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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Christian Mingle “Journey”

Link 01A Logo 01

Synopsis: Hot Christian singles disillusioned with the heathen dating scene stop waiting for the Lord to provide model-caliber spiritual partners and turn to the Internet in their quest to find love and sexually-charged Bible study with fellow social misfits.

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Before: Tom feels alone in a world that was created in six days

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After: Look who’s got a date for the Rapture!

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Please don’t let him be a Unitarian …

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Finally, someone will get Gary’s Methuselah jokes

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If you really want to delight yourself, there are better websites for that

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Contrary to popular misconception, nothing in Deuteronomy forbids wearing designer sunglasses on the Sabbath

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Melanie wants potential matches to know that abiding faith and spiritual maturity are just some of her assets

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“Polaroids-only” policy sets Christian Mingle apart from other dating sites that allow godless digital photos

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3 million people who believe cavemen lived with dinosaurs can’t be wrong

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Discerning member selects woman with strong values and unbuttoned blouse

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If the International House of Prayer is anything like the International House of Pancakes, I’m sold!

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Response to “Build” question is obvious red flag

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Personally, I’d go with the bubbles.

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He tried to enter “Man seeking Man,” but all he got was an error message

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Staying one step ahead of trolling atheist interlopers, woman previously identified as “Jenners13” changed name to less inviting “myportion4ever” and moved from Cleveland to Toronto

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Incredibly, “AllmyhopeisinHim” was chosen over “mountaintops”

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And so begins a shared lifetime of lost Sundays and judging other people

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Still unsettled, “myportion4ever” (f/k/a “Jenners13”) moves from Toronto to California and joins Abundant Grace Ministry

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Not pictured: Jesus

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Abortion clinic protest?  Koran burning?  Kirk Cameron movie?

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I guess just asking Him is out …

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FREE Basket of Loaves and Fishes

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99.6% of members answered “white”

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Lauren’s match was the Holy Ghost, which, frankly, turned out to be a bit of a disappointment

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“All my past relationships were based on nothing but wild, non-stop sex.”

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“That’s why it’s such a relief to be with someone who I’m not physically attracted to at all!”

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While reciting Isaiah 43:2, Manuel’s head suddenly bursts into flame, embarrassing Julie on their first date

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Discovered “Jackqueline” used to be a guy on May 30th 2010, at 12:35 AM

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This is as close as Janet is ever going to get to stem cells

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Happy couple enjoys festive plant whose species has remained unchanged for all 6,000 years of Earth’s existence

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Elizabeth’s smile abruptly disappeared when she learned of Harold’s plan to spend life savings on construction of giant ark

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Because it’ll take divine intervention for you to get laid

Loathsomeness: 6.6

27 comments:

  1. Although not terribly loathsome, this has got to be one of the most hilarious Planet offerings yet! Fave lines are too numerous to mention, but "Not pictured: Jesus" was an especially nice touch. ;)

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  2. He was probably busy at one of the other couples' wedding turning water into wine.

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  3. Also not pictured: Catholics. That's because nobody involved with this site wants the Pope all up in their grill bossing them around.

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  4. And there's no search option for "Priest seeking Boy."

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  5. "Please don't let him be a Unitarian" Lol
    Also love Melanie and some of her "assets"

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  6. God helps those who help themselves.

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  7. The best line in these ads, IMO, is this one. Not sure it's in the longer ad copy posted here, but it's in the 30-sec slot that runs in LA:

    "Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move when God is saying 'It's your time to act. The next move is yours.'"

    So, clearly, Christian Mingle has talked to God about your dating life! Awesome.

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  8. Frankly, the less God knows about my dating life, the better, if you know what I mean. Regardless, it's hard to imagine the God of Abraham and Moses saying, "The next move is yours." Sounds more like Isaac from "The Love Boat."

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  9. This was so funny! Very good. The Christian Mingle commercials are just obnoxious. Every time one comes on now, I'll think of this.

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  10. everyone knows a woman who is a 'christian' will never fuck you unless first you clarify how you love Jesus. Then its all good! Almost like 420 only this is free and it doesnt make you cough..

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  11. Donna: Thank you! Just try not to think about how we're both going to hell ...

    ... where, undoubtedly, we'll meet "Anonymous."

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  12. I must've laughed for ten minutes after reading 'Lesbian Teacher' also goes by the name 'Carol'! I'm just taken aback that, in 2011, we are still labelled as 'Crazy Gay Person' or 'Same Sex Marriage radicals' or 'Man who has sex with men'...uh...we do have names, and friends, and WOW - even parents and family who love us and actually want to be seen in public with us! I'm glad someone else thought the same thing I did (I remember seeing that story in the San Fran paper last year)...

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  13. I assume you're referring to NOM's delightful "Consequences" ad (two posts before this one).

    Just don't tell Michele Bachmann; she still thinks her husband can cure you.

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  14. All you people who hate Christianity ,the Bible, and Jesus, I have a big fat message for you!!! You all can just go straight to hell okay ? I could care less what you say , but leave us alone!!!!
    I for one will not tolarate any people's degenerate actions. so this goes out to the piece of trash who put this on the internet; I hope you go to straight to hell!!!!! Anyone with the level of mocking such as this goes beyond s common sinner; you are most likely a Satanist; Therefore I hope you die.

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    Replies
    1. So Christ-like ... I feel as if I'm listening to the Prince of Peace Himself.

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    2. This "common sinner" is gonna keep up his life of incessant debauchery and continue to roll the dice on the assumption that hell is a made up control tool invented to keep the masses in line though it's equally plausible that it's the final destination for extramarital thumpers like Anonymous 12/26.

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    3. How's that "incessant debauchery" going? Only sporadic debauchery over here -- I feel like I'm missing out ...

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    4. And a year and a half later I'm wondering how that 'turning the other cheek' lesson from your imaginary friend went for you

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    5. Now I'm confused ... he's not my imaginary friend, if you're talking to me. I've been told above, I'm most likely a Satanist. Although if that were the case, you'd think I'd be having more fun.

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  15. Written a day after Christmas, no less.

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  16. Hysterical!
    Kudos up the wang.

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    Replies
    1. That actually sounds kind of painful.

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  17. if I could rate YOUR evaluation of this ad, i'd give it a 9.3!

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  18. You sods. That was a perfectly good cup of tea. And kybard.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry ... although that's kind of the response we're going for.

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