Saturday, February 25, 2012

Just For Men “Baby”

Link 02A Logo 02B

Synopsis: In what just might be the most overtly horrific television commercial ever produced, Just For Men treats unsuspecting viewers to the psychologically damaging sight of a freakish, goatee-faced baby with fully-developed motor skills enjoying a free-wheeling, booty-chasing night on the town.

Image 02
Wait for it …

Image 03
Wait for it …

Image 01

Image 04
Finally – irrefutable proof that the world is coming to an end

Image 06
If it were up to Ron Paul, this would be completely legal

Image 07
Only non-gay club in America where hot chicks have to wait outside

Image 09
Roadster screeches to stop in front of red carpet, squashing GEICO Gecko

Image 10
Anonymous commercial extras who once dreamed of stardom hide crippling sense of failure behind fungible smiles

Image 11
Bouncer is amused by apparently serious genetic defects of arriving guest

Image 14
Bearded Baby pauses momentarily to defecate in his tuxedo

Image 16
Kelly hopes that no one notices regurgitation stains on her dress

Image 17
Oh, no … it’s coming closer …

Image 18
Keep it away from me!

Image 19
Quick spray of bleach into eyes brings temporary relief

Image 20 
A surprisingly high number of trendy L.A. nightclubs serve Just For Men hair coloring products.

Image 23
Bartender remembered that Baby likes to wash his formula down with a couple of vodka tonics

Image 24
This seems perfectly normal and not disturbing at all …

Image 25
“Looks like it’s almost time for my next feeding … heh-heh …”

Image 27
Now we know what women want: a demonic post-natal playboy with well-groomed facial hair

Image 29
“Seriously – someone needs to change me.”

Image 30
Baby’s skull is still fragile and bright lights permanently damage his eyes, but, you’ve gotta admit, he’s one hell of a dancer

Image 31
Just For Men totally respects the female sex.

Image 33
Producers emphasized the importance of safety by making sure that car-driving infant wore his seat belt

Image 34
Oh, yeah – it also talks in a funky deep baritone.  Enjoy!

Image 35
“See you in your nightmares.”

Image 36
In the State of Mustache & Beard, “Just For Men” is one of the most sought-after vanity license plates

Image 38
Dream ends when somebody calls Child Protective Services

Loathsomeness: 9.9


  1. Hopefully this ad will sound the death knell for the scrotee.

    1. Thanks. I could not bring myself to use this ad on my own site.

    2. But, John, you must -- only our combined efforts can defeat this evil.

      For the uninitiated, see:

    3. Dare I ask what a scrotee is?
      Also, does a beard count as a "scrotee" if there's no moustache? Er, I ask because a friend of mine...

    4. I had to look it up ...

      According to Urban Dictionary (, a "scrotee" is "a goatee that has patches or looks thin/ugly, the implication made that the goatee looks like ball hair."

      There are a few, shall we say, less tasteful secondary definitions, as well.

      So, there you go.

  2. I was going to write asking if you had plans dissect one of the recent plague of cellphone commercials featuring gaggles of gadget obsessed nitwits trying to one-up each other.

    But when there's hideousness like this out there, that has to be your top priority. I have not seen the actual commercial and thanks to this, should it ever come on I will change channels instantly.

    1. Yes, you see how I had to drop everything and deal with this monstrosity at once. But, rest assured, those other commercials are in the queue.

    2. So in the end I had to watch it (on YouTube). Holy hell on earth! It is an unfathomable mind that comes up with this nightmare idea and an even more deranged one that green-lights it. *shudders*

    3. Ad Exec: "This will blow your mind. What if we put a beard ... on a BABY. And then surround the baby with hot, drunk women who want to sleep with him."

      JFM Marketing Guy 1: "I LIKE it!"

      JFM Marketing Guy 2: "That would really resonate with our core demographic of creepy, middle-aged losers."

    4. Just when my nightmares featuring Burger King's terrifying plastic breakfast monarch start to subside, along comes this hirsute little homunculus.

    5. This goes back to the early days of The Planet, but in case you haven't seen it:

  3. My God. To think that there's controversy about a cut-away scene featuring some wall-eyed pony on a kiddie cartoon when there's a real horror to fear.

    1. Next we'll see the Just For Men Baby and the E*TRADE Baby knife fight each other in a televised death match.

    2. Whoever wins, society and good taste lose.

  4. I thought i was the only person skived out buy this commercial. Its like an accident- you morbidly view it waiting for it to end. The first time i saw it, i missed the product all together- hay wait what was that selling? Diapers? A new pharma pill? What side effect? And a adult woman gazing lovingly at a baby boy!

    1. At least they didn't show what happened when he took her back to his crib.

    2. She'll be disappointed to find that he stuffs his diaper.

    3. ... and that he cries through the night.

  5. If Freddy Krueger had a grandson...

    But in all seriousness, this article had me cracking up, keep up the good work!


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.