Synopsis: In the most distasteful display of masculine capitulation since MultiGrain Cheerios’ infamous “Steve,” McDonald’s presents a bitter, conniving shrew rhetorically bludgeoning her hapless oaf of a husband into throwing another sports-loving guy under the bus for the sake of fleeting marital harmony and the chance to peaceably consume colorful clusters of trans fat.
Tyrell and Sharise sit down to breakfast in cleanest McDonald’s in North America while angry loner decides to get quick Diet Coke before spraying restaurant with gunfire
Tyrell wanted to discuss results of his recent biopsy, but hearing mundane details of wife’s sister’s relationship with her new boyfriend obviously takes precedence
“… he thinks Sundays are just for watching football. And don’t even get me started on what he thinks Mondays are for …”
Tension arises when Sharise challenges love of her life to agree that a guy’s preference for doing something he enjoys is unequivocally wrong
Loaded question confuses Tyrell, since he hasn’t experienced any form of enjoyment whatsoever since foolishly purchasing an engagement ring two years ago
The word “football” sounds vaguely familiar, but, like the word “backbone,” he can’t quite remember what it means
In Tyrell’s imagination, he lives in 1957, he finally got around to cleaning the bay windows, and all of his personal belongings fit into a single piece of carry-on luggage
Seconds later, he’s devoured by out-of-control shrubbery
Back in reality, Tyrell faces terrible dilemma of whether to robotically tell wife what she wants to hear about some random dude who’s nailing her sister, or go without food and sex for a week
Sharise can wait all day for husband to emasculate himself
It usually doesn’t take this long
Let’s see … what’s my position on Syria – no, wait … Sundays …
Maybe I should go over to the next booth and consult with LeBron James.
Dumping that 200 degree coffee on her lap might shut her up ...
Yeah, that would be sweet … then I could use the settlement money to buy a 70-inch plasma TV for not watching football!
What would you do, disgusting Breakfast Burrito?
It looks like it’s been pre-digested.
Why did I order this shit?
Oh, man, I’m gonna be sick ...
Did something just move in there?
Sharise likes to neatly display her food before not eating it
Tyrell narrows his response down to three options:
A: “I can’t stand you, you vile, manipulative bitch!”
B: “Why you gotta disrespect me like that? I should’ve married your sister – then at least I wouldn’t have to waste every damn Sunday listening to you talk about her behind her back!”
C: “You are so right that a woman’s endless emotional needs are more important than a man’s desire to watch sports on TV.”
Guess which one he went with?
Sharise is pleased by her husband’s soul-crushing humiliation
Next on the debate agenda: “Resolved: Your balls are mine.”
In McDonald’s, no one can hear you scream