Pepsi “Field of Dreams”

  

Synopsis: Bloated $24 million-a-year NY Yankee pitcher CC Sabathia unexpectedly finds himself in the middle of a cornfield with a group of bantering baseball greats – plus Tampa Bay’s Evan Longoria, for some reason – where he enjoys a gut-rotting zero-calorie Pepsi Max from a vending machine operated by a smirking delivery guy who, in real-world circumstances, CC would sooner run over with his Escalade than have a conversation with.

 
Since Congress cut back on ethanol subsidies, struggling Midwest farmers have been forced to grow overpriced Yankees as cash crop

 
CC figures either he’s been traded to Kansas City, or he’s dead

 
If this were CC’s idea of heaven, he’d be standing in a field of Big Macs

 
A little pesticide should take care of this

 
Overrated designated hitter Jim Thome seeks autograph from iconic Hall of Famer who would’ve hit 500 more home runs if he’d played in Thome’s era while Carlton Fisk idly wonders if he should kick his ass

 
For Babe Ruth, this is hell

 
Lou Piniella makes nervous ump feel at ease before breaking his neck over blown call in 2008 NLDS

 
Rickey Henderson hangs out with his favorite people in the whole world

 
Unfortunately for Mets, only two of these three Rickeys cared about his team

 
Bobby Bonilla is waiting back in the clubhouse with a deck of cards

 
Rollie Fingers sacrifices his self-respect and his stomach lining to earn his first paycheck in 25 years

 
Evan Longoria and his .249 batting average must’ve wandered in by mistake

 
Even Milwaukee Brewers’ giant bratwurst mascot looks offended

 
All Iowa cornfields are equipped with electrical outlets

 
Kevin Costner was unavailable, but amiable schlub Richard Speight Jr. has roughly same amount of acting skill

 
Richard hands CC a full day’s supply of aspartame

 
CC suddenly spots Evan Longoria

 
Dennis Eckersley, one second before blowing out his elbow

 
Kirk Gibson would’ve hit this out of the park

 
When commercial is over, Randy Johnson can go back to appearing in little kids’ nightmares

 
Excess soda from Pepsi bottle leaves signature burn hole in recycling bin

   Mike Schmidt tries to clock Johnson’s fastball with old fishing reel

 
You can really taste the phosphoric acid

 
When only Ozzie Smith’s left leg made it through cornfield teleporter, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong

   I’d prefer maximum calories with zero Pepsi taste.

Loathsomeness: 7.0