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Sunday, January 29, 2012

Romney “Florida Sucks”

Link 01A Logo 01

Synopsis: In a pre-emptive strike against President Obama’s annual State of the Union Address, everyday working American / soulless job-killing plutocrat Mitt Romney bolsters his case for becoming the next leader of our sub-great nation by reminding discouraged Florida primary voters that they reside in the most messed-up, depressing place in the USA and proclaiming that all their troubles are caused by the tyrannical federal government he desperately longs to draw a paycheck from.

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When the gypsum bubble burst, millions lost their livelihoods

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These rusty pieces of metal are all that remains of once-vibrant metropolis

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In hindsight, reliance on colonial-era printing press was a mistake

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Even the spiders got laid off

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Clever campaign sign cost more than entire factory

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“Raise your hand if you’re an African-American.”

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“Anyone … ?”

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President Obama promises to double the number of world leaders he bows to next year

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Signal suddenly breaks up when Joe Biden turns on blender

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That’s almost a third as long as the unnecessary wars started by Bush

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As crowd gasps, American flag is lowered into industrial waste incinerator to dramatize nation’s economic plight

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Obama pauses in mid-speech to give thanks to Allah

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Records kept by Republicans go all the way back to January 2009

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Divisive President engages in class warfare by urging Congress to raise his taxes, revealing bitter envy of his own success

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Now America might not be able to buy that new Harley

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After careful deliberation, Mitt put his tie into a blind trust

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Even 8 megapixels can’t make this guy look real

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“… and that’s why, as I decided sometime last week, government-mandated health insurance is the biggest threat to our individual liberty since America declared independence from King George III … unless, you know, some state thinks it’s a good idea.”

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Pre-melanomic Floridians are enthralled by Romney’s bold moderation

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After disappointments from other candidates, Judy admires Mitt’s opposition to open marriage, but husband Bob is more ambivalent

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“Sure, I’m in the top 1% – but I’m in the bottom 99% of the top 1%, if you exclude stock options and foreign currency holdings.”

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“Like many of you, I know how it feels to lie awake at night wondering if you’re going to lose your job at your venture capital firm and have to tap into your Swiss bank account to keep paying the mortgage on your multi-million-dollar vacation home.”

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One out of three Romney supporters listed “hair” as most important factor in choosing a candidate

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Retired Orlando legal secretary applauds Romney’s tough stance on illegal immigrants who thwarted her lifelong dream of spending ten hours a day in the hot sun picking tangerines

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“Thanks everybody, and don’t forget – even though we’re a little nutty about Jesus and the afterlife, Mormons are just as homophobic as other Christians!”

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If this doesn’t work, maybe he can run for President of the Cayman Islands

Loathsomeness: 7.9

8 comments:

  1. Jasper: we're trying to get things cranked up again around here ... keep the faith! The 2012 election is calling like a siren song ...

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  2. I'm just waiting for this idiot to mutter "Excellent" and ask Smithers "Who is that cephalopod?"

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    Replies
    1. With Romney's supplicating lapdog, Tim Pawlenty, in the role of Smithers -- not that he seemed to help any last night in Minnesota.

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  3. That's better than Newt; I start worrying about Dead Zone-like scenarios:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CdKuLRmg8k

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  4. “Like many of you, I know how it feels to lie awake at night wondering if you’re going to lose your job at your venture capital firm and have to tap into your Swiss bank account to keep paying the mortgage on your multi-million-dollar vacation home.”

    Bahahaha, genius. I can't believe he ever tried to pull the "I know what it's like to be unemployed" line with a straight face. Mitt could be unemployed for a hundred years and still buy a new Bugati Veyron (or whatever they have in the year 2110 - a Mr. Fusion-powered hoverracer, maybe) each and every year.

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    Replies
    1. Somehow I can't picture Mitt behind the wheel of a Buggati Veyron. And where would he strap his dog?

      http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/01/13/romneys-dog-on-car-roof-story-makes-him-unfit-to-be-president/

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