.

    I am impressed by your ability to type and watch Glenn Beck at the same time, though.

  15. The remaining 92 percent of the labor market is composed of illegal immigrants seeking to destroy our way of life with drug smuggling and authentic tacos.

  16. Maybe they should've used all their supposed gold to make better quality advertisements.


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