API “Energy Tomorrow”

  

Synopsis: On behalf of the decent, caring folks at the American Petroleum Institute, bit-part soap opera actress / blonde-haired angel of death Brooke Alexander makes the case for sustained, pre-apocalyptic environmental devastation so that the nation’s struggling oil and natural gas companies can continue to provide enough energy to keep mission-critical SUVs, hot tubs, and laser light shows operating for at least another year, until all that bad 2012 shit starts going down.

 
Haunting specter of Brooke Alexander walks across future barren wasteland of continental United States

 
From straight-on, she looks like a human oil slick

 
“Who can say which of these energy-producing technologies has killed more metric tons of fish?”

 
Canadians strenuously objected to erection of humungous sign across six provinces, but no one listened

 
Newly-redesigned oil wells shaped like letters of alphabet also help solve our education problem

 And 260 million dead birds

 
Global warming has made Earth too hot to touch

 
Uh … maybe they should’ve used a different illustration

 
Are you there God?  It’s me, ExxonMobil.

 
All 41 everyday Americans who love big oil companies pose for group photo in broken petri dish

 
Lifelike recreations of once-unspoiled countryside can now be purchased directly from API’s website

 
“For evil, I’m Brooke Alexander.”

 
To maintain geologic stability, after oil is pumped out, spokespeople are pumped in

Brooke looks at ease in giant urine specimen container that will be her tomb

 
The Nazis created a lot of jobs, too

  
This commercial has 20% new BS

 
“So we’re destroying farmland at a time of soaring food prices – suck it.”

 
Occasionally, well strikes underground vein of amphetamines

 
Last stop: Gates of Hell

Brooke subtly flashes secret two-finger demonic cult sign as signal to fellow agents of Satan

Clockwise from upper left: wealthy homeowner accuses maid of stealing misplaced ten dollar letter-opener; corporate executive apologizes to female associate for commenting on size of her chest during project meeting; elderly woman ignored by children wonders if she has any reason to go on living; exasperated mother contemplates quieting baby with shot of Jim Beam – all thanks to steady supply of domestically-produced oil and natural gas

 
Ad by cyborgs of America’s oil and natural gas industry didn’t test as well

Loathsomeness: 9.6