Monday, June 13, 2011

Verizon “Rocket Test”

Link 01A Logo 02A

Synopsis: In a heroic attempt to convert factual information about the speed of a wireless network into a simple image that their shrunken, video game-and-Mountain Dew-addled monkey brains can understand, six excitable morons take over a military airstrip to see whether they can download random media content before a fake rocket reaches a free-standing target positioned a completely arbitrary distance away.

Image 01 
Head idiot at rocket command center with emergency skateboard close by

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Two other doofuses at launch site pretend to do something important

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By the time they figured out that “Johnny” was a spy, he’d already smuggled key missile technology back to North Korea

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900 feet is significant for some reason

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Sure, we’ve all had the urge to blow up Verizon products at one time or another, but who among us has ever followed through on it?

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Kirk gets ready next to piles of discarded computer hardware en route to salvage beach in India

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Dateless techno-losers with sexually-substituting mobile devices?  Check.

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Additional unemployed dorks destined to die of radon poisoning in parents’ basements?  Check.

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Rocket somehow hovering in mid-air prior to ignition?  Check.

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“Go hot” is nerdspeak for “Please add some hint of meaning to the yawning, directionless void that is my life.”

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Disregarding Newtonian physics, rocket travels in perfectly straight line parallel to ground, unaffected by gravity

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One-tenth of a second before the most inconsequential event ever produced by human beings

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This and release of “Transformers 3” will be high points of their fleeting existence on Planet Earth

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Team wisely placed observation stand in blast zone

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Rocket bounces off self-exploding target

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“This must be how Allan Einstein felt when he discovered electricity!”

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Kirk eagerly awaits test results while holding WWII-era fire extinguisher

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“Solitaire” was appropriate game choice for Carl

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Jill is mentally incapable of reading “Gulliver’s Travels” or any other book unless it’s condensed into a Tweet

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Robert proudly displays stock photo of people who have actual lives

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“I’ll cherish this 819 KB picture of an anonymous German family forever.”

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The only thing that could be more awesome than this is anything else

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Apparently “Rule the Air” means “Download time-wasting crap a little faster than you could before.”

Loathsomeness: 8.8


  1. Seriously, I would take internet service that is a little slower than a rocket if it were you know reliable, but I guess there's no EXTREME!!! way to express reliability.

  2. Maybe Verizon could put these idiots on an iceberg with only their cell phones and that rad skateboard, then see whether they can get a call through for help before they die of exposure and starvation.

  3. Every time I see this I keep hoping that the rocket will veer to the right. Of course, it never happens, but I can dream.

  4. Hmmmmmm..... Me caring about this service or wanting to purchase it based on this ad? I guess we can call that myth busted.

  5. After their wireless downloading experiments have concluded, maybe the Verizon team should search for the elusive “Higgs Boson.”

  6. Actually, rockets can fly in a straight line. They have wings on them like planes do.

    Hovering in mid-air... not so much.

  7. Not that it matters, but you'll notice that Verizon's fake rocket has only tail fins -- no wings. If it were real, it would have to fly in a parabolic trajectory to reach its target.

    Maybe next time they could use a curved wire.

  8. If this group REALLY worked for Verizon, they would be on par with the scientists of the Manhattan Project. Trust me.

    1. I doubt this crew even knows what the Manhattan Project was. For them it probably would mean some kind of scheme to get wasted in New York.

  9. I know right Editor? Why is everyone so dumb nowadays? My IQ is nice, just at around 120, so I can learn some advanced stuff but not master it, but come on. There's almost no one who I meet who even knows their own IQ score. Now, I know IQ isn't the end-all and be-all of someone but ... it's a strong indication. As is the music they listen to and the kinds of movies etc. they like.

    1. Kids today ... or, I should say, kids three years ago.


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