Saturday, February 16, 2013

API “What’s It Take?”

Link 04 Logo 04B

Synopsis: Ossifying carbon spokesgoblin Brooke Alexander dons her signature black pantsuit once again to draw another paycheck from the American Petroleum Institute by presenting a balanced, thought-provoking look at the many underappreciated benefits of our economically inefficient, socially irresponsible, and environmentally catastrophic energy infrastructure.

01 
The years have not been kind to Brooke

-0:01-

01A
Soft focus obscures unsightly wrinkles on her face, starving polar bear at her feet

-0:04-

04
Typical power plant has retractable roof and white polished floors

-0:05-

05
Hey – isn’t that Al Gore’s electric lift?

-0:06-

06
If you see the haunting specter of Brooke Alexander on a pedestrian overpass, it means you’re about to die.

-0:07-

07
In API’s perfect world, last vestiges of nature are confined to concrete highway barriers

-0:09-

09
They’re watered by Bill McKibben’s tears

-0:10-

10 
Another truckload of API political contributions heads for Washington

-0:11-

11 
Feeling sentimental in her advancing age, Brooke returns to the refinery where she was born

-0:14-

14A 
API illustration shows that the value of a human being is equal to one drop of oil

-0:14-

14B
Self-laying baby-blue pipeline just misses Brooke as it hurtles toward waiting Chinese tankers

-0:15-

15
When joint ruptures, Brooke bravely uses own body to plug leak

-0:17-

17
Satellite photo reveals that vast reservoir of underground petroleum has caused United States to sink to uniform depth of 100 miles below sea level and pushed Alaska into Central Mexico

-0:18-

18
By sheer coincidence, blue and yellow lines represent both where oil pipelines are located and where poor people live

-0:19-

19
Contrary to liberal propaganda, polar ice cap is actually expanding at an alarming rate

-0:20-

20 
Unless we dramatically increase amount of CO2 in our dangerously clean atmosphere, all that will remain of America is gigantic frozen memorial to unexploited fossil fuels that could have saved us

-0:21-

21
Exploratory well in Brooke’s head turned up nothing

-0:23-

23
“If you support the green energy tax incentives set forth in House Bill 1505, as amended, the terrorists win.”

-0:24-

24
Startled office workers scatter in wake of talcum powder explosion before Brooke arrives on scene to restore order

-0:25-

25
“Do you know how many sickened Louisiana children it takes to heat this house?  Find the answer at EnergyTomorrow.org.”

-0:26-

26
Only thing in this picture that runs on biofuel is the dog

-0:27-

27
Barney hopes he doesn’t get blamed for all of those dead trees

-0:27-

27A
Affordable gas means more trips downtown to buy crystal meth

-0:28-

28 
Driver brakes for road-jolting tremor definitely not caused by local hydrofracking

-0:29-

29 
Homeowners association rules require all houses in subdivision to be painted smog gray

-0:30-

30 
According to recent 5-4 decision of U.S. Supreme Court, faceless industry trade associations not only can be considered “people,” but also are constitutionally permitted to use friendly cursive font

Loathsomeness: 9.5

6 comments:

  1. Ok, who ever you are, you seem like an a$$hole who hates just about evetything! I myself will continue to watch EnergyTomorrow and Brooke Alaxander because she is a cougar! GO Brooke!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You seem to know me so well ...

      Given your interest in fossilized women (no pun intended), may I recommend: Cougar Life "City"

      Delete
  2. Bahahahaha. This is class! "evetything"?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mee lyke evetything abowt frakin gass drooling.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can't stand that woman. I didn't know her real name until I saw this site - I just call her "pantsuit bitch"

    ReplyDelete