Saturday, March 3, 2012

McDonald’s “Odds”

Link 01A Logo 01A

Synopsis: Humble-hometown-basketball-hero-turned-egotistical-world-class-jerk LeBron James takes his talents to McDonald’s, where he helps deliver an inspirational message of hope, courage, and bypassed crunch-time jumpers to struggling grease addicts who seek a miraculous solution to their financial problems in a fast food restaurant that is actively trying to kill them.

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Multicultural rainbow of Stacys sits in front of carefully-arranged junk food to discuss Eurozone crisis

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Odds that in any group of four women dining at McDonald’s, none are fat

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In search of more nutrition, Stacy No. 2 decides to try eating peel-off sticker

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It says, “Act surprised, stupid.”

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Okay, dial it back a little …

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“I won a million dollars without getting food poisoning!”

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* Cash prizes paid in Monopoly money

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“Now I can buy all the contraceptives I want without sending my Catholic employer to hell!”

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While Stacys celebrate astounding good fortune, LeBron James finds extra million from Miami Heat stuck to the bottom of his shoe

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Endorsement contract doesn’t require him to hide wariness of pretend meal

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LeBron is almost as afraid to touch artery-clogging french fry as he is to take final shot with game on the line

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It’s funny because it’s true.

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Lack of cumbersome championship ring makes it easier to uncover boxed burger prizes

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“You’ll never be Jordan.”

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Quarters of NBA playoff games LeBron typically doesn’t show up in

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It’s nice to see one of the little guys win for a change.

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LeBron wonders if he can take his talents to the Stacys

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Dipping sauce he selected will be announced on prime-time ESPN special

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3 in 4 will get heart disease

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In clever marketing ploy, McDonald’s makes number of “winning game pieces” issued during Monopoly promotion exactly equal to number of dollars LeBron deemed insufficient to re-sign with Cleveland Cavaliers

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And this is just for lighting cigars

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The new Mazda One Percenter gets 3.5 MPG and is aerodynamically designed to cut through drum-banging mobs of unbathed Occupy Wall Street protesters

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Let’s see, how many pairs of tube socks can you get for that … ?

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While enjoying the beautiful Cayman Islands, be sure to visit Mitt Romney’s historic offshore bank

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Ten million cows a year, not so much

Loathsomeness: 8.1

6 comments:

  1. Am I the only one who nearly crapped myself when the buzzer went off about 13 seconds in? That sucker is loud!

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    1. Yeah; sorry about that. It was the best link I could find.

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  2. The odd thing is that I almost felt hungry for their glue-like milkshakes....that's because the ad made me grimace.

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    1. What do you mean, "glue-LIKE?" People in Third World countries use those shakes as a substitute for mortar.

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  3. The reaction of the Stacy Collective to Stacy-2 winning ONE MILLION DOLLARS was at about the level you'd expect if she'd won a free order of fries.

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    1. Apparently, seeing a close, personal friend sitting right beside you suddenly discover that she's won a million dollars is, at most, a mildly pleasant experience. But perhaps the Stacys are like the Borg -- as soon as one knows, they all know -- so the others weren't surprised.

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