Gingrich “Rebuilding”

 

Synopsis: Hypocritical hate muffin Newt Gingrich tries to stay positive about the nation’s prospects for recovery after four long years of socialist rule as his bloviating, self-indulgent presidential campaign spirals into vaudevillian irrelevancy.

In startling glimpse of Barack Obama’s would-be second term, nuclear blast vaporizes idyllic Missouri field

Fortunately, white picket fences keep out both radiation and gays

“Some people may prefer a Saul Alinsky Kenyan Anticolonialist Food Stamp President who makes decisions that are incredibly stupid, but I don’t – nor, to the best of my knowledge, do any of my current or former wives.”

 
Planet patiently waits for Newt to shift it

 
American exceptionalism is powerful, but not machine-washable

 
Shopkeeper Mildred Finney sweeps up used syringes and condom wrappers from last night’s “Occupy Dixville” demonstration as lingering clouds of tear gas hang in the air

Small-town florists could create at least three million jobs if they were freed from bureaucratic red tape

I’d definitely start a moon colony with her.

“As a historian, I’m quite certain that the worst injustice ever inflicted on Jewish victims of the Holocaust was when Governor Romney vetoed a bill that would have provided additional public funding for kosher food in nursing homes.”

In anticipation of Gingrich presidency, U.S. Marines train for assault on Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals

 
Gingrich has challenged Lady Liberty to a series of ten Lincoln-Douglas style debates, but so far she’s refused to respond

 
Newt’s immigration plan: Mexicans in church stay; Mexicans in barn go

Self-conscious Gingrich campaign volunteers with no prior acting experience walk through hotel lobby pretending to be business professionals mutually respecting each other’s race and hotness

Why don’t women dress like this at my office?

So, who wants to be the next Callista?

Meanwhile, back in Texas, Rick Perry suddenly remembers the third federal agency he wanted to eliminate

 
Majestic Iowa State Capitol glistens in the sun (Not pictured: meth addicts)

The only thing farmer Ralph Yates loves more than growing wheat is being paid by the government not to sell it to his fellow Americans

Horrified elementary school teacher quickly closes browser after student Googles “Santorum” for class civics project

Darkened grain silos do not lend themselves to satirical captions

“After we successfully reanimate Ronald Reagan using stem cells he left me for safekeeping, the former President will acknowledge that we made love on more than one occasion.”

“And on my very first day in office, I will publicly execute Wolf Blitzer.”

 
The only candidate with the courage to ask his wife for an open marriage

Loathsomeness: 6.7