Synopsis: Hot Christian singles disillusioned with the heathen dating scene stop waiting for the Lord to provide model-caliber spiritual partners and turn to the Internet in their quest to find love and sexually-charged Bible study with fellow social misfits.
Before: Tom feels alone in a world that was created in six days
After: Look who’s got a date for the Rapture!
Please don’t let him be a Unitarian …
Finally, someone will get Gary’s Methuselah jokes
If you really want to delight yourself, there are better websites for that
Contrary to popular misconception, nothing in Deuteronomy forbids wearing designer sunglasses on the Sabbath
Melanie wants potential matches to know that abiding faith and spiritual maturity are just some of her assets
“Polaroids-only” policy sets Christian Mingle apart from other dating sites that allow godless digital photos
3 million people who believe cavemen lived with dinosaurs can’t be wrong
Discerning member selects woman with strong values and unbuttoned blouse
If the International House of Prayer is anything like the International House of Pancakes, I’m sold!
Response to “Build” question is obvious red flag
Personally, I’d go with the bubbles.
He tried to enter “Man seeking Man,” but all he got was an error message
Staying one step ahead of trolling atheist interlopers, woman previously identified as “Jenners13” changed name to less inviting “myportion4ever” and moved from Cleveland to Toronto
Incredibly, “AllmyhopeisinHim” was chosen over “mountaintops”
And so begins a shared lifetime of lost Sundays and judging other people
Still unsettled, “myportion4ever” (f/k/a “Jenners13”) moves from Toronto to California and joins Abundant Grace Ministry
Not pictured: Jesus
Abortion clinic protest? Koran burning? Kirk Cameron movie?
I guess just asking Him is out …
FREE Basket of Loaves and Fishes
99.6% of members answered “white”
Lauren’s match was the Holy Ghost, which, frankly, turned out to be a bit of a disappointment
“All my past relationships were based on nothing but wild, non-stop sex.”
“That’s why it’s such a relief to be with someone who I’m not physically attracted to at all!”
While reciting Isaiah 43:2, Manuel’s head suddenly bursts into flame, embarrassing Julie on their first date
Discovered “Jackqueline” used to be a guy on May 30th 2010, at 12:35 AM
This is as close as Janet is ever going to get to stem cells
Happy couple enjoys festive plant whose species has remained unchanged for all 6,000 years of Earth’s existence
Elizabeth’s smile abruptly disappeared when she learned of Harold’s plan to spend life savings on construction of giant ark
Because it’ll take divine intervention for you to get laid
Loathsomeness: 6.6
Posts
Although not terribly loathsome, this has got to be one of the most hilarious Planet offerings yet! Fave lines are too numerous to mention, but "Not pictured: Jesus" was an especially nice touch. ;)
ReplyDeleteHe was probably busy at one of the other couples' wedding turning water into wine.
ReplyDeleteAlso not pictured: Catholics. That's because nobody involved with this site wants the Pope all up in their grill bossing them around.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's no search option for "Priest seeking Boy."
ReplyDelete"Please don't let him be a Unitarian" Lol
ReplyDeleteAlso love Melanie and some of her "assets"
God helps those who help themselves.
ReplyDeleteThe best line in these ads, IMO, is this one. Not sure it's in the longer ad copy posted here, but it's in the 30-sec slot that runs in LA:
ReplyDelete"Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move when God is saying 'It's your time to act. The next move is yours.'"
So, clearly, Christian Mingle has talked to God about your dating life! Awesome.
Frankly, the less God knows about my dating life, the better, if you know what I mean. Regardless, it's hard to imagine the God of Abraham and Moses saying, "The next move is yours." Sounds more like Isaac from "The Love Boat."
ReplyDeleteThis was so funny! Very good. The Christian Mingle commercials are just obnoxious. Every time one comes on now, I'll think of this.
ReplyDeleteeveryone knows a woman who is a 'christian' will never fuck you unless first you clarify how you love Jesus. Then its all good! Almost like 420 only this is free and it doesnt make you cough..
ReplyDeleteDonna: Thank you! Just try not to think about how we're both going to hell ...
ReplyDelete... where, undoubtedly, we'll meet "Anonymous."
I must've laughed for ten minutes after reading 'Lesbian Teacher' also goes by the name 'Carol'! I'm just taken aback that, in 2011, we are still labelled as 'Crazy Gay Person' or 'Same Sex Marriage radicals' or 'Man who has sex with men'...uh...we do have names, and friends, and WOW - even parents and family who love us and actually want to be seen in public with us! I'm glad someone else thought the same thing I did (I remember seeing that story in the San Fran paper last year)...
ReplyDeleteI assume you're referring to NOM's delightful "Consequences" ad (two posts before this one).
ReplyDeleteJust don't tell Michele Bachmann; she still thinks her husband can cure you.