Synopsis: Humble-hometown-basketball-hero-turned-egotistical-world-class-jerk LeBron James takes his talents to McDonald’s, where he helps deliver an inspirational message of hope, courage, and bypassed crunch-time jumpers to struggling grease addicts who seek a miraculous solution to their financial problems in a fast food restaurant that is actively trying to kill them.
Multicultural rainbow of Stacys sits in front of carefully-arranged junk food to discuss Eurozone crisis
Odds that in any group of four women dining at McDonald’s, none are fat
In search of more nutrition, Stacy No. 2 decides to try eating peel-off sticker
It says, “Act surprised, stupid.”
Okay, dial it back a little …
“I won a million dollars without getting food poisoning!”
* Cash prizes paid in Monopoly money
“Now I can buy all the contraceptives I want without sending my Catholic employer to hell!”
While Stacys celebrate astounding good fortune, LeBron James finds extra million from Miami Heat stuck to the bottom of his shoe
Endorsement contract doesn’t require him to hide wariness of pretend meal
LeBron is almost as afraid to touch artery-clogging french fry as he is to take final shot with game on the line
It’s funny because it’s true.
Lack of cumbersome championship ring makes it easier to uncover boxed burger prizes
“You’ll never be Jordan.”
Quarters of NBA playoff games LeBron typically doesn’t show up in
It’s nice to see one of the little guys win for a change.
LeBron wonders if he can take his talents to the Stacys
Dipping sauce he selected will be announced on prime-time ESPN special
3 in 4 will get heart disease
In clever marketing ploy, McDonald’s makes number of “winning game pieces” issued during Monopoly promotion exactly equal to number of dollars LeBron deemed insufficient to re-sign with Cleveland Cavaliers
And this is just for lighting cigars
The new Mazda One Percenter gets 3.5 MPG and is aerodynamically designed to cut through drum-banging mobs of unbathed Occupy Wall Street protesters
Let’s see, how many pairs of tube socks can you get for that … ?
While enjoying the beautiful Cayman Islands, be sure to visit Mitt Romney’s historic offshore bank
Ten million cows a year, not so much