Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lexus “December”

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See the commercials here, here, and here.

Synopsis: Rich, materialistic idiots with a dash of non-threatening diversity favoring homes designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and well-tended topiary celebrate the extension of the Bush tax cuts by spending the equivalent of the average middle-class salary on ostentatious luxury cars to offer as creatively-revealed Christmas gifts to their mildly surprised spouses.

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When not in use, Mom and Tiffany are stored in their display case

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Tough economy means fewer Waterford crystal ornaments on tree

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Claire gets unsettling feeling that soul is rotting, waits for Paxil to kick in

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A splash of Christmas cheer brightens built-in crematorium

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James quiets magic reindeer before parents send him back to see Dr. Klein

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Dad will create jobs right after he staples humungous stocking to house

Message: People with picture-perfect lives deserve a car that perfectly reflects their clueless, superficial existence.

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They’re getting this home how again?

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It’s extra fun because other people have no money for Christmas at all!

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Associate recently stripped of health benefits needs more holiday spirit

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Nothing honors birth of Jesus like hyper-indulgent present in driveway

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If she got me another Beemer, I swear to God, I’m exchanging it …

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Discarded box sections later used as festive homeless shelters

Subliminal Message: Now you don’t have to feel guilty about sleeping with your massage therapist.

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Next year middle tag will read, “Dad’s Special Friend Stephanie.”

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Paul carefully positions family so neighbors can see how happy they are

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Too bad there’s not a giant foot in there to kick that guy’s ass

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Looks great next to nonsensical hardwood garage door

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“I can’t believe you bought it … and in almost the color I asked for!”

Memorable Moment: A 110-pound wife is able to get a 2-ton sedan down a 5 x 15-foot wide chimney and into her in-home auto showroom without waking her husband or leaving tire marks on her polished white floors.

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The key is to lift with your legs, not your back

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There’s even enough room for a short test drive

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Mike suddenly realizes that Tassimo Brewbot for Jen isn’t gonna cut it

Disturbing Aspect: These commercials represent someone’s sense of where our country is at right now.

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To avoid holiday crowds, family shops in Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City

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Enterprising couple scooped up cozy three-bedroom museum in foreclosure

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Perhaps literally the whitest black man in America

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Don’t worry – Frederica will clean that up

Burning Questions: Do Jewish people ever buy Lexuses?  Does an enormous roll of wrapping paper really require a gigantic tape dispenser and pair of scissors, as well?  Has any other advertising campaign in history been more out of touch with the real lives of regular, non-dickhead Americans?

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If she runs with those, she could take out entire Russian Army

Overall Loathsomeness: 10.0

Mitigating Factor: By definition, none … but, if there’s a God in heaven, someday everyone who regards obscenely-priced cars as stocking stuffers will get what’s coming to them.

20 comments:

  1. The boxes for me under the tree are big, but not THAT big. ;)

    It is amazing how out-of-touch this company is; whoever came up with that "no one ever wished for a smaller holiday gift" theme should lose their job.

    I think I'll stick with wishing for world peace for Christmas.

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    1. I agree, I just want to be with my family for this Christmas, I got in a physical fight with my Dad and hurt him bad. :( I feel like shit over it and hope that he's forgiven me by Christmas.

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  2. Thank you for posting this, as one of those associates stripped of their health insurance this is the only thing bringing me that warm Christmas feeling. Am I allowed to say fuck these people? I think that puts a giant novelty bow on this commercial.

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  3. You're allowed to say it here, my friend.

    On December 26, these happy new car owners will be disappointed to learn that Section 7(e)(4) of the Lexus warranty specifically excludes "paint damage caused by adhesives used to attach holiday-themed decorations to the roof of the vehicle, including, but not limited to, giant bows."

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  4. Overall loathsomeness score is right on the moeny...and If I am correct, a first score of 10 here?

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  5. Right you are -- the new standard.

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  6. How can I face my family with the pathetic trinkets I got for them?

    My poor spouse and offspring!

    Not only is my gift-giving in question, why don't I live in a nicer house?

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  7. Lexus would pity you, if it was aware that you exist.

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  8. The second commercial (the car in the house) is for a LEASING deal. Which means that at some point before Christmas comes to an end, that woman is going to casually mention that, "by the way," the "gift" she's giving costs $349 per month ($3500 due at lease signing) and needs to be returned to the dealer with less than 36,000 miles on it. Unless he wants to keep it- but these people don't look like they care about driving cars once the showroom smell wears off.

    So basically his present is a car she's going to spend $16,000 to rent for him over the next three years. O Joy.

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  9. Yeah, but he'll own the giant bow free and clear.

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  10. It occurs to me that there's a much better ending to these ads: the associate without a health care plan leading a pitchfork-wielding mob to these people's houses to string them up from the rafters.

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  11. Where's a good pitchfork-wielding mob when you need one?

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  12. You can still buy build-your-own guillotine kits. Just saying; nobody would miss these jackanapes.

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  13. I do not know how it is possible to fall in love with a blog but I have.
    Now marry mine and lets have blog flipper babies together and live happily ever after! ❤

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  14. They're baaaaack!!! You've had a year to save up that $700 monthly payment. Well one of them at least. Fifty-nine to go. Plus the cost of the bow.

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  15. 200 years from now, when Chinese historians try to pinpoint the precise moment when the United States reached the tipping point of socio-economic collapse, they will point to the debut of these TV commercials, and lead disbelieving schoolchildren to museums where the giant Lexus bows will be on display as the ultimate symbol of a once-great nation of people who collectively lost their minds.

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  16. Thank you for putting this out there! I needed a laugh before I leave for work. These commercials have made me want to throw thing at the TV for a while now. Do they honestly think that this will inspire those of us trying to find spare change for gas to splurge on a car?!?!? Must be the drugs they are taking.

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    Replies
    1. Merry Christmas. This year's batch of "December to Remember" ads take it up a notch -- we may have to do one of those. So much loathsomeness, so little time ...

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  17. I would imagine that the hyper-indulgent asshats that would gift a Lexus weren't convinced to do so by a shitty commercial (spot on with the 10.0 rating). These ads get worse and worse year after year. You should gift "the Planet" with a review of one from the upcoming 2014 batch!

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