Monday, February 18, 2013

Abilify “Umbrella”

Link 02 Logo 03A

Synopsis: A depressed suburban woman is tormented by her demonic yet adorable umbrella until pumped full of happy drugs by the pharmaceutical feeling engineers at Bristol-Myers Squibb.

00 
Meet Donna – bright, cheerful, and ready to take on the …

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01
Uh-oh.

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Nothing depresses a woman more than spending entire afternoon shopping at trendy boutiques and visiting quaint outdoor cafes

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She gets that it’s somehow alive, but she still can’t figure out where baby umbrellas come from

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Self-raining umbrella may be impractical for daily use, but it makes a great gag gift at parties

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Know what else treats depression when added to an antidepressant?  ANYTHING.

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Evidently just letting go of the umbrella is not an option.

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15A 
Sometimes Umby likes to play a little rough

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It’s funny, I can accept a sentient, maniacal umbrella, but I’m having trouble with its ability to spontaneously create a large sinkhole in the middle of the street.

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There are three other depressed women down there.

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Well, this is awkward.

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Luckily, Donna’s Bangladeshi psychiatrist happened to be walking by on her way to another free dinner hosted by Bristol-Myers Squibb

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Donna fights temptation to pull Dr. Rahman into her personal pit of despair so that just once she can wipe that smug “I’m not the one who strangled the cat” expression off her stupid judgmental face

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It looks like Donna’s legs have no reason to be depressed.

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Umby enjoys the view

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Other people embarked on a gruesome, multistate killing spree

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Lesson One of Being Crazy: The doctor never sees the umbrella.

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“I hate you so much, you son of a bitch.“

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It took the BMS marketing team six months to come up with a name that evokes three different real things but actually means nothing

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They might have stuck with “aripiprazole,” but consumer focus group thought it sounded too much like some kind of Italian pastry

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Even though doctor is standing just a few feet away, she prefers to communicate with her patient using a pre-recorded video of herself  communicating with her patient

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“Take it away, Video Me!”

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So, the umbrella’s also taking notes on how to eradicate itself?

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How is it holding the pen?

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Donna wonders whether new medication might affect her evening plans of consuming large amounts of alcohol while operating heavy machinery

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Umbrella knows that cheating is wrong, but it really needs to pass this class in order to graduate on time

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“If you start to experience thoughts of suing Bristol-Myers Squibb for gross negligence, stop taking Abilify immediately.”

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100 
Within minutes, hallucinogenic side effects kick in

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It turns out that 100 milligrams is all it takes to turn Westside Medical Center Building C into Narnia

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Finally, we come to the root cause of all female depression: men.

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“Here you go, honey – it’s an apple.  AP-PLE.”

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“Isn’t this better than sobbing in the bathtub and forgetting to iron my shirts?”

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108
That umbrella will be lodged in this throat before sunset

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Thanks to Abilify, Donna no longer regards her daughter Molly as a walking reminder of the unplanned pregnancy that ruined her life

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However, Molly’s clothes, hair, and choice of friends continue to be a source of deep disappointment

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“I-am-very-happy-to-be-a-wife-and-mother-with-no-particular-hopes-or-dreams-of-my-own.”

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Warning: may cause drowsiness

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117A
Donna suddenly realizes that wallowing in self-created mental misery on the couch at home is more enjoyable than pointlessly picking fruit in the hot sun with her annoying, patronizing family

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126
In pastel orchard, no one can hear you scream

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130 
Winning the war against complex human emotions

Loathsomeness: 7.4

11 comments:

  1. I was actually on this medication for auditory hallucinations and depression and it worked pretty good but it's to expensive so I can't take it anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bristol-Myers Squibb needs every penny -- those umbrella animators don't come cheap.

      Delete
  2. This is too funny...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the umbrella should get its own show.

      Delete
  3. It makes me sick how we americans are taken advantage of by big pharma. in ALL other countries, they don't charge these exorbitent prices. only here in the us because of insurance companies. well if your insurance company chooses not to pay for it then we poor schleps are the ones stuck footing the bill.

    the excuses of big pharma "we need money for development" is bunk. regardless of what they sell the drug for, they will sell it all over the world. nobody else can sell it for a period of time. WTF!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You sound like a socialist.

      Abilify comes with a free promotional umbrella.

      Delete
    2. What kind of capitalist supports the giving away of free umbrellas?

      Delete
  4. can't post as weebly? Find I'll be anonymous then.
    Uh
    yeah, so this "abilify"
    Blocked my seratonin to such an extent that I was lacking an inner need to write as well as having all of my "self-aware creativity" or whatever.
    AND
    I'm an english major so this really didn't jive with me.
    Also I gained 40 pounds when going on it and I lost 40 pounds soon getting off it.
    So there's that. Stabilizes quickly though, as an antipsychotic at least.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That should be on the label -- "May cause writer's block and lack of creativity." I wish I could use that as an excuse.

      Delete
  5. Hi I am a psychiatrist working with pharma to make big bucks. I think every emotion is a mental health problem, caused by a brain chemical imbalance. This is only our second appointment. Using little information, I'm diagnosing you as "ill" . Here's a prescription for brain-disabling Abilify drugs. You're now locked into a life-time diagnosis, needing life-time treatment. Meanwhile, I'll get life-time payments: either from you or from your health insurance."

    I didn't do any tests known to medical science to confirm your brain is broken because no such tests exist.

    I'll never get questioned by anyone. And, if the scam is found out, I've got peers and attorneys to cover it up."

    THESE DRUGS DID NOTHING BUT MAKE ME SICK !

    ReplyDelete