Synopsis: In a stirring documentary with which his publicity-shy subject clearly had no involvement whatsoever, investment banker-turned-non-award-winning conservative filmmaker Stephen Bannon chronicles the heroic rise of Sarah Palin from anonymous tundra breeder to Real America’s Rogue Warrior-Princess of the North as she courageously challenges the status quo and claims public reimbursement for personal expenses across a melting slushpile of a state with fewer residents than metropolitan El Paso.
Sarah accuses parents of blood libel after being scolded for misbehaving during family trip to Alaskan bog
Todd found Sarah’s brown eyes and refusal to read newspapers irresistible
First Dude secretly voted for Alaskan Independence Party candidate, possibly while high
Mama grizzly attends to newborn; later pulls salmon out of river with teeth
Michele Bachmann could do this in her sleep
Palins would never exploit son’s military service for political purposes
Wearing corsage from senior prom, Sarah basks in electoral victory
Cut to Burning Atlanta scene from “Gone With the Wind,” for some reason
High-resolution satellite photo shows Earth still has vast reserves of fossil fuel
Oil company execs sat on death panels before it was cool
In high school Sarah was voted “Most Likely to Shoot Defenseless Animals From a Helicopter and/or Steal High-End Donor-Financed Clothing From the Republican National Committee”
“Undefeated” VP candidate Palin on way to unwinning 2008 election
“You hear about this ditzy nutjob from Wasilla? My ol’ mutt Spooner’s got more smarts, and he tried to swim across that oil slick.”
“No one has the guts to take on whoever we’re supposed to be! Whatever interests we might represent are much too powerful!”
Investigative report on global warming conspiracy spontaneously combusts in 106-degree Juneau heat
Palin voter knows he’ll never be able to live down his catastrophic mistake
“She just seemed so [sniff] … fiscally responsible … and [sob] … hot ...”
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; but in this case, it’s an overused cliché for wealthy “Establishment” elites who need to be curtailed, yet somehow also deserve tax breaks
Official seal of Alaska GOP is image of white elephant with head blown off
Another difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is that a pit bull knows it’s utterly unqualified to hold political office
Welcome to beautiful Wasilla, Alaska …
… population: crazy
Sarah receives personal instructions from God while Todd wonders if it’s time to have her committed
Jane Seymour look scrapped after polling indicated that 67% of religious conservatives preferred “Sexy School Teacher”
Governor Palin declares war on Russia before moving on to contentious state vegetable issue
Sarah and the kids visit Arsenictown
“I, Sarah Palin, do solemnly swear, that I will serve about half a term, then quit to write a self-promoting memoir and star in a reality series on TLC …”
She evidently managed to get through this one without crib notes
Governor Palin boldly nixed water and sewer lines – but the boat lift stays
Residents of Klawock will just have to learn to live without indoor plumbing
Despite availability of commercial shredders, inefficient federal government still cuts up hard-earned taxpayer dollars by hand
Tea Party activist shows patriotism by skipping work, adorning self with Chinese-made American flags, and calling for President’s impeachment on grounds that he wants to enable poor people to afford cancer treatment
Social Security and Medicare recipient Marjorie Trimble (right) demands that the government stop interfering in her life
Nationals Park is poignant symbol of endless ineptitude in Washington
If only Congress could cut Jayson Werth
Since 2008, little Piper has been afraid that Bill Ayers is hiding in her closet
Palin answers reporter’s question about number of foreign countries she’s visited in her lifetime, naming the United States and Arizona
Lamestream media realizes that Sarah must be stopped at all costs
An urgent message is sent out to Katie Couric …
… as advance team of human clones arrives in Alaska to start digging up dirt
One of them drew short straw to impregnate Bristol, but as it turned out, that mission was already accomplished
“Launch Tina Fey!”
Bridge to Nowhere swallows up time-traveling cars from the 70’s
If this happens to you, tell your doctor – it could be the sign of a rare but potentially serious kidney problem
And that’s why children’s pajamas are no longer made out of money
I smell Oscar … oh; wait – that’s something else.
Loathsomeness: 9.8
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That was amazing. Truly. It made my lame-ass insomnia tolerable and for that, I thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh, great; a biopic about the Candidate From Psychosis. Just what we did not need in these days before her fellow idiot tea-baggers bluster about how government doesn't work....after they willfully sabotage it for insane, stupid and mean-spirited reasons.
ReplyDeletePahz: you're the best, and glad to help. Sarah truly is a gift that keeps on giving.
ReplyDeleteDread: sabotaging America's democratic, constitutional government is the very essence of patriotism. That's what the Founding Fathers who created it would have wanted us to do.
The bit about Medicare/SSI recipient protesting government involvement in healthcare just killed me. Or rather, it killed a big chunk of my faith in humanity.
ReplyDeleteThe Tea Party: Because hating the government that you and your fellow Americans are responsible for is patriotic!
D'oh. The Editor said it, and better.
ReplyDeleteThe virtues of hating the government while accepting innumerable benefits from it cannot be emphasized enough. With federal revenue as a percentage of GDP at its lowest level in half a century, our evil Washington overlords have cleverly disguised their secret plan to crush the spirits of hard-working Americans through massive, crippling taxation.
ReplyDeleteSo funny, so accurate...but you forgot about this anti-abortion person's two abortions while in college. The hypocrisy is strong with this one.
ReplyDeleteThat's just what the Lamestream Media wants you to think.
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