Rosland Capital “Safe”

 

Synopsis: William Devane shares his deep concern about the precarious state of the global economy and his strong belief in the wisdom of investing in gold as a shelter from financial instability, while millions of baffled TV viewers wonder, “Who is the hell is William Devane?”

William Devane awaits the apocalypse in style

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Apparently playing Mayor Kirby T. Calo in “Honky Tonk Freeway”  somehow qualifies you to give total strangers investment advice

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What’s the debt per forgettable has-been character actor?

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Through a mysterious, highly complex chain of events, ethnic rioting in Bosnia-Herzegovina triggers a precipitous rise in the average cost of U.S. gym memberships and Netflix fees

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Soon these $100 bills will be worth so little that rich people will be too embarrassed to light cigars with them

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Camera crew showed up just as Devane finished burning remains of home’s true owners in exquisite Tuscan stone fireplace

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Strange – my father looks nothing like this, and yet it’s exactly how I’ve always pictured him.

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Each coin is embossed with the image of Tim Geithner's lifeless body dangling from a sycamore tree

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Coins are 97% pure gold, 3% milk chocolate

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“Only Rosland Capital can give you the peace of mind that comes with betting your life savings on a mineral that’s value is almost certain to plummet from its current historic high.”

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“You heard me – Rosland fucking Capital.”

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Shipment arrives on doorstep in bright yellow box, prominently labeled “Caution – Unsecured Gold Inside!”

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William Devane’s career acting earnings fit comfortably in book-sized mini-safe

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Devane’s ex-wife remembers his elfin pincer fingers all too well

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“I don’t always invest in dangerously overpriced precious metals, but when I do, I invest with Rosland Capital.”

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Attention burglars: William Devane’s gold stash is hidden behind the “Forest Stream in Melting Snow” painting.  I repeat …

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Order within the next ten minutes and Rosland Capital will also send you a limited edition Ted Nugent assault rifle and the complete first season of “Doomsday Preppers” at no extra charge.

Loathsomeness: 6.9