Saturday, February 18, 2012

Gingrich “Rebuilding”

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Synopsis: Hypocritical hate muffin Newt Gingrich tries to stay positive about the nation’s prospects for recovery after four long years of socialist rule as his bloviating, self-indulgent presidential campaign spirals into vaudevillian irrelevancy.

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In startling glimpse of Barack Obama’s would-be second term, nuclear blast vaporizes idyllic Missouri field

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Fortunately, white picket fences keep out both radiation and gays

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“Some people may prefer a Saul Alinsky Kenyan Anticolonialist Food Stamp President who makes decisions that are incredibly stupid, but I don’t – nor, to the best of my knowledge, do any of my current or former wives.”

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Planet patiently waits for Newt to shift it

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American exceptionalism is powerful, but not machine-washable

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Shopkeeper Mildred Finney sweeps up used syringes and condom wrappers from last night’s “Occupy Dixville” demonstration as lingering clouds of tear gas hang in the air

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Small-town florists could create at least three million jobs if they were freed from bureaucratic red tape

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I’d definitely start a moon colony with her.

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“As a historian, I’m quite certain that the worst injustice ever inflicted on Jewish victims of the Holocaust was when Governor Romney vetoed a bill that would have provided additional public funding for kosher food in nursing homes.”

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In anticipation of Gingrich presidency, U.S. Marines train for assault on Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals

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Gingrich has challenged Lady Liberty to a series of ten Lincoln-Douglas style debates, but so far she’s refused to respond

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Newt’s immigration plan: Mexicans in church stay; Mexicans in barn go

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Self-conscious Gingrich campaign volunteers with no prior acting experience walk through hotel lobby pretending to be business professionals mutually respecting each other’s race and hotness

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Why don’t women dress like this at my office?

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So, who wants to be the next Callista?

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Meanwhile, back in Texas, Rick Perry suddenly remembers the third federal agency he wanted to eliminate

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Majestic Iowa State Capitol glistens in the sun (Not pictured: meth addicts)

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The only thing farmer Ralph Yates loves more than growing wheat is being paid by the government not to sell it to his fellow Americans

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Horrified elementary school teacher quickly closes browser after student Googles “Santorum” for class civics project

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Darkened grain silos do not lend themselves to satirical captions

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“After we successfully reanimate Ronald Reagan using stem cells he left me for safekeeping, the former President will acknowledge that we made love on more than one occasion.”

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“And on my very first day in office, I will publicly execute Wolf Blitzer.”

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The only candidate with the courage to ask his wife for an open marriage

Loathsomeness: 6.7

15 comments:

  1. The annoying thing is that any parody SNL might make would be less ludicrous than this.

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    1. Agreed. Whoever sells stock footage of gauzy Americana must be making a fortune.

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  2. I was surprised that the lobby didn't contain poor, orphaned children scrubbing the floor.

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    1. ... teaching them valuable life lessons about how unfairly-maligned child labor actually can lead to a bright future of performing menial, low-paying jobs for their economic and social betters.

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  3. Windsor Ontario RunnerMarch 1, 2012 at 8:20 PM

    The student googling 'Santorum' picture is hilarious! I'll remember that one for a while! =D

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    1. No wonder he prefers home schooling.

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  4. You had me at "Hypocritical hate muffin" ;)

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    1. I see Mitt Romney as more of a contradictory croissant.

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    2. I suppose that would make Ron Paul a discordant donut.

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    3. Hmm, Paul is a bit more sophisticated--I prefer to thing of him as more of a strident scone. Santorum is the one who seems more donut-like to me--perhaps a dogmatic donut?

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    4. If I made any money, I'd hire you guys as staff writers.

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  5. Shoot, I'll write for free! Just point me in the right direction, whip off the blindfold, dive behind something solid, toss a typewriter over the wall, along with some suitable pharmaceuticals (I prefer a 50/50 mix of horse tranquilizers and Adderal) and... Um... an ice pack... er, I forgot where I was going with this.
    Oh, that's right. Words.

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    1. You sound like Hunter S. Thompson.

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    2. That may be the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me.

      When I meet my inevitable and untimely demise at the hands of overzealous TSA agents (who refuse to recognize my constitutionally protected and life-affirming religious ritual of carrying a vial of nitroglycerin in my rectum wherever I go) I do hope you'll be tapped to write my eulogy.

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