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Monday, February 4, 2013

Christian Mingle “Success”

Link 05A Logo 01C

Synopsis: Christian singles looking to find love and fellowship with someone maintaining a deep spiritual commitment to Jesus Christ place their faith and trust in a slick online dating website owned by a for-profit limited liability company based in Beverly Hills, California whose parent corporation is currently trading on the New York Stock Exchange at $3.32 a share.

03 
Each of them selected “super-annoying names” as search parameter

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04
Miki remains completely still until her husband directs her to speak, cook, or procreate

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04A 
Incredibly, he hasn’t yet noticed the pentagram tattoo on her right forearm

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04A
This is the most fun that the Bible allows without self-flagellation

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Until trying Christian Mingle, Jim thought he’d never meet another Afro-Korean-Mexican-American Christian like himself

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06B
It turned out that God’s perfect match was his sister

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Fortunately, the Old Testament permits a lot of freaky shit like that

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His other three wives will be so excited

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2.8 million unappealing, sexually naive women, meet 4.2 million creepy, habitually deceitful men

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12A
Being a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t wear douchey earrings and pretend you’re Seth MacFarlane

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Nikki hopes that Vivid movie never airs on Cinemax

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13A
“It’s so wonderful to finally be with someone willing to judge me for who I am.”

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Lisa never dated a man who wore a shirt before

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She wonders if now is the right time to start speaking in tongues

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Two-thirds of all men who join Christian Mingle go by the name “Jim,” but only one in five are ex-cons

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“You’re sure you’re not gay, right honey?“

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Looks like God wants him to have dandruff, too

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Lazy eye wasn’t a big selling point on the secular dating scene

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“I love you, female version of me.”

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23A
They’ve only been blessed by sacred matrimony for two-and-a-half years, and already Miki fantasizes about repeatedly violating the 7th Commandment with Viggo Mortensen

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Tre isn’t sure how much longer he can keep the demons at bay, but he has a feeling that his mother-in-law’s upcoming visit might be a dangerous time for everyone involved

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Evidently the Almighty Creator of the Universe is unable to arrange for two of His followers to bump into each other at Starbucks

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When God closes a door, He opens a PayPal account

Loathsomeness: 8.2

13 comments:

  1. 3 posts in ~3 weeks, does this mean you're back?? Woohoo! Recent Super Bowl ads should provide some worthy material to keep going...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many stupid commercials, so little time. But I'm trying to fire things back up again. Thanks for checking in.

      Delete
  2. Politically biased, I see, from "The Lineup." But you
    are being rewarded by 18 members. WOW! Lots.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, I'd like to share. Christianity says that gay people are sick perverted abominations who should be tortured in a fiery pit forever unless they apologize to an unchanged God who also happens to be Jesus who said that gays should be put to death in the past but now wants to throw them in hell. Your Christian viewpoint say that anyone unlike yourself who doesn't follow your religion or repent to your God deserves to be tortured and burned forever. You don't love your neighbor and u don't love gays. You want people to be just like you and if not they should be punished. Christians / Muslims are hateful bigots and saying u love people a million times wont change the fact that you believe hateful things about gays and many others. Maybe this example will show you why smart intelligent people don't fall for your bull crap..... I'm a vegetarian. i became one to lose weight. Now you might not be a vegetarian which means we have different a "lifestyle".Btw its funny that straight people never use the word lifestyle to talk about themselves? A little bias are we? anyways I don't hate you for eating meat and i'm not gonna down you for eating meat i just don't... lets try to apply this to your religion. I'm a gay atheist and you are a straight Christian. i don't hate you because you are straight or a Christian for that matter. I'm not gonna down you for being straight. i have no book that says to down you for being straight or tells me to believe that. thanks all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Um ... are you talking to me? I think if you spend a little more time here, you'll see that we're not exactly running a Christian fan club. And we're gay for gays. Well, not literally, but ...

      For reference: NOM "Consequences"

      Delete
    2. Are you sure you read this post correctly? It's making fun of Christians not supporting them.

      Delete
  4. A lot of thanks for the post and I think- Almighty Love, by Thy mysterious power, In wisdom guide, with faith and freedom dower;Be ours a nation evermore.That no oppression blights, Where justice rules from shore to shore, From lakes to northern lights.
    May love alone for wrong at one;
    School of Meditation

    ReplyDelete
  5. Um, some of these comments are really, odd. Anyway, I actually know a couple that met on Christian Mingle and married. On their wedding website, he talked about how she wasn't his type at all, she was nice and kind enough and all but he didn't see it. But he felt that it was what God wanted so, by darn it, he was marrying her. I mean, I was swept away with excitement for my friend and the fact she was so in love with someone who was, and I swoon to think of this, settling for her because "God told him to."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, the oddball quotient is high on this one.

      That is quite a story -- sad, but probably not uncommon. How lucky for your friend to find a life partner willing to grimly soldier through a marriage with her in order to do God's will. Why God would choose to utilize an exploitative for-profit website to pair up His lovelorn followers evidently is not a question that Christian Minglers spend much time pondering.

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. Forget it, man. She's married to God, and Jim. In that order.

      Delete

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