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Monday, July 25, 2011

Schick “Splash”

Link 01B Logo 01A

Synopsis: Thrill-seeking guys experience the reality-bending effects of a magical razor which causes any foreign object that comes into contact with their hyper-hydrated faces to instantly turn into water, somehow without terrifying their unsuspecting friends and lovers or condemning them to dissection in a secret government lab.

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Looks like we’re off to a promising start …

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Normally I wouldn’t date a woman who wears a “Thriller” jacket, but I think in this case I’d be willing to make an exception.

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Dude, just throw it on the floor!

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If movies and TV have taught us anything, it’s that cool single guys live in converted urban warehouses with factory-style fixtures

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Chicks dig exposed interior brick … a lot

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Customer service hotline?  1,000 Schick Hydros, please.

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Ooo … right in the eye.

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I guess turnabout is fair play.

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Wait – what just happened?  Go back!  Go back!

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The $2.7 billion Martial Arts Module is one of the most popular additions to the International Space Station

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It’s funny, because under normal circumstances he’d be dead

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This is why Japan lost World War II

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So, the feeling you get from Schick Hydro is like being waterboarded?

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Chronic unemployment isn’t all bad

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Joe made sure to wear extensive padding on his vulnerable elbows and kneecaps, leaving only his expendable face unprotected

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When an opposing player takes a shot, the goalie’s best defense is to remain utterly motionless, keep his hands down at his sides, and try to block the ball or puck with the bridge of his nose

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It’ll be interesting to see how they score this

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Routine headers like this one used to produce little excitement beyond long-term traumatic brain injuries that aren’t diagnosed until years later

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Now exploding balls filled with hydrochloric acid give long-suffering soccer fans something to cheer about

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Josh displays alabaster torso in rare Caucasian mating ritual never before captured on film, while Michelle, showing less enthusiasm for their upcoming sexual encounter, obliviously plays Angry Birds on her iPhone

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In further attempt to spark arousal, Josh adopts expectant gorilla posture, which no woman can resist

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The Pentagon is studying this to see if it has any kind of military application

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The coroner later ruled Josh’s drowning accidental

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Okay, okay – we get it!

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This guy’s all washed up.  Heh-heh …

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Carl screams in horror as fist liquefies before his eyes

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Um … this is supposed to be good?

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Each razor is lubricated with babies’ tears

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Works best on hairless, computer-animated beards

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Mike isn’t sure if he’s experiencing blast of hydration, or just lingering rush from bludgeoning his wife to death a few minutes ago

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Either way, he feels a lot better now

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CAUTION: Do not attempt to free skin from face; severe injury may result

Loathsomeness: 5.1

4 comments:

  1. Thank you; that one has been a burr under my saddle for quite a while now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Remarkably, even after seeing this commercial approximately one billion times, I still have not purchased a Schick Hydro. I do want to drown myself, however.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Woohoo, thank you thank you for doing this one! With the exception of Godaddy's ads, these have been the most irritating to me lately.

    I particularly like the martial arts bit. Apparently getting hit in the back of the head with a wooden sword (and survivng) is a common occurrence for today's Cool Guy™.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The martial arts guy was so cool, he made no attempt to defend himself from the potentially lethal attack, instead relying on the magic of Schick to save his hydrated skin. Unfortunately, he later learned the hard way that it only works when the temperature's above freezing.

    We'll have to put Go Daddy in our queue.

    ReplyDelete

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