Saturday, February 18, 2012

Gingrich “Rebuilding”

Link 01A Logo 02B

Synopsis: Hypocritical hate muffin Newt Gingrich tries to stay positive about the nation’s prospects for recovery after four long years of socialist rule as his bloviating, self-indulgent presidential campaign spirals into vaudevillian irrelevancy.

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In startling glimpse of Barack Obama’s would-be second term, nuclear blast vaporizes idyllic Missouri field

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Fortunately, white picket fences keep out both radiation and gays

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“Some people may prefer a Saul Alinsky Kenyan Anticolonialist Food Stamp President who makes decisions that are incredibly stupid, but I don’t – nor, to the best of my knowledge, do any of my current or former wives.”

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Planet patiently waits for Newt to shift it

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American exceptionalism is powerful, but not machine-washable

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Shopkeeper Mildred Finney sweeps up used syringes and condom wrappers from last night’s “Occupy Dixville” demonstration as lingering clouds of tear gas hang in the air

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Small-town florists could create at least three million jobs if they were freed from bureaucratic red tape

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I’d definitely start a moon colony with her.

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“As a historian, I’m quite certain that the worst injustice ever inflicted on Jewish victims of the Holocaust was when Governor Romney vetoed a bill that would have provided additional public funding for kosher food in nursing homes.”

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In anticipation of Gingrich presidency, U.S. Marines train for assault on Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals

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Gingrich has challenged Lady Liberty to a series of ten Lincoln-Douglas style debates, but so far she’s refused to respond

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Newt’s immigration plan: Mexicans in church stay; Mexicans in barn go

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Self-conscious Gingrich campaign volunteers with no prior acting experience walk through hotel lobby pretending to be business professionals mutually respecting each other’s race and hotness

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Why don’t women dress like this at my office?

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So, who wants to be the next Callista?

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Meanwhile, back in Texas, Rick Perry suddenly remembers the third federal agency he wanted to eliminate

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Majestic Iowa State Capitol glistens in the sun (Not pictured: meth addicts)

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The only thing farmer Ralph Yates loves more than growing wheat is being paid by the government not to sell it to his fellow Americans

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Horrified elementary school teacher quickly closes browser after student Googles “Santorum” for class civics project

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Darkened grain silos do not lend themselves to satirical captions

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“After we successfully reanimate Ronald Reagan using stem cells he left me for safekeeping, the former President will acknowledge that we made love on more than one occasion.”

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“And on my very first day in office, I will publicly execute Wolf Blitzer.”

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The only candidate with the courage to ask his wife for an open marriage

Loathsomeness: 6.7


  1. The annoying thing is that any parody SNL might make would be less ludicrous than this.

    1. Agreed. Whoever sells stock footage of gauzy Americana must be making a fortune.

  2. I was surprised that the lobby didn't contain poor, orphaned children scrubbing the floor.

    1. ... teaching them valuable life lessons about how unfairly-maligned child labor actually can lead to a bright future of performing menial, low-paying jobs for their economic and social betters.

  3. Windsor Ontario RunnerMarch 1, 2012 at 8:20 PM

    The student googling 'Santorum' picture is hilarious! I'll remember that one for a while! =D

  4. You had me at "Hypocritical hate muffin" ;)

    1. I see Mitt Romney as more of a contradictory croissant.

    2. I suppose that would make Ron Paul a discordant donut.

    3. Hmm, Paul is a bit more sophisticated--I prefer to thing of him as more of a strident scone. Santorum is the one who seems more donut-like to me--perhaps a dogmatic donut?

    4. If I made any money, I'd hire you guys as staff writers.

  5. Shoot, I'll write for free! Just point me in the right direction, whip off the blindfold, dive behind something solid, toss a typewriter over the wall, along with some suitable pharmaceuticals (I prefer a 50/50 mix of horse tranquilizers and Adderal) and... Um... an ice pack... er, I forgot where I was going with this.
    Oh, that's right. Words.

    1. You sound like Hunter S. Thompson.

    2. That may be the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me.

      When I meet my inevitable and untimely demise at the hands of overzealous TSA agents (who refuse to recognize my constitutionally protected and life-affirming religious ritual of carrying a vial of nitroglycerin in my rectum wherever I go) I do hope you'll be tapped to write my eulogy.


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