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Monday, December 13, 2010

TLC “Saralaska”

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See the commercial here.

Synopsis: A half-term ex-governor / mamma grizzly bear / spunky angel of the Apocalypse takes America on an eight-week adventure in the beloved sub-Arctic wasteland she calls home to help a struggling basic cable network attract the coveted viewing demographic of 34-to-49-year-old white female born-again snow machine enthusiasts in exchange for a moose head full of money.

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Just another thousand feet to Noah’s Ark

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Melted glacier more fun than frozen kind – take THAT, Al Gore!

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Experience the peaceful, serene beauty of unspoiled wilderness

Message: Nothing brings families closer together like tramping through the Alaskan tundra in search of hidden natural wonders God desires us to destroy.

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Not pictured: Russia

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Palins check the grilled eagle as special guest Don Rickles watches hungrily

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Soon little Piper will be old enough to fight socialism, too

Subliminal Message: Mommy needs a new trophy rack.

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You haven’t really shot caribou until you’ve shot one from a seaplane

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When they arrive at camp, they’ll eat slowest dog as warning to others

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Later, at dusk, retaliatory strike launched against Lisa Murkowski

Memorable Moment: Sarah intervenes to prevent another daughter from being blessed with an unplanned little miracle.

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Thwarted boyfriend left with blue balls

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Dejected, Willow goes back to posting homophobic slurs on Facebook

Disturbing Aspect: Sarah asks, “How come we can’t ever just be satisfied with tranquility?” while observing two angry bears spooked by the TLC production truck battle to the death.

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You’ll never hear about this in the lamestream media

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The loser gets to be the Palins’ new toilet seat cover

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Neiman Marcus camouflage-print pants make Sarah invisible to predators

Burning Questions:  How many people from states that matter actually “dream about” freezing their asses off on some barren, ice-encrusted slab of rock in the middle of nowhere?  Does putting family first include inviting a camera crew to follow your spouse and children everywhere they go?   Can you name all twenty-two decapitated members of the animal kingdom mounted on the Palins’ walls?

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Brought to you by ExxonMobil

Overall Loathsomeness: 9.2

Mitigating Factor: “Joe Biden’s Delaware” never got beyond the planning stage.

9 comments:

  1. I grew up in Alaska.

    I am not a fan of her.

    I hope someday, America can forget her and realize that Alaska is a beautiful place and they should visit.

    And lastly, this was a fantastic post. I want to profess my undying love for you, but I'm worried you'll just think its the Vicodin talking.

    By the way, from the clips I've seen (I can't stomach to watch an entire episode, there isn't enough Vicodin in the pharmacy for that!), she's very obviously never done the things she's doing on this show (or she hasn't done them in a very long time).

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  2. Undoubtedly Alaska would be more beautiful without the Palins; but non-nutty people and countless other furry mammals in the Lower 48 desperately hope they never leave. Alaska's taking one for the team.

    Here at Pointless Planet, professions of undying love are always appreciated, as are the mystical, Sarah-cleansing powers of V.

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  3. Too bad we didn't save the receipt.

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  4. What really got to me was that they parachuted Kate Gosselin in to ad some zip to the proceedings. Just what the world needs: TWO zitbrained megadoses of ignorance and hate racing around.

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  5. Apparently Kate didn't take well to the moosemeat hotdogs, freakishly-large mosquitos, and perpetual, bone-chilling rain. I wonder if Jon was watching from whatever seedy Vegas strip club he happened to be evading child support in.

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  6. You Should Be Ashamed! The Palins DO NOT eat eagles or slow dogs! Sarah Palin NEVER SAID she could see Russia from her house! TINA FEY said Palin could see Russia from her house. (you can't see Russia from Juneau By the way)

    IDIOT!

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  7. Hahah Yeah, the Planet is an "IDIOT" for continuing what was an obvious joke. Of course, Palin is not an idiot for claiming that because of the geographical fact that you can see parts of Russia from a small island in Alaska she has special foreign policy kung fu. If we really wanted to deride her, it would be better to point to the rest of the interview where she gets herself tangled into an easily avoidable knot where she essentially advocates for war against Russia. The "see Russia" comment, regardless of where she has to stand, reveals the thought process of a simpleton. She is a blithering idiot.

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  8. Thank you, Alison. Such is life in Sarah Palin's tragicomic universe. We've theorized that "Anonymous" must be Delaware's own Palin, Christine O'Donnell, but there's no way of knowing for sure.

    To prevent further consternation, perhaps we should also clarify that the references to Palin eating bald eagles and underperforming sled dogs were meant to be jokes, as well. But we stand by our solid reporting on the bearskin toilet seat cover.

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