See the commercial here.
Synopsis: Triumphant dog owners achieve final victory in a 10,000-year evolutionary struggle to turn a once-proud wild animal into a softly panting piece of furniture.
Lycian ancestors hunted Mastodons; Rusty barks at paperboy
Angela can hardly hear herself flirt with daughter’s soccer coach
Ultrasonic waves come in choice of blue, pink, or green
Rusty drops to floor as he’s lovingly incapacitated by high-frequency sound
Communication center of brain destroyed, Rusty obediently loses will to live
Message: At last, you can realize your cherished dream of neurologically preventing that goddamned dog from drowning out the final round of American Idol.
She’d be even cuter without vocal cords
Jasper is one bark away from being introduced to much quieter pet python
Subliminal Message: Bark Off makes life almost as pleasant as not having a dog at all.
Let the power of undetectable canine micro-seizures work for you
Guess how many dog years it’s been since this man has had sex
Nerves frayed by piercing tone, Princess spontaneously urinates on rug
Memorable Moment: Shutting up the same dog brings two slightly different families closer together.
The Morgans have had it up to here with their defective, non-silent dog
Katy’s mysterious brain tumors weren’t discovered until junior high
Before Bark Off, dog wouldn’t stop yapping at hood-mounted TV camera
Now John can formulate murder-suicide plan in peace
Disturbing Aspect: While demonstrating Bark Off to her next-door neighbor, Angela unknowingly deactivates his pacemaker.
Sam briefly enjoys woman pointing something at him that isn’t can of Mace
Seconds later, Sam loses feeling in right arm as heart begins to fail
Angela walks away when barkless dog is unable to alert her to emergency
Burning Questions: Which is worse – a product that can’t possibly work the way it is advertised, or a product that, if it does work, constitutes a crime against nature? Isn’t this just going to give cats an even bigger superiority complex? When will they invent “Nag Off” to address the far more serious problem of endlessly complaining wives?
“My husband thinks he’s a guard dog – don’t even get me started on that.”
“Mr. Second Amendment didn’t have the balls to shoot him, so we tried this.”
“Now I barely know whether Rusty’s alive or dead, and that’s a great feeling.”
Overall Loathsomeness: 9.0
Mitigating Factor: The idiots who buy Bark Off will have ten bucks less to spend on extended warranties and lottery tickets.