See the commercials here … and here.
Synopsis: In a pre-depression doubleheader featuring the kind of irritating moneyed morons you’d like to repeatedly run over with your car, an upper-class Scottsdale couple with a carefully-hidden history of alcohol abuse and domestic violence wrestles with the same difficult decision faced by so many struggling U.S. families today – where to invest their many thousands of dollars of excess disposable income – while in Fairfield, Connecticut, an annoying prick asks his rich daddy how he can retire as a multi-millionaire without the consternating inconvenience of actually contributing something of value to society.
Participants at Tea Party rallies must bring birth certificate and dish to pass
More affection displayed between Roosevelt and Stalin at Yalta
Message: In this uncertain economy, the best thing you can do to protect your financial future is to purchase large amounts of a theft-inducing, insurance premium-hiking precious metal while its price is at a historic high, likely never to be reached again.
“Glenn Beck says we should – and he was right about Obama being a racist.”
“Hmmm … maybe we ought to buy some more BP stock, while we’re at it.”
“Just don’t bury it near a sewer line – that’s asking for one heap of trouble.”
Subliminal Message: After the nation crumbles under the weight of the current administration’s crypto-socialist policies, gold will be the only form of payment accepted by the roving gangs of armed vigilantes that sweep across the former United States of America to forego ransacking your summer home and defiling your wife and teenage daughter as you watch helplessly while tied to the rear axle of your Majestic Black Mercedes S550.
Three of these will buy you a sip of water from the Duke of Arizona’s canteen
Memorable Moment: Laura entertains a fleeting thought of stabbing her abusive, domineering husband in the chest, then chickens out and goes back to preparing her zesty garden salad.
He’s so worked up about government spending, he’d never see it coming
If she had a hacksaw and a bottle of bleach, she’d go through with it
“Do I need to teach you another lesson about the croutons? Huh? Do I?”
She’ll get 6 gold bars, 98 pearls, and 3 sacks of gunpowder in divorce decree
Disturbing Aspect: Goldline actually expects the despairing, out-of-work TV viewers watching its commercials during their regular weekday afternoon airtimes to relate to these whiney, wealthy douchebags and use what’s left of their savings to buy gold in an unstable market fueled by rampant speculation and irrational fear.
“Inflation may reach 2.5% – and we’ve got that trip to Spain coming up!”
“I just don’t know how I’m gonna keep making my boat payments, Dad.”
“Son, I’ll be honest – your mother and I think you’re a hopeless idiot.”
“Have you considered killing yourself? It’s a man’s way out.”
Burning Questions: In the entire span of human history, has any guy ever said to his father, “Those are great points you’re making” ? Did Goldline’s consumer research reveal that flighty, hysteria-prone women, not adept at conceptualizing abstract financial instruments, prefer “physical assets” that they can “see and touch” ? Was it necessary to put the “Dramatization” notice on two of the most poorly-acted commercials of all time?
“Just don’t gab about it with all the gals at the hair salon.”
From the Super Friends Hall of Justice, Scott Winters monitors the situation
Just as safe as real estate investing, and twice the fun (fun not guaranteed)
Overall Loathsomeness: 7.6
Mitigating Factor: After gold crashes, the market in purple tulips is poised to take off.