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Monday, June 13, 2011

Verizon “Rocket Test”

Link 01A Logo 02A

Synopsis: In a heroic attempt to convert factual information about the speed of a wireless network into a simple image that their shrunken, video game-and-Mountain Dew-addled monkey brains can understand, six excitable morons take over a military airstrip to see whether they can download random media content before a fake rocket reaches a free-standing target positioned a completely arbitrary distance away.

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Head idiot at rocket command center with emergency skateboard close by

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Two other doofuses at launch site pretend to do something important

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By the time they figured out that “Johnny” was a spy, he’d already smuggled key missile technology back to North Korea

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900 feet is significant for some reason

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Sure, we’ve all had the urge to blow up Verizon products at one time or another, but who among us has ever followed through on it?

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Kirk gets ready next to piles of discarded computer hardware en route to salvage beach in India

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Dateless techno-losers with sexually-substituting mobile devices?  Check.

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Additional unemployed dorks destined to die of radon poisoning in parents’ basements?  Check.

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Rocket somehow hovering in mid-air prior to ignition?  Check.

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“Go hot” is nerdspeak for “Please add some hint of meaning to the yawning, directionless void that is my life.”

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Disregarding Newtonian physics, rocket travels in perfectly straight line parallel to ground, unaffected by gravity

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One-tenth of a second before the most inconsequential event ever produced by human beings

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This and release of “Transformers 3” will be high points of their fleeting existence on Planet Earth

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Team wisely placed observation stand in blast zone

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Rocket bounces off self-exploding target

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“This must be how Allan Einstein felt when he discovered electricity!”

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Kirk eagerly awaits test results while holding WWII-era fire extinguisher

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“Solitaire” was appropriate game choice for Carl

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Jill is mentally incapable of reading “Gulliver’s Travels” or any other book unless it’s condensed into a Tweet

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Robert proudly displays stock photo of people who have actual lives

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“I’ll cherish this 819 KB picture of an anonymous German family forever.”

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The only thing that could be more awesome than this is anything else

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Apparently “Rule the Air” means “Download time-wasting crap a little faster than you could before.”

Loathsomeness: 8.8

11 comments:

  1. Seriously, I would take internet service that is a little slower than a rocket if it were you know reliable, but I guess there's no EXTREME!!! way to express reliability.

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  2. Maybe Verizon could put these idiots on an iceberg with only their cell phones and that rad skateboard, then see whether they can get a call through for help before they die of exposure and starvation.

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  3. Every time I see this I keep hoping that the rocket will veer to the right. Of course, it never happens, but I can dream.

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  4. Hmmmmmm..... Me caring about this service or wanting to purchase it based on this ad? I guess we can call that myth busted.

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  5. After their wireless downloading experiments have concluded, maybe the Verizon team should search for the elusive “Higgs Boson.”

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  6. Actually, rockets can fly in a straight line. They have wings on them like planes do.

    Hovering in mid-air... not so much.

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  7. Not that it matters, but you'll notice that Verizon's fake rocket has only tail fins -- no wings. If it were real, it would have to fly in a parabolic trajectory to reach its target.

    Maybe next time they could use a curved wire.

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  8. If this group REALLY worked for Verizon, they would be on par with the scientists of the Manhattan Project. Trust me.

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    Replies
    1. I doubt this crew even knows what the Manhattan Project was. For them it probably would mean some kind of scheme to get wasted in New York.

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  9. I know right Editor? Why is everyone so dumb nowadays? My IQ is nice, just at around 120, so I can learn some advanced stuff but not master it, but come on. There's almost no one who I meet who even knows their own IQ score. Now, I know IQ isn't the end-all and be-all of someone but ... it's a strong indication. As is the music they listen to and the kinds of movies etc. they like.

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    Replies
    1. Kids today ... or, I should say, kids three years ago.

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