Saturday, July 2, 2011

Pepsi “Field of Dreams”

Link 01A Logo 01A 

Synopsis: Bloated $24 million-a-year NY Yankee pitcher CC Sabathia unexpectedly finds himself in the middle of a cornfield with a group of bantering baseball greats – plus Tampa Bay’s Evan Longoria, for some reason – where he enjoys a gut-rotting zero-calorie Pepsi Max from a vending machine operated by a smirking delivery guy who, in real-world circumstances, CC would sooner run over with his Escalade than have a conversation with.

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Since Congress cut back on ethanol subsidies, struggling Midwest farmers have been forced to grow overpriced Yankees as cash crop

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CC figures either he’s been traded to Kansas City, or he’s dead

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If this were CC’s idea of heaven, he’d be standing in a field of Big Macs

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A little pesticide should take care of this

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Overrated designated hitter Jim Thome seeks autograph from iconic Hall of Famer who would’ve hit 500 more home runs if he’d played in Thome’s era while Carlton Fisk idly wonders if he should kick his ass

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For Babe Ruth, this is hell

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Lou Piniella makes nervous ump feel at ease before breaking his neck over blown call in 2008 NLDS

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Rickey Henderson hangs out with his favorite people in the whole world

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Unfortunately for Mets, only two of these three Rickeys cared about his team

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Bobby Bonilla is waiting back in the clubhouse with a deck of cards

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Rollie Fingers sacrifices his self-respect and his stomach lining to earn his first paycheck in 25 years

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Evan Longoria and his .249 batting average must’ve wandered in by mistake

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Even Milwaukee Brewers’ giant bratwurst mascot looks offended

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All Iowa cornfields are equipped with electrical outlets

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Kevin Costner was unavailable, but amiable schlub Richard Speight Jr. has roughly same amount of acting skill

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Richard hands CC a full day’s supply of aspartame

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CC suddenly spots Evan Longoria

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Dennis Eckersley, one second before blowing out his elbow

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Kirk Gibson would’ve hit this out of the park

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When commercial is over, Randy Johnson can go back to appearing in little kids’ nightmares

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Excess soda from Pepsi bottle leaves signature burn hole in recycling bin

Image 38   Mike Schmidt tries to clock Johnson’s fastball with old fishing reel

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You can really taste the phosphoric acid

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When only Ozzie Smith’s left leg made it through cornfield teleporter, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong

Image 45   I’d prefer maximum calories with zero Pepsi taste.

Loathsomeness: 7.0

4 comments:

  1. They forgot to spell the word all the way; it's lacking the 'dys' in front of the 'p' and the 'a' that goes after the 'i'.

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  2. That wouldn't leave enough room on the label for the screaming, blood-red "MAX."

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  3. You call this humour? *snort* And FYI Richard Speight, Jr. is a great actor douchebag.

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  4. I think the snort is what really made the preceding comment. But, Richard, why were you afraid to use your real name?

    Apologies, in any case. Lest there be any doubt, Richard Speight Jr. is the De Niro of diet soda commercials.

    See you at the Oscars.

    ReplyDelete