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Saturday, February 25, 2012

Just For Men “Baby”

Link 02A Logo 02B

Synopsis: In what just might be the most overtly horrific television commercial ever produced, Just For Men treats unsuspecting viewers to the psychologically damaging sight of a freakish, goatee-faced baby with fully-developed motor skills enjoying a free-wheeling, booty-chasing night on the town.

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Wait for it …

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Wait for it …

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Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

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Finally – irrefutable proof that the world is coming to an end

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If it were up to Ron Paul, this would be completely legal

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Only non-gay club in America where hot chicks have to wait outside

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Roadster screeches to stop in front of red carpet, squashing GEICO Gecko

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Anonymous commercial extras who once dreamed of stardom hide crippling sense of failure behind fungible smiles

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Bouncer is amused by apparently serious genetic defects of arriving guest

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Bearded Baby pauses momentarily to defecate in his tuxedo

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Kelly hopes that no one notices regurgitation stains on her dress

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Oh, no … it’s coming closer …

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Keep it away from me!

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Quick spray of bleach into eyes brings temporary relief

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A surprisingly high number of trendy L.A. nightclubs serve Just For Men hair coloring products.

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Bartender remembered that Baby likes to wash his formula down with a couple of vodka tonics

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This seems perfectly normal and not disturbing at all …

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“Looks like it’s almost time for my next feeding … heh-heh …”

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Now we know what women want: a demonic post-natal playboy with well-groomed facial hair

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“Seriously – someone needs to change me.”

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Baby’s skull is still fragile and bright lights permanently damage his eyes, but, you’ve gotta admit, he’s one hell of a dancer

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Just For Men totally respects the female sex.

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Producers emphasized the importance of safety by making sure that car-driving infant wore his seat belt

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Oh, yeah – it also talks in a funky deep baritone.  Enjoy!

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“See you in your nightmares.”

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In the State of Mustache & Beard, “Just For Men” is one of the most sought-after vanity license plates

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Dream ends when somebody calls Child Protective Services

Loathsomeness: 9.9

20 comments:

  1. Hopefully this ad will sound the death knell for the scrotee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I could not bring myself to use this ad on my own site.

      Delete
    2. But, John, you must -- only our combined efforts can defeat this evil.

      For the uninitiated, see:

      http://www.thiscommercialsucks.blogspot.com/

      Delete
    3. Dare I ask what a scrotee is?
      Also, does a beard count as a "scrotee" if there's no moustache? Er, I ask because a friend of mine...

      Delete
    4. I had to look it up ...

      According to Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com), a "scrotee" is "a goatee that has patches or looks thin/ugly, the implication made that the goatee looks like ball hair."

      There are a few, shall we say, less tasteful secondary definitions, as well.

      So, there you go.

      Delete
  2. I was going to write asking if you had plans dissect one of the recent plague of cellphone commercials featuring gaggles of gadget obsessed nitwits trying to one-up each other.

    But when there's hideousness like this out there, that has to be your top priority. I have not seen the actual commercial and thanks to this, should it ever come on I will change channels instantly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you see how I had to drop everything and deal with this monstrosity at once. But, rest assured, those other commercials are in the queue.

      Delete
    2. So in the end I had to watch it (on YouTube). Holy hell on earth! It is an unfathomable mind that comes up with this nightmare idea and an even more deranged one that green-lights it. *shudders*

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    3. Ad Exec: "This will blow your mind. What if we put a beard ... on a BABY. And then surround the baby with hot, drunk women who want to sleep with him."

      JFM Marketing Guy 1: "I LIKE it!"

      JFM Marketing Guy 2: "That would really resonate with our core demographic of creepy, middle-aged losers."

      Delete
    4. Just when my nightmares featuring Burger King's terrifying plastic breakfast monarch start to subside, along comes this hirsute little homunculus.
      *shiver*

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    5. This goes back to the early days of The Planet, but in case you haven't seen it:

      http://www.pointlessplanet.com/2009/06/burger-king-klingons.html

      Delete
  3. My God. To think that there's controversy about a cut-away scene featuring some wall-eyed pony on a kiddie cartoon when there's a real horror to fear.

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    Replies
    1. Next we'll see the Just For Men Baby and the E*TRADE Baby knife fight each other in a televised death match.

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    2. Whoever wins, society and good taste lose.

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  4. I thought i was the only person skived out buy this commercial. Its like an accident- you morbidly view it waiting for it to end. The first time i saw it, i missed the product all together- hay wait what was that selling? Diapers? A new pharma pill? What side effect? And a adult woman gazing lovingly at a baby boy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least they didn't show what happened when he took her back to his crib.

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    2. She'll be disappointed to find that he stuffs his diaper.

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    3. ... and that he cries through the night.

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  5. If Freddy Krueger had a grandson...

    But in all seriousness, this article had me cracking up, keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least they didn't put him in that sweater.

      Delete

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