Christian Mingle “Success”

 

Synopsis: Christian singles looking to find love and fellowship with someone maintaining a deep spiritual commitment to Jesus Christ place their faith and trust in a slick online dating website owned by a for-profit limited liability company based in Beverly Hills, California whose parent corporation is currently trading on the New York Stock Exchange at $3.32 a share.

 
Each of them selected “super-annoying names” as search parameter

-0:04-

Miki remains completely still until her husband directs her to speak, cook, or procreate

-0:04-

 
Incredibly, he hasn’t yet noticed the pentagram tattoo on her right forearm

-0:04-

This is the most fun that the Bible allows without self-flagellation

-0:06-

Until trying Christian Mingle, Jim thought he’d never meet another Afro-Korean-Mexican-American Christian like himself

-0:06-

It turned out that God’s perfect match was his sister

-0:08-

Fortunately, the Old Testament permits a lot of freaky shit like that

-0:09-

 
His other three wives will be so excited

-0:12-

2.8 million unappealing, sexually naive women, meet 4.2 million creepy, habitually deceitful men

-0:12-

Being a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t wear douchey earrings and pretend you’re Seth MacFarlane

-0:13-

Nikki hopes that Vivid movie never airs on Cinemax

-0:13-

“It’s so wonderful to finally be with someone willing to judge me for who I am.”

-0:15-

Lisa never dated a man who wore a shirt before

-0:16-

She wonders if now is the right time to start speaking in tongues

-0:18-

Two-thirds of all men who join Christian Mingle go by the name “Jim,” but only one in five are ex-cons

-0:19-

“You’re sure you’re not gay, right honey?“

-0:20-

Looks like God wants him to have dandruff, too

-0:21-

Lazy eye wasn’t a big selling point on the secular dating scene

-0:23-

“I love you, female version of me.”

-0:23-

They’ve only been blessed by sacred matrimony for two-and-a-half years, and already Miki fantasizes about repeatedly violating the 7th Commandment with Viggo Mortensen

-0:25-

Tre isn’t sure how much longer he can keep the demons at bay, but he has a feeling that his mother-in-law’s upcoming visit might be a dangerous time for everyone involved

-0:26-

Evidently the Almighty Creator of the Universe is unable to arrange for two of His followers to bump into each other at Starbucks

-0:30-

When God closes a door, He opens a PayPal account

Loathsomeness: 8.2