Synopsis: A depressed suburban woman is tormented by her demonic yet adorable umbrella until pumped full of happy drugs by the pharmaceutical feeling engineers at Bristol-Myers Squibb.
Meet Donna – bright, cheerful, and ready to take on the …
Nothing depresses a woman more than spending entire afternoon shopping at trendy boutiques and visiting quaint outdoor cafes
She gets that it’s somehow alive, but she still can’t figure out where baby umbrellas come from
Self-raining umbrella may be impractical for daily use, but it makes a great gag gift at parties
Know what else treats depression when added to an antidepressant? ANYTHING.
Evidently just letting go of the umbrella is not an option.
Sometimes Umby likes to play a little rough
It’s funny, I can accept a sentient, maniacal umbrella, but I’m having trouble with its ability to spontaneously create a large sinkhole in the middle of the street.
There are three other depressed women down there.
Well, this is awkward.
Luckily, Donna’s Bangladeshi psychiatrist happened to be walking by on her way to another free dinner hosted by Bristol-Myers Squibb
Donna fights temptation to pull Dr. Rahman into her personal pit of despair so that just once she can wipe that smug “I’m not the one who strangled the cat” expression off her stupid judgmental face
It looks like Donna’s legs have no reason to be depressed.
Umby enjoys the view
Other people embarked on a gruesome, multistate killing spree
Lesson One of Being Crazy: The doctor never sees the umbrella.
“I hate you so much, you son of a bitch.“
It took the BMS marketing team six months to come up with a name that evokes three different real things but actually means nothing
They might have stuck with “aripiprazole,” but consumer focus group thought it sounded too much like some kind of Italian pastry
Even though doctor is standing just a few feet away, she prefers to communicate with her patient using a pre-recorded video of herself communicating with her patient
“Take it away, Video Me!”
So, the umbrella’s also taking notes on how to eradicate itself?
How is it holding the pen?
Donna wonders whether new medication might affect her evening plans of consuming large amounts of alcohol while operating heavy machinery
Umbrella knows that cheating is wrong, but it really needs to pass this class in order to graduate on time
“If you start to experience thoughts of suing Bristol-Myers Squibb for gross negligence, stop taking Abilify immediately.”
Within minutes, hallucinogenic side effects kick in
It turns out that 100 milligrams is all it takes to turn Westside Medical Center Building C into Narnia
Finally, we come to the root cause of all female depression: men.
“Here you go, honey – it’s an apple. AP-PLE.”
“Isn’t this better than sobbing in the bathtub and forgetting to iron my shirts?”
That umbrella will be lodged in this throat before sunset
Thanks to Abilify, Donna no longer regards her daughter Molly as a walking reminder of the unplanned pregnancy that ruined her life
However, Molly’s clothes, hair, and choice of friends continue to be a source of deep disappointment
Warning: may cause drowsiness
Donna suddenly realizes that wallowing in self-created mental misery on the couch at home is more enjoyable than pointlessly picking fruit in the hot sun with her annoying, patronizing family
In pastel orchard, no one can hear you scream
Winning the war against complex human emotions