Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Oscar Mayer “Unanimous”

Link 01A Logo 01A

Synopsis: A hungry, out-of-work Tom Hanks impersonator begs his horrible son for a strip of bacon.

01 
Defeated divorced dad stumbles toward living room couch where he intends to sleep off hangover for the rest of the day

-0:03-

03
He somehow manages to keep house impeccably decorated despite having lost the will to bathe or change his clothes

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03A 
Meet Devin, The Worst Boy Who Ever Lived – and, in an interesting casting decision, the hero of this commercial

-0:04-

04
It’s not wrong to want to punch him in the face.  Go ahead, let your feelings flow.

-0:04-

04A
“You know, when I was your age, fathers weren’t regarded as clueless idiots who had no role in their children’s lives other than being a source of money and embarrassment.”

-0:05-

05
“Of course, PlayStation hadn’t been invented yet.”

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05A
If Devin’s friends wanted to see a grown man obsequiously grovel for their attention, they could have spent morning with their own dads

-0:06-

06
Attempting to confuse his father, Devin offers to meet him in the car, even though they’re already home, and car was repossessed

-0:07-

07
Meanwhile, in Shanghai, Chinese ten-year-olds are busy designing robotic ice-penetrating submersible that one day will explore hidden seas on Saturnian moons

-0:07-

07A
“I just don’t know how to talk to you boys anymore, what with your cell pods and iBoxes …“

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07B
“I didn’t really know how to talk to my wife, either; but that had more to do with the fact that she was a lying whore.”

-0:08-

08A
“The main thing is that we learn to embrace the fleeting moments we have together and appreciate the true meaning of life.”

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09
“I don’t know – maybe you zombified brats are too dumb to understand …“

-0:09-

09A
“Being a man isn’t about having a job, or disciplining your kids, or, heck, even wearing clean underwear.  It’s about love, and sharing terrifyingly unhealthy breakfasts.”

-0:10-

10A 
Devin is unable to hide his utter contempt for the man who brought him into the world and gives him everything he could possibly want

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10B 
Interruption from 372nd game of Assassin’s Creed may last only 30 seconds, but it feels like an eternity

-0:11-

11
Devin hasn’t been this annoyed since grandmother tried to hug him

-0:11-

11A
Why couldn’t I have been one of those lucky orphans?

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12
“It’s not important who bought the food, or cooked the breakfast, or served their son and his impolite brain-dead friends; all that matters is that we – “

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15
Devin’s finally had enough

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16
“Dad – I told you never to speak to me in front of other people.”

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17
“But you couldn’t follow a simple instruction, could you?”

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19
“Well, I … it’s just that I need food to live …“

-0:19-

19A 
Devin reluctantly gives father last strip of bacon, but only because he realizes there’s an even chance it will end up killing him

-0:21-

21
Later Dad will dig discarded crusts of Devin’s grilled cheese sandwich out of kitchen trash

-0:21-

21A
“I don’t even know if I deserve this slice of bacon …“

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23
“Maybe I’m like the pig, or rat, or whatever other God-forsaken animal happened to fall into the slaughterhouse rendering bin.”

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24
“When you come right down to it, at the end of the day, that’s all any of us are – food for something else – just like this disgusting piece of fried porcine flesh.”

-0:24-

24A
“Why do you keep staring at me like that, you little shit?”

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25
“So I have scurvy – so what?  You think that stupid haircut gives you the right to judge?”

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25A
“Lousy stinkin’ punk …“

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26
If you place untouched bowl of fruit nearby, greasy ribbons of fat magically become good for you

-0:27-

27
Now contains only 3% anus

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30 
We demand a recount.

Loathsomeness: 8.7

4 comments:

  1. Yeah but the kids are still upset that their orange juice wasn't freshly squeezed.

    The proper was of handling this though is to walk in, take the bacon, and then say you know where the fuse box is, punks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Devin needs to spend a few days alone with his bacon on the streets of Kandahar.

      Delete
  2. http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2013/02/everyday-food-oscar-mayer-should.html

    My take.

    Great to see you posting so often, I was sick of carrying this heavy burden all alone!! :>)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll never keep up with you, my friend. Your output amazes me.

      I knew that this commercial, providing yet another example of the "doofus dad" theme, was right in your wheelhouse.

      Delete