Romney “Florida Sucks”

 

Synopsis: In a pre-emptive strike against President Obama’s annual State of the Union Address, everyday working American / soulless job-killing plutocrat Mitt Romney bolsters his case for becoming the next leader of our sub-great nation by reminding discouraged Florida primary voters that they reside in the most messed-up, depressing place in the USA and proclaiming that all their troubles are caused by the tyrannical federal government he desperately longs to draw a paycheck from.

 
When the gypsum bubble burst, millions lost their livelihoods

 
These rusty pieces of metal are all that remains of once-vibrant metropolis

 
In hindsight, reliance on colonial-era printing press was a mistake

 
Even the spiders got laid off

 
Clever campaign sign cost more than entire factory

 
“Raise your hand if you’re an African-American.”

“Anyone … ?”

President Obama promises to double the number of world leaders he bows to next year

 
Signal suddenly breaks up when Joe Biden turns on blender

 
That’s almost a third as long as the unnecessary wars started by Bush

 
As crowd gasps, American flag is lowered into industrial waste incinerator to dramatize nation’s economic plight

 
Obama pauses in mid-speech to give thanks to Allah

 
Records kept by Republicans go all the way back to January 2009

 
Divisive President engages in class warfare by urging Congress to raise his taxes, revealing bitter envy of his own success

 
Now America might not be able to buy that new Harley

 
After careful deliberation, Mitt put his tie into a blind trust

 
Even 8 megapixels can’t make this guy look real

 
“… and that’s why, as I decided sometime last week, government-mandated health insurance is the biggest threat to our individual liberty since America declared independence from King George III … unless, you know, some state thinks it’s a good idea.”

 
Pre-melanomic Floridians are enthralled by Romney’s bold moderation

 
After disappointments from other candidates, Judy admires Mitt’s opposition to open marriage, but husband Bob is more ambivalent

“Sure, I’m in the top 1% – but I’m in the bottom 99% of the top 1%, if you exclude stock options and foreign currency holdings.”

“Like many of you, I know how it feels to lie awake at night wondering if you’re going to lose your job at your venture capital firm and have to tap into your Swiss bank account to keep paying the mortgage on your multi-million-dollar vacation home.”

One out of three Romney supporters listed “hair” as most important factor in choosing a candidate

 
Retired Orlando legal secretary applauds Romney’s tough stance on illegal immigrants who thwarted her lifelong dream of spending ten hours a day in the hot sun picking tangerines

 
“Thanks everybody, and don’t forget – even though we’re a little nutty about Jesus and the afterlife, Mormons are just as homophobic as other Christians!”

 
If this doesn’t work, maybe he can run for President of the Cayman Islands

Loathsomeness: 7.9