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Saturday, June 25, 2011

NOM “Consequences”

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Synopsis: Concerned Christians at the esteemed National Organization for Marriage make an urgent but ultimately doomed appeal to African-Americans who lack any sense of historical irony to fight legalization of same-sex marriage in New York in order to prevent innocent, impressionable children from being brainwashed into believing the dangerous notion that gay people who love their partners and want to publicly affirm and legitimize their relationships aren’t morally-inferior second-class citizens deserving of government-sanctioned discrimination.

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Beats “no sex marriage”

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Just a few decades ago, Religious Right would’ve fought to keep these two girls from riding the same bus

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In states that allow same-sex marriage, kids get beat up for not being gay

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Mrs. Andrews shows her students how simple arithmetic proves that Ellen DeGeneres is going to hell

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Without confusing distraction of legalized same-sex marriage, New York schoolchildren of any race or gender can continue to focus on dramatically underperforming their future bosses in China

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If same-sex marriage bill passes, Lisa could be forced to grow up in some kind of freaky gay monarchy

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Sources close to Lesbian Teacher say she also goes by the name “Carol”

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Afterward, first graders crashed reception, ran up $500 tab at cash bar

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Parents’ worst fears realized when six-year-old son came home from field trip and declared that when he grows up, he wants to be a lesbian

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If anyone knows how to protect children from inappropriate adult behavior, it’s the Catholic Church

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The Bible could not be more clear – marriage is a sacred bond between one man and one woman.  Also, if a threatening, lustful mob shows up at your door seeking to cart off visiting angels you’ve invited for dinner, as a matter of good hospitality, it is perfectly acceptable to offer up your young virgin daughters as a sexual alternative.

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Gay newlyweds would have purchased more tasteful frames

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Proud heterosexuals Kelly Jones, a twice-divorced alcoholic, and Brad Wertz, an abusive ex-con with a pregnant girlfriend in Seattle, smile on their church-approved wedding day

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“Once we realized how strongly we felt about each other, we couldn’t wait to get opposite-sex married under a discriminatory state statute that bars other loving couples from obtaining the same rights we have!”

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Oops – too late.  Let the fall of civilization begin.

Loathsomeness: 9.7

14 comments:

  1. The problem, as I see it, is that they don't seem to realize that gays getting married isn't going to do much of anything. If nothing much happens as a result of all of this (and it won't), then once again they look like chumps. They'd do anything to not be ignored.

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  2. Two days gone by, and still no sign of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on the NYS Thruway.

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  3. Wait, I think I see a horseman!

    Nope, sorry--it was just a horse's ass.

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  4. "The Bible could not be more clear – marriage is a sacred bond between one man and one woman. Also, if a threatening, lustful mob shows up at your door seeking to cart off visiting angels you’ve invited for dinner, as a matter of good hospitality, it is perfectly acceptable to offer up your young virgin daughters as a sexual alternative."

    As a Christian, I will tell you that what Lot did was NOT biblically acceptable. The Bible said he did so, that's all. Lot made several mistakes in fact.

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    1. I always found it strange that so many Christians get so worked up over LGBT rights because of the supposed "sacred bond" that is marriage yet so few of them seem to care at all about divorce given that the Bible is much more clear on that issue (and given Jesus said nil about homosexual marriage... correct me if I'm wrong on that).

      Stray observation: the Bible was written by a bunch of dudes. Nothing divine about that.

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    2. As long as someone's going to hell, I'm fine with it either way.

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  5. Ah. So, if I understand this absurd Middle Eastern fable correctly, Lot's offering his daughters to the mob for sexual assault in order to protect his angelic houseguests was WRONG (even though the angels, who presumably could fend for themselves, never objected); and yet, despite this horrifyingly misguided gesture, of which He most certainly did NOT approve, God decided that Lot, out of all other men, was worthy of being spared from His vindictive destruction of the city.

    Now that we've got that all straightened out, where exactly does the Bible say, "Thou shalt not permit thy state government to authorize issuance of marriage licenses to two persons of the same sex" ?

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    1. NO, you're all confused. The Bible is trying to say that you can only marry the opposite sex b/c they are also rape-worthy. Since you are barred from raping the same sex, therefore you cannot marry them either. This is all from the MAN"S viewpoint, of course, since women's view of things doesn't matter. Are you finally clear on the issue? NO RAPE, NO MARRIAGE!

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  6. The "OnKneesForJesus" caption really brings the whole thing together.

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  7. Yes; we had that same thought.

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  8. Um, for your information, many African Americans don't agree with gay-marriage. They share the same values as other Christians that originate in the Bible. And comparing African Americans to gays is trite, tired, and offensive.

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  9. Hello, it's Lot expert again. God saved Lot for the sake of hisclosest follower, Abraham, who was Lot's uncle. Abraham repeatedly begged God to spare Sodom. God could not even fnd 10 righteous men in the city.
    As to why Homosexual marriage s wrong, it isn't. Homosexuality is wrong. Legal marrige of the sort we have today was nonexsistant in Abraham's day.

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  10. Sorry for the long-delayed response, anonymoni. I was recalled by Satan for further instructions, but now I'm back and ready to party.

    Anonymous No. 1: Um, yes, I realize that many African-Americans don't agree with gay marriage. Or with gays, for that matter. Indeed, it's pretty clear that this ad was a blatant attempt to tap into those ironic and unfortunate prejudices. The comparison between the two types of discrimination is apt because, contrary to conservative Christian ideology, both involve arbitrarily discriminating against someone based on an essential aspect of who they are. If anti-gay African-Americans are offended by that, perhaps they should choose not to be black, and then they can avoid those uncomfortable parallels altogether.

    Anonymous No. 2: Seriously, man -- you realize that Bible story is fiction, right? But if you're really that big on following the Old Testament, and you recognize that government-sanctioned civil marriage of any kind did not exist in those ancient times, then let's agree to adopt the Ron Paul solution, end all civil marriage in the U.S., and let people enter into whatever unions they want, in a private religious or secular ceremony of their choosing, and take the government out of it completely.

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