Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bark Off “Quiet”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: Triumphant dog owners achieve final victory in a 10,000-year evolutionary struggle to turn a once-proud wild animal into a softly panting piece of furniture.

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Lycian ancestors hunted Mastodons; Rusty barks at paperboy

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Angela can hardly hear herself flirt with daughter’s soccer coach

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Ultrasonic waves come in choice of blue, pink, or green

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Rusty drops to floor as he’s lovingly incapacitated by high-frequency sound

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Communication center of brain destroyed, Rusty obediently loses will to live

Message: At last, you can realize your cherished dream of neurologically preventing that goddamned dog from drowning out the final round of American Idol.

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She’d be even cuter without vocal cords

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Jasper is one bark away from being introduced to much quieter pet python

Subliminal Message: Bark Off makes life almost as pleasant as not having a dog at all.

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Let the power of undetectable canine micro-seizures work for you

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Guess how many dog years it’s been since this man has had sex

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Nerves frayed by piercing tone, Princess spontaneously urinates on rug

Memorable Moment: Shutting up the same dog brings two slightly different families closer together.

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The Morgans have had it up to here with their defective, non-silent dog

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Katy’s mysterious brain tumors weren’t discovered until junior high

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Before Bark Off, dog wouldn’t stop yapping at hood-mounted TV camera

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Now John can formulate murder-suicide plan in peace

Disturbing Aspect: While demonstrating Bark Off to her next-door neighbor, Angela unknowingly deactivates his pacemaker.

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Sam briefly enjoys woman pointing something at him that isn’t can of Mace

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Seconds later, Sam loses feeling in right arm as heart begins to fail

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Angela walks away when barkless dog is unable to alert her to emergency

Burning Questions: Which is worse – a product that can’t possibly work the way it is advertised, or a product that, if it does work, constitutes a crime against nature?  Isn’t this just going to give cats an even bigger superiority complex?  When will they invent “Nag Off” to address the far more serious problem of endlessly complaining wives?

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“My husband thinks he’s a guard dog – don’t even get me started on that.”

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“Mr. Second Amendment didn’t have the balls to shoot him, so we tried this.”

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“Now I barely know whether Rusty’s alive or dead, and that’s a great feeling.”

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.0

Mitigating Factor: The idiots who buy Bark Off will have ten bucks less to spend on extended warranties and lottery tickets.


  1. What about babies? Isn't it time we got something to shut them up that's less work than smothering them with a pillow?

    I have four dogs. I live with their barking because its what they do, they're dogs. Just like having teen-agers means I'll never see cash again... you get used to it.

  2. Apparently none of the suffering people in this commercial considered letting their barking dog out of the house. Or getting a goldfish.

  3. Being a wife myself, I take issue with the "Nag Off" joke...but otherwise, this was pretty funny. :D

  4. When is someone going to invent a device I can point at all the assholes who insist on having loud, long, personal conversations on their f--ing cell phones right next to me? It doesn't have to silence them, just give them a little zap to remind them that they aren't in their god damned living rooms and I don't give a crap about them or the person they are talking to?

    1. There is a device you can buy in Hong Kong that jams cell phone signals. I think that would just be hilariously fun.

    2. It also disables pacemakers; but, fortunately, there isn't much overlap between the two affected groups. The only risk is to Dick Cheney, which I think is worth taking.

  5. You could sic your barkless dog on them, but it probably wouldn't do any good.

    Remember, living well is the best revenge. Also, knowing that a heightened, statistically-significant percentage of frequent cell phone users will develop EMR-induced cancer within 10 or 15 years.

  6. More to the point, when is someone going to come up with a device that neutralizes the makers of electronic junk that serves no useful purpose and doesn't work anyway? Most of the 'problem' dogs are only 'problems' because they have the misforturne to be owned by people I wouldn't trust to take care of a pet rock. Indulging the lazy and incompetent isn't exactly what I'd call moral or smart.

  7. But ... it has a 9-volt battery; it's gotta work.

  8. The key to the ripoff for all these products is the "Separate Shipping and Handling" scam. They ALWAYS offer you a "special deal"- two for the price of one, with "separate shipping and handling." The S&H charge is always 3-4 times more than it actually costs them to ship it, but no one considers this, because "two for the price of one" always sounds so attractive. So the company can send you two packages of junk for maybe $5 while it costs you $20. It won't occur to the suckers that a 6-oz package doesn't cost ten bucks to ship, or that it seems strange that the company can't ship two of them in one box. If you want your money back "minus S&H," no problem- they've already made money off of you. Even if EVERYONE sent the junk back inside the very narrow return window, they'd still make money.

    BTW, this is why other Only Available on TV products always include "free" gifts "just pay shipping and handling." It's just another way to separate the gullible from their money. And it works- a LOT.

  9. Two Bark Off ultrasonic transmitters give you twice the imaginary bark suppression capability of one, which is a bargain at any price.

  10. Sigh. I'm starting to suspect that you have retired, Mr. Editor. Say it ain't so!

  11. ... or rubbed out by ruthless Bark Off hitmen; my poor dog tried to warn me, but ...

    No -- still alive, and still cheerfully bitter. Just had to take a bit of a hiatus to attend to another project, but hope to be back in the loathsome commercial game soon. Please keep ably carrying the torch at This Commercial Sucks.

  12. Yay! Will has started up again but I'm still aiming for a dozen or so posts a month. Looking forward to seeing you back again very soon!

  13. I obsessively check every other day.

    But I have no room to talk for my blogs have been neglected as well. (and mine are nowhere near as entertaining as yours).

  14. I'm eagerly looking forward to the new "Americans Against Food Taxes" post that is very likely to be posted if there's an update. :)


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